Into the Dim (Into the Dim, #1)(56)

What happened here, Mom?

“Ahhh,” Sister Hectare breathed.

William Lucie approached the pair. At first, Babcock glared suspiciously at the handsome soldier. But William only gave my mother the briefest of nods before turning to her husband. Babcock’s amphibious eyes nearly popped from his head at whatever William told him. He whirled and stared toward the royal table.

“That would be a summons from our queen, requesting to meet one of her most loyal subjects.” Sister Hectare chuckled as Babcock growled a command at my mother and followed William like a preening peacock toward the high table. As they passed, William Lucie shot us a wink.

“Best go, child,” the nun said. “Eleanor won’t be able to tolerate Babcock’s company for long, but she wanted you to have a moment with your cousin.”

She dragged out the word, her hooded eyes glittering as she looked up at me. She knew something. But how?

As if she’d read my mind, she smiled. “Does it matter, child?”

It didn’t. Not a bit.

“Thank you,” I rasped. “And, please, thank Her Grace for me.”

Mom’s back was turned to me. I edged forward as if my feet were mired in quicksand. Now that the time had finally come, I was weirdly reluctant. My mouth dried up, and my lips felt glued shut.

“Mo—” My voice cracked. I tried again. “Lady Sarah?”

She froze, fingers twitching at her sides in a nervous habit I knew so well. Her shoulders rose. She turned slowly. When she caught sight of me, her eyes widened, then closed as if in pain.

“No,” she whispered.

A smell of spring wafted toward me. Lilac, her favorite. One hot tear slipped down my cheek. I didn’t move as she opened her eyes, though I felt my lower lip tremble like a lost child’s.

An instant later, I realized what I was seeing and my mouth fell open in utter shock. My mother’s cheeks were too full. Puffy bags drooped beneath her eyes. Even her lips seemed waterlogged.

She whimpered, her eyes scanning the room frantically. She stepped toward me and grabbed my hand, squeezing too tight.

“How?” she said. “How is this possible? I was so careful to keep you out of all this. I don’t understand.” She took a deep breath through her nose and dropped my hand, speaking rapidly. “Doesn’t matter. You have to leave. Now. If she finds you here, I don’t know what she’ll do.”

I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. Because my gaze was trapped on my mother’s abdomen. Her extremely round, extremely pregnant abdomen. A sick jolt rocked me back on my heels as a memory consumed me.

Dad had brought my very pale mother home from a short hospital stay. I was seven, and so excited, because in four months I’d be a big sister. No one spoke to me when they got home, and I wasn’t exactly sure what had happened. All I knew was that they seemed really sad and that my mother’s tummy looked strangely flat. That night, Dad had perched on the edge of my bed.

Well, kiddo, he’d said, looks like it’s just gonna be the three of us. And that’s okay. It’s . . . it’s fine.

The scratchy sound in his voice had made my throat ache. And that night, alone in my bed, I heard my mother sobbing from her bedroom next door. I had never, ever heard my mother cry. It scared me so much, I’d huddled under the covers and bawled myself to sleep.

Years later, Dad told me Mom had nearly died when she lost the baby. There’d been a problem, and I’d always be an only child.

“Mom?” I gasped. “I—” God, I couldn’t manage to string two words together. I flung a hand at her belly. “When?”

“Soon, I think. They don’t exactly have ultrasound dating here.”

Her voice was clipped. I answered back in the same tone. “No. Guess not.”

I counted back in my head, trying not to show it.

She noticed. “Obviously, I didn’t know I was pregnant when I left,” she said. “How could I? The doctors said it was impossible.” The muscles in her jaw tightened. “Hope, I don’t understand this. How do you even know about—”

Her voice cracked, and she covered her mouth with swollen fingers. I felt myself begin to crumple with disappointment. I’d built this moment up in my mind for so long. Every second since I’d learned she was alive. Now it was here and all I wanted was to run away.

“Aunt Lucinda sent for me,” I said. “She told me the truth.”

“She had no right.” Every muscle in her face tightened. “Look, you must understand. I always wanted to tell you. I just . . . I wasn’t sure you’d be able to—”

“You know we thought you were dead?” I let the words drop, heavy as a sack of rocks, between us. “There was an earthquake in that city where you were supposed to be. A bad one, Mom. Thousands of people died. Hundreds of buildings collapsed, including the university tower that held the lecture hall where you were supposed to be. They never recovered most of the bodies. And since they couldn’t find your body . . . they declared you dead.”

When she flinched, I felt a throb of something like triumph.

“Oh no.” Her hand covered her mouth again. “I was just supposed to be gone for a few days, I . . . All those poor people. The teachers . . .”

My teeth ground together so hard, my ears popped. I suddenly wanted to hurt her. “We had your funeral the other day, you know. Dad buried an empty coffin. He even had a headstone with your name carved on it. It says ‘Beloved Wife and Mother,’ in case you wondered.”