It's a Fugly Life (Fugly #2)(44)

A week went by and not a moment passed when I didn’t think of calling or texting him. And while my aching heart wanted to deny what had happened, my aching head knew it was true. So though I didn’t want to eat, I ate. Though I didn’t want to get out of bed, I got out of bed. I carried on. Something about having my heart crushed by Max this time around felt vastly different than before. This time, I had someone else to think about. A tiny life who, for all I knew, was absorbing every miserable emotion I felt. But the one thing I was determined to overcome was this sense that I’d done something wrong. If I’d only been pretty enough or smart enough, maybe Max would’ve loved me more and wanted this. If I’d tried harder and he loved me more, he would’ve overcome his affliction.

Bull crap.

This time, I wasn’t going to allow the mental cancer to hurt me or to be carried on to my child. I had to fight.

“Lily, so nice to see you.” Dr. Monroe held open the door to her office. I instantly felt more relaxed—the walk through her garden, the smell of vanilla and cinnamon in her tiny waiting room. Peaceful.

“Thanks for making time.” I took a seat in front of the window overlooking the garden, and she took her usual seat across from me.

“No thanks required. That’s what I’m here for. So…what’s been happening?”

I looked down at my favorite black running shoes, the ones I’d worn the first time Max and I raced each other. He’d challenged me to run against him, the prize being a business trip to Milan and a Babs Levine fashion show. I’d played dirty and won, but that weekend had ended up being so much more than a trip to Italy. It had been the beginning of something wonderful and ugly and painful and beautiful. It had been the beginning of me and Max.

“So?” Dr. Monroe prodded.

I tugged down on the hem of my gray running shorts. Yep, I totally planned to sprint right after this. “Uh, yeah. Remember when you said I needed to end things with Maxwell Cole and use my tenacity on myself?”

She smiled with affection. “I didn’t say you should end things. I merely pointed out that you had not had closure. But how did everything work out?”

“Long story short, he knocked me up and ran for the hills.”

Dr. Monroe’s jaw dropped.

Nice. Even she’s shocked.

Her dark brows shrugged. “Can you go into more detail?”

“What more do you need to know?”

“I find it difficult to believe he simply ran away.”

Oh, yeah. I kept forgetting that Max wasn’t just some guy but a public figure of sorts. People had their perceptions about him, even my psychologist.

“He didn’t run per se; it was more of a brisk, callus-prick-type walk.”

“Lily.” She held out her hands in a stop gesture. “I’m here to help you see things in a way that might be closer to reality so you can make better informed decisions. So when I say that I find it difficult to believe he walked away from you, I’m not defending his character. I’m merely commenting that I find it difficult to believe any man would walk away from you. You are a very extraordinary woman. I even find myself talking to my daughters about you—albeit confidentially—but I do talk about you.”

“What do you say?”

“I find your resilience fascinating. Your loyalty and heart, too. You see the world in a way that is altruistic, but you neglect yourself in the process.”

“What’s that have to do with Max?”

“I only know him through you, but knowing you, I can’t believe he’d simply—out of cruelty—walk away like you’re hinting at. There has to be another reason.”

“I can’t think of one. And I can’t believe you’d take his side.”

“I’m not taking sides, I’m helping you see the other side. And right now, my thoughts gravitate toward the moments before your accident. You were so sure, so confident that he’d betrayed you that you lashed out at him and then nearly killed yourself.”

God, what a horrible bitch! I hate you for being so right. “So I should allow him the chance to tell me what really happened and then I can castrate him and cry on your couch?”

“Exactly.” She smiled.

Fair enough. “I’ll tell you how it goes.”

“Please do, Lily. Oh, and by the way, have you told your family the good news yet?”

I cringed. “I’m waiting for the right time.” My parents’ stress over the matter would only add to the fire of this chaos called my life.

“Which is when?” she asked in a frank, nonjudgmental way I very much appreciated.

“When I know what I’m going to do with my life.”

“I suggest, Lily, and this is not to pressure you, but I suggest allowing them to help you figure it out. That’s what family is for.”

I nodded. “You’re right.” I was just used to dealing with everything on my own. But that needed to change. I couldn’t raise a child alone, nor did I want to.

Max…goddammit, Max. Why couldn’t he have just been happy? I felt like he’d robbed me of something. A life as a family.

I hadn’t realized it, but that was something I’d always believed I’d have when the time came. And now that he’d taken it from me, I wanted it more than ever. If not for me, then for this baby.