Into the Night(9)

“He will never hurt anyone again,” Bowen said.

Because the dead couldn’t hurt anyone. Because someone had killed the killer. Her lips wanted to tremble, so she pressed them together. Her stomach was in knots. It had been that way ever since she walked into that bloodstained back room of the cabin. “This isn’t the way I wanted it to end.”

He just stared at her. No judgment on his face.

“It isn’t.”

Bowen took a step toward her. “You don’t have to explain or justify to anyone.” He gave a bitter laugh. “Sure as hell not to me.”

Because Bowen was the man who had killed a serial murderer...long before Bowen had joined the FBI. He’d hunted down the killer himself when local law enforcement wouldn’t help him. When they wouldn’t believe him. He’d found the evidence. He’d found the killer.

And in the end, he’d had to kill that man in order to survive.

Her hands clenched into fists at her sides. “Am I supposed to be glad that he’s dead?” It wasn’t the FBI agent talking. That wasn’t who she was right then.

I don’t know who I am.

“Am I supposed to be happy that someone found Daniel Haddox and gave him the same pain that Haddox gave to his victims? Is that supposed to make me feel good?”

Bowen was leaning against the wooden motel room door. “I don’t think you’re supposed to feel any way. You just feel—Mace, you feel any way you want. You’re entitled. You were the guy’s victim.”

Her shoulders stiffened at that one word. Victim. She’d fought hard to stop being a victim. She’d joined the FBI so she would never be a victim. She’d be the one who hunted the killers. The one who brought justice. Not a victim. Never that again.

“He hurt you. He nearly killed you. If you want to be glad, then, damn it, be glad. Be—”

She found herself stumbling toward him. The control she prided herself on was in tatters. No, it had been sliced apart.

Only, not with his scalpel this time.

“Macey?”

She put her hands on his chest. “I need it to stop.”

A faint furrow appeared between his brows. “What? What do you want to stop? Tell me, and I’ll fix it.”

She licked her lips. “I need the pain to stop.”

His eyes widened. “Mace...”

“Because it’s been eating at me ever since I was on his table.” A truth she hadn’t shared with anyone else, not even the FBI shrink that her team had to see every now and then to make sure they stayed psychologically healthy while they tackled their cases. When you worked day in and day out with serials, the pressure could get to you. Everyone had to go in for psych evaluations. Only, maybe she didn’t share how she really felt during those visits.

I feel more than pressure. I feel pain. It’s what I always feel. And I need it to stop. “I thought it would end when we caught him. Closure, right? Isn’t that how it works? I catch the man who hurt me, who killed so many others, and then the pain goes away because he is locked away.” No longer hunting in the dark.

Bowen’s hands rose and curled around her shoulders. She liked his touch. It was warm and she felt so cold. But then, she always felt warmer when she was around Bowen. Warmer, safer.

“He’s dead,” she whispered. “But the pain isn’t going away.” And Macey felt a tear slide down her cheek. “Why won’t it go away?”

His face hardened. “Macey...”

“Make it go away.” She shouldn’t be saying these things to him. She shouldn’t be in his room. She shouldn’t be near him, but...

Bowen wants me. I’ve seen it before. In his eyes. In the way he looks at me when he thinks I’m not watching him. When he thinks no one is watching. He’d never said anything wrong to her. Not a misplaced word. Never done anything wrong. But...she’d sensed the awareness between them. The attraction.

She’d ignored it. Or tried to. Maybe he’d slipped into her dreams some nights. His dark eyes and his strong hands. His sexy mouth. But those had just been dreams. Dreams that worked their way past the nightmares she had so often.

I thought the nightmares would stop when we finally caught Daniel. The nightmares and pain. But the pain Macey felt was still just as strong as ever.

Will the nightmares be just as strong, too? Because maybe she wasn’t going to ever get over the attack. She’d wanted to be strong, but she just felt so twisted on the inside.

He’s dead. He’s dead. And when I first saw the body...the first thing I thought was...

He’d gotten what he deserved.

Pain twisted within her even more. What am I becoming? “Make it go away,” Macey said again. She tightened her hold on Bowen’s shoulders and pushed onto her tiptoes. “Please.”

His lips parted as if he would speak, but she didn’t give him the chance. Macey pressed her lips to his. Her kiss wasn’t seductive or teasing. It was desperate. She was desperate. And he—

His hands tightened on her shoulders and he slowly pushed her back.

Oh. My. God. The pain in her chest just got worse.

His eyes seemed to have gone even darker as he stared at her. “What are you doing?”

She’d thought she was kissing him. Her cheeks burned.

“Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?” His hold on her shoulders didn’t ease. If anything, his grip grew harder as a muscle jerked along his jaw. “You don’t want to play with me.”