KING(90)

So in the event of my untimely death, this is what I need all you f*ckers to hear.

If you’re reading this to a crowd of people dressed in their funeral finest, then I’ve achieved a longevity I never thought I would reach. I’ve made it to the ripe old age of twenty six and it’s been one hell of a f*cking ride.

By now, I’m dead and will soon be rotting in the f*cking ground, being eaten by worms and other random bugs and shit. But don’t worry about me because I died a happy f*cking man. Looking back, I never thought I would live a life where the word happy could be a fitting word so describe it, but I did And it was all because when I was eleven years old, this big f*cking brute of a man-child rescued me from a bully who shall not be named, and then he became my friend. Oh f*ck that, the bully’s name was Tyler Nightingale and the * still lives with his f*cking mom and works the night shift at the Stop-N-Go. Fucking twat. Go egg his f*cking car on the way home.

Anyways, I motherf*cking digress.

The man-child became more than my friend. He became the best f*cking friend anyone could ever ask for. He became my only family. Our childhoods were complete shit, but because of him, we were able to live our lives by our own set of rules. He didn’t have to befriend a skinny kid with bruises all over his body and a foul f*cking mouth. He could have looked the other way. He could have ignored me when I pestered him to no end. There are a lot of things he could have done. But he chose me to be his family, and I chose him to be mine.

Although there were bumps in the road, a little juvie, a little jail, and whole lotta shit I can’t talk about here. I don’t look back at those things as poor choices. I see them as part of the highlight reel of the most epic f*cking journey of my life. A journey I never thought I would see. Shit, I never thought I would live past the age of 14, and if it wasn’t for my best friend, and him saving my ass one night, I wouldn’t have.

I want to send a shout out to Bear. Big-ups to you, you big f*cking animal. Go travel. Go do you. Go do all the shit you want to do before that club of yours swallows you whole and you can’t see where your ideas start and their ideas end.

No shit. At first, I thought you were just an annoying hanger-on, but it turns out that I was capable of having more than one friend after all, and I’m f*cking glad it was you, man.

Bear, you need to look out for King and Doe. Lord f*cking knows those two will need all the help they can get. I mean, they f*cking love each other, but both are too f*cking stupid to see past their own crap long enough to keep their shit together.

I see major f*ck ups in their future. Be there for them. Help them see past their ridiculous issues and preach to the about the joys of honesty and anal sex.

Continuing on.

I’ve done shit I’m not proud of. Thanks to all of you for not judging me. Thanks to all of you for being my friends in spite of it. Thanks for giving me a life that was worth dying for. I would do it all over again if I f*cking could. So don’t f*cking cry for me, be happy for me. Be happy that I had friends like all of you who I loved more than f*cking family, who I loved more than myself, and we all know how crazy I am about me. Be happy that I was happy and that all you f*ckers were a part of that.

Doe, if King doesn’t get his head out of his ass and marry you and impregnate you with millions of his little man-children, he is a dumb f*ck and I promise I will rise from the grave to take his place. It may take me a while to figure out how, but if anyone can do it, it’s gonna be me.

King, my brother, thanks for taking a chance on a skinny geek all those years ago. Thanks for f*cking saving my ass, but you did more than that. You saved my life. You gave me a life.

I love you, man.

Be happy kids.

I gotta go be dead now. No after funeral bullshit. I f*cking hate that shit.

Go get laid. That will make me happy.

Fuck. Party. Make merry. And know that I f*cking loved all of you.

-Prep

PS-I have also written my own obituary which I would like published in all the local papers. I’m serious about this. I will haunt you if this doesn’t happen.

“Ummm, I don’t know if I should read this next part out loud.”

“Do it!” Bear cheered me on. Even from the other side of the tent, I could see the tears in his eyes, but now there was a smile on his face. “Let’s f*cking hear it!”

The crowd joined in, and I was left with no choice.

“Oh, fine,” I said, taking a deep breath and speed reading through Preppy’s autobiographical obituary.