Kings of Chaos (Dirty Broken Savages #1)(81)

Even with that, my impulse is to lie. To make up some story or refuse to tell Avalon anything.

But I know that won’t work.

She’s risking a lot by even meeting with me, and if I want her help, then I need to tell her the truth.

And probably the whole truth, too. The guys know that I have a grudge against Ivan for some reason, and that he’s the last on a list, but I haven’t told them any more than that. And I don’t plan to.

There’s no point to it, when I don’t need them for anything. But… to gain Avalon’s trust, I can be honest.

Even if I really don’t want to.

I suck in a breath and tap my fingers on the table. “One day, when I was sixteen, I came home from school, and there were these two men in my living room. My dad was there, which was already weird. Usually, he wasn’t around when I got home, and I’d have to fend for myself. But he was there, and he looked scared shitless. More than that, he wouldn’t look at me. I kept asking him what was going on, who these guys were, but he wouldn’t look at me. It was like he was ashamed or something.”

Just talking about it makes those memories rise up so clearly in my mind. I can picture the way he just kept staring down at the scuffed floor, acting like he couldn’t hear me. Those two dudes stood there looking menacing, as if my dad tried one thing, they’d snap his neck or something.

I swallow hard, wrestling down the monsters that crawl around inside my head.

Avalon watches me with those big eyes, waiting for me to continue.

“I knew it was bad because of that. Or at least, I thought I did. I was holding it together, and then they grabbed up my sister. Then I lost it. I was trying to fight them off, trying to get to her and get her away from them. But they ended up knocking me out.”

I lick my lips, thinking about how my vision went dark and I was still reaching out, trying to get to Hannah. It’s like I can hear her, screaming my name, begging me to wake up. And the whole time, our dad just stood there, letting it happen.

At the time, we didn’t really understand what was happening. We didn’t know why he didn’t help us, or why he’d let them take us. But they made sure we knew later. It was one of their favorite things to tell us, how all of this was happening because our dad had fucked up, and we were paying the price for it.

“When I woke up, I was locked up in a basement. With Hannah, my sister. I didn’t know where we were, or what was happening, only that there was no way to get out. And believe me, I tried. That first hour, I tried every way I could think of to get the door open or find a window, but we were locked in. I didn’t have a plan for how we were going to get away once we were out, but I knew I had to do something. Hannah was crying her fucking eyes out, just terrified, and I was fucking scared too, but I was trying to be strong for her. I was trying to protect her, since our dad didn’t.”

Not that it ever did much good.

“What happened?” Avalon asks in a whisper, looking like she’s almost afraid to hear the answer.

I let out another breath. “Over the next several months, six men tortured and assaulted me and my sister. Whatever cruel shit they could think of to do, they did it. They liked to watch us squirm. Liked it when we cried. I learned not to soon enough, to hold it together until they were done, so they at least couldn’t get off on that. But Hannah had a harder time. I tried to protect her. Tried to make them come after me instead. I’d act out and call them cowards, whatever I could do to draw their attention away from her. But… sometimes I think I just made it worse for her. Like I made her seem more precious and coveted by trying to get them to leave her alone. It just made them obsess over her more.”

“That’s horrible. That’s—” She shakes her head, at a loss for words.

“Yeah. One day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was just fucking sick of their hands on me and the way they talked shit about us. I was tired of listening to my sister cry every night and biting into the side of my cheek so I wouldn’t cry too. I tried to fight them. I don’t even really remember what I did. I was so out of it and just… wild with anger and exhaustion. I know I hurt one of them, and they made me pay for it. They killed Hannah in front of me.”

My voice doesn’t shake when I tell that part, which is a good thing. I manage to hold it together, even though just saying the words brings me right back to that night.

“Ivan was one of those men,” I tell Avalon. “He was there, doing whatever the fuck he wanted to us, hurting us, killing my sister. And the reason I want information about him is because I’m going to kill him.”

There are tears in Avalon’s eyes as she looks at me. I don’t know what she sees in my face, but whatever it is, it’s enough to make her nod and swallow hard.

“I’ll help you,” she murmurs. “I’ve never seen Ivan St. James myself, but I know he comes to my pimp maybe once a month or so. They have some kind of deal. I’ve never been given to him yet, but all the girls who’ve been with him talk about how much they hate it. They all say it was awful. He’s got some kind of assault fantasy, and he makes the girls he hires play that out.”

My chest tightens, and I clench my jaw until my teeth hurt. Of course he fucking does. Fucking with girls who don’t want anything to do with him is his favorite shit, clearly.

“Do you know when the next time he’s going to want someone is?” I ask her.