Juniper Hill (The Edens #2)(40)

He raised his hands and I tensed, sure that if he kissed me again, I’d crumble. But he didn’t cup my face and lean in like he had on Halloween. He rested the heel of his palms on my cheekbones so that his fingers could rub small circles on my temples.

It was heaven.

And hell.

“I can’t do this,” I whispered, my eyes falling closed so that I didn’t cry.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to let Drake down. I can’t let him down. I’m all he has.” I had no backup plan. Failure was not an option.

And I was scared too. That was the whole truth.

I was hanging on by threads most days. I gave Drake all my extra. If Knox made me fall in love with him and then we fell apart, I would fall apart. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to mend another shattered heart.

Knox was quiet for a few moments, the circling of his talented fingers never stopping. “Yesterday, I told you about the hardest part of my life. I told you about my first-worst day. I told you about the woman who destroyed me. I’m not asking you to tell me about Drake’s father. But I’m promising you that if you want to give me that trust, I won’t betray it.”

When I opened my eyes, his piercing gaze was waiting. He was so gorgeous it almost hurt to look at him. I wanted to tell him about Oliver. If there was anyone who would take care with my secrets, it was Knox.

But . . .

I stayed quiet.

“You want to stand on your own. I get that, honey.” His fingers shifted away from my temples to thread into my ponytail. “Standing on your own doesn’t mean you have to be alone. There’s a difference.”

“But Drake—”

“Don’t use him as an excuse because you’re scared. You wanting me doesn’t mean Drake has to suffer.”

He was so . . . right. So damn right.

Knox’s hands fell away, returning to his sides. “Figure out what you want. You know where to find me.”

And then he was gone, striding out of the room, leaving behind only his words.

What did I want? Did it even matter? I couldn’t afford dreams for myself.

And Knox . . . he was a dream.

The rest of my day was spent cleaning alone with Knox’s words to keep me company. It wasn’t a best day. But it wasn’t a worst either. The weight of the day sat heavy on my shoulders as I trudged to my car and drove to the daycare center.

I walked into the nursery, desperately wanting to hold my son, but as I scanned the room, I saw no Jill. And no Drake.

“Um, hi. Where’s Drake?” I asked the woman changing a baby. It was the same girl from this morning, young like Jill, with strawberry-blond hair.

“Oh, he’s not here.”

I blinked. “What?”

“Jill had to run a quick errand and she took him along.”

“Excuse me?” What. The. Fuck.

“She just lives next door.” The woman pointed to the wall. “She’ll be back in a minute.”

“Okay,” I clipped and plucked his diaper bag from his hook. Then I waited, arms crossed over my chest, foot tapping on the floor as I counted the seconds ticking by on the wall clock.

Three minutes and forty-one seconds later, the back door opened and Jill came inside with Drake on her hip. Her smile faltered for a moment when she spotted me.

I crossed the room and took Drake out of her arms. “Hey, baby.”

He started crying, like he did every day, and reached for Jill.

Like she had done to me this morning, I twisted and pulled him out of her reach when she tried to touch his hand.

“I’d prefer it if Drake wasn’t taken out of this building.” I walked him to his car seat and put him in, working the straps as fast as my fingers would move.

“Oh, okay,” Jill said. “I didn’t think it would be a problem. We were just next door.”

I didn’t trust myself to speak another word, so as Drake fussed, I clicked his buckle, looped the diaper bag over my shoulder and walked out the door.

The moment his seat was clicked into its base and I slid behind the wheel, my phone rang.

I checked the number and hit decline. One hundred fifty-five calls in the two months I’d lived in Quincy. Since I didn’t have to worry about daycare calling and there wasn’t anyone I wanted to talk to anyway, I shut the damn thing off.

Drake’s crying stopped by the time we hit the highway.

And that’s when mine started.

I was so tired. Mentally. Physically. But mostly, I was tired of being alone.

All my life, the women in my family had been at the mercy of the men who kept them. My mother. My grandmother. My sister. I’d broken that cycle by coming to Montana.

If I let Knox or anyone help, wasn’t that like taking a huge step backward? What happened when I depended on him?

Except I couldn’t keep going like this. I needed . . . help. Admitting that, even to myself, made me just cry harder.

The tears fell in a steady stream as I turned onto Juniper Hill, winding my way down the lane. The lights were on at Knox’s house, casting a golden glow into the night. His truck was in the garage.

I parked and took out Drake, planning on going upstairs and making myself a dry and depressing peanut butter sandwich for dinner. But my feet carried me across the gravel to Knox’s front door.