Intent(32)
“There’s not much to know. I’m a thirty-year-old equine specialist and half owner of Oak Grove Equine Therapy with Justin. My younger sister, Lily, and I both went off to college, and we both returned to our hometown afterward because we love it here. My dad died when I was a teenager. Lily is six years younger than me, so she was still a kid when we lost him. My mom raised us alone; she never remarried after she lost my dad. I think she did a pretty good job, though. Neither one of us is a serial killer.”
No voluntary mention of River’s mom, which means I now have to ask.
“Were you and River’s mom married?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “She was in the same class as Lily, and they had been close friends at one point. This is such a small town that everyone knows each other, regardless of age, but I’d been around her when she hung out with Lily. Anyway, after she graduated from high school, we started seeing each other. She wound up pregnant.” He inhales a deep breath, releases it on a heavy sigh, and stops walking. “You’ll probably think badly of me for saying this, but I didn’t want to marry her. Even knowing she was carrying my baby, I still didn’t want to marry her.”
He tries to gauge my reaction, but I intentionally keep my expression neutral. I want him to keep going, to finish the story. What I don’t want is for him to feel any kind of judgment from me. Not shock, disgust, or pity.
“One thing my mom always stressed to Lily and me was to marry for love, for life. I loved her, but I knew Margot, River’s mom, wasn’t my forevermore. I tried to explain it to her the way my mother explained it to me, but apparently, I wasn’t as effective as dear old mom. Unfortunately, I learned how severe postpartum depression can be firsthand. Even though it still haunts me, it’ll be River who ultimately struggles with it when she’s old enough to understand what happened.”
I feel like such a selfish bitch. Here I’ve been so self-centered and consumed with my breakup with Bobby, and Ace has been blaming himself for the death of River’s mother. I’m glad I know what happened since it helps me understand him better, but I feel bad for turning the conversation to something so painful for him. Dealing with the aftermath of suicide is bad enough in itself, but feeling as though he had some hand in it must be killing him slowly.
“Ace, I know a little about postpartum depression. Granted, it’s just from my research of it and not from personal experience. But nothing you did or didn’t do would have contributed to her actions. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t blame yourself for what her body’s natural hormones caused. Even a huge wedding with all the trimmings wouldn’t have changed that.”
“So you don’t think I’m a terrible person for not wanting to marry the mother of my child?”
His words remind me that Bobby didn’t want to marry me. Now I know that he still wouldn’t have, even if I’d gotten pregnant with his baby. I also know that it wasn’t fair of me to expect it, to try to force him to in a passive-aggressive way. Regardless of how badly I thought I wanted a life with him, it wouldn’t have been a happy home because it wouldn’t have been out of a mutual desire to be married.
“No, I don’t. I think you’re very wise to have recognized that she wasn’t the one you wanted to spend your life with, to give your last name to, and to be together till death do you part. That is sacred, Ace, and you have every right to have that. Maybe divorce rates wouldn’t be so high if more people listened to your mother’s advice.”
“You understand exactly what feelings I can’t put into words.”
I drop my eyes from the shame I feel at my own shenanigans. “I do understand, Ace. I understand both sides, thanks to you. Even though I’m ashamed to admit it, I hoped that getting pregnant with Bobby’s baby would make him want to marry me. Don’t misunderstand, I honestly wanted a baby and would’ve had one with or without him. But every version of the future that I envisioned had us married, happily living in the suburbs, and having the picture-perfect life.
“But now, I’m so very thankful it didn’t work out. It seems strange to say this, but it was a blessing in disguise that I never got pregnant. That I never had to face that whole scenario. That I never had to feel guilty for pushing him into something that wasn’t what he really wanted in the first place.”
“Selfishly, I’m also very glad none of it happened.” Then he smiles that smile—the mischievous, little boy who does no wrong smile. “If I’d met you after, I would’ve been forced to run your husband off, and people really frown on that sort of behavior.”
The way he’s so open with his thoughts, feelings, and flirting still catches me off guard at times. It’s so different than what I’m used to, but I’m quickly learning to love it. The surprise of never knowing what he’ll say, the thrill of how his words affect me, and the rich way his sexy voice fills my senses makes me feel reckless, desired, and protected all at once.
“Ace, your kidding and flirting will get you in trouble one day.” I shake my head and cut my eyes at him, trying not to let my laugh break free.
“Kidding and flirting?” he asks incredulously. A little exaggerated, in my opinion. “I’m not kidding about anything. The truth is I’m more intrigued by you than I’ve ever been by anyone else in my life. I’ve never wanted to spend every waking minute with a woman before you. Never wanted to spend every sleeping minute with one either, before now. And all the things we’ll do in between those waking and sleeping minutes. I want to know everything there is to know about you.