Into the Storm (Signal Bend #3)(71)

He didn’t answer right away. He stared steadily at her, his brow drawn slightly. Panic had started to creep back into Shannon’s head before he finally said, “Meatloaf sounds good. But Shannon, does this story end with you dumping your baby on the side of the road? Or in a dumpster? Anything like that?”

“What? No! God! She was adopted!”

“Then, hon, why are you so afraid? I don’t understand. I understand giving her up. And I’m sorry you got ganged up on like that. Why would you think I’d hate you?”

Her throat closed down and her eyes burned. Struggling to keep fresh tears away, she said, “They all did. And you—you’re the one who stays! You’re the one who toughs it out and always does the right thing!

How can you not hate me?”

“How do you know giving her up wasn’t the right thing?”

She struggled against his hold, and this time he let her go. Standing up next to him, she said, “I’ll tell you the rest. I will. But I feel like I’m going to pass out. It’s too much. I need a break.”

Show nodded. When she turned and headed into her little kitchen, he followed. They made a light meal of meatloaf sandwiches and potato salad, and Shannon pulled two beers from the fridge. They barely talked as they put the meal together. Then they sat at the counter bar. Show put his hand on her knee and let it rest there as they quietly ate. She wasn’t sure if he meant it as affection or restraint.

When she was about halfway through her sandwich, she set it down and took a swallow of beer.

“I didn’t know where I was headed at first, but I eventually ended up going west on 44. My Aunt Bev and Uncle Don lived in Tulsa, and my dad and aunt had a chilly relationship. Not angry or anything. Just siblings that never really clicked, I guess. Anyway, I love Aunt Bev and Uncle Don, and I thought maybe they’d at least let me stay a couple of days until I could make a plan.

“Instead, they moved me in and helped me. Aunt Bev went with me to interview adoption agencies, and she listened while I worked out my choice. She and Uncle Don kept the family away. They were militant about it. It caused a huge rift, and it was more than five years before they all made up, but Bev and Don never wavered. I lived with them until I graduated college. They’re the only family I really have.”

“Good people.”

She laughed a little. “They really are.” Taking another drink, she continued, “So here’s the other part of the story. When I had her, they were supposed to take her right away. I wanted a closed adoption. It was really important to me not to have any contact afterward. Being pregnant, feeling her inside me, was hard.

Every month, going to the doctor, listening to her heartbeat. All of it. It was so hard. But I’d made my choice. I had even less to offer her than I had in Karville. I was living in my aunt’s basement, for Pete’s sake.

“But they didn’t take her, not right away. A nurse handed her to me, and I held her. God, she was pretty.

And—”

Shannon started to cry again, the memory more vivid than it had been in years. Through her tears, she continued her story.

“And I didn’t want to let her go. I stayed in that room for three hours, mostly alone with her, and I wanted to keep her. I changed my mind. I even thought of a name for her. But then I thought again about college and what I wanted in my life. And how I didn’t want to be a single mom, living off my aunt and uncle, or working some crappy job, having to put my baby in crappy daycare. I wanted more from my life.

I wanted to make the life I wanted. So when they finally came for her, I handed her over. Because I wanted a life I chose. I am a selfish bitch.”

Show’s hand had remained on her leg. He was sitting quietly, not eating or drinking, his eyes fixed ahead. Shannon composed herself, sniffling and wiping her eyes, and still he was quiet.

“Show? Say something.”

“What about her father—Jeff? How’d you get him to agree to an adoption?”

“I didn’t. I didn’t put his name on the birth certificate. I told the agency that I didn’t know who the father was.”

He took his hand back, and Shannon’s heart fell when she realized that it was that he wouldn’t be able to forgive.

“You kept a man from his child.” Not a question.

“No—I…” She stuttered, not sure how to explain. The panic was back, stronger than before, but she sat and let it have her. She didn’t try to run. If she tried, this time he wouldn’t stop her. She could feel it. And they would be done. She didn’t want that. Now that she’d told her secret, she couldn’t lose him. But it was her secret that would make him go.

When she tried again to answer, she could only whisper. “I didn’t try to hide where I was. Aunt Bev wouldn’t allow that. She called my dad and told him where I was and that he was to stay away. But a few weeks later, Jeff was on the porch, demanding to see me. Uncle Don ran him off with his rifle. He came back about a month later—I was almost five months by then, I think. He came in the middle of the day, and I was home alone. I let him in, which is high on my list of stupid things I’ve done. His intention was not to leave without me, no matter what. When he couldn’t convince me, he tried to bully me. When he couldn’t bully me, he tried to knock me out. He got a couple of good punches in, but I managed to get outside, and I screamed my head off. He got spooked and left. Bev called my dad that night, and I never heard from Jeff again.”