Intent(18)

With my forearms on the back porch railing, I watch River and Layne together in my backyard. River drags her from one spot to the next—first to the swings and then to the slide. Then she has to show Layne the small koi pond and then the fire pit. Layne’s being a good sport by giving River the attention she craves and listening to every word she says like she’s the most important person in the world. Watching them together makes me feel like shit, because I realize how much River has missed having a real mother figure in her life.

Rose is great and she takes good care of her, but River is old enough to understand that, while Rose loves her dearly, she’s a babysitter and not a mother to her. Part of me feels bad for not having someone special in my life that River can bond with, but the other part of me screams “hell no” every time I even consider it. That part is the one that always wins, because River is the one who’ll suffer the most if it doesn’t work out.

She’s my one true love. She’s the one I’d defend with my life. Any sacrifice I have to make for her is more than worth it in the long run.

River walks to the storage shed and gets out two fishing poles. Granted, they’re both kid-size poles, but I can’t help but smile at my little tomboy. River and Layne work at attaching their hooks and putting the bait on before they cast their lines into the flowing water. Their hooks will undoubtedly get caught under the rocks from the spot they chose, and I laugh to myself as I start walking across the yard toward them.

In five, four, three, two…

“Daddy!” River yells as she stands and yanks on her line. “I got one, Daddy! I got one!”

“Yep, Squirt. You got one, all right. You got a big rock.”

“Not again,” she grumbles and her shoulders slump.

She hands me her pole and I walk up and down the bank, yanking on the line to try to free it without wading out in the water. As I make another pass by them, I overhear part of their conversation.

“I wish you were my mommy.”

“You’re such a sweet girl, River. Do you not get to see your mommy?” Layne asks. It’s not a trick to gain more information, I can tell that from her demeanor and her tone of voice. She’s giving River an out to answer with a yes or no, and she’ll leave it at that.

“No,” River sighs sadly. “Daddy says she’s like my guardian angel now. I can’t see her, but I know she’s always there.”

“I’m sorry, baby girl. I lost my mom, too.” Layne brushes a lock of River’s hair from her face. “She knows you love her and miss her, though.”

River climbs over into Layne’s lap, leans her back against Layne’s chest, and Layne’s arm instinctively wraps around River’s midsection. The whole scene makes my heart squeeze painfully in my chest. With her fishing line finally untangled, I join them at their grassy spot on the bank.

“What are you two ladies up to? Looks like no good. You both need a chaperone.” I try to lighten the mood, ignore the conversation I just heard, and steer it into a new direction.

River launches her little body at me from out of nowhere. I play along and let her tackle me to the ground. We roll around in the grass and I use my arms to protect her from the rocks and debris. As always, she ends up sitting on my chest and pinning my shoulders to the ground.

“You’re pinned! I won!” She laughs and it’s the best sound in the world to my ears. Her laughter and happiness are genuine. I know she misses her mom, but I do everything I can to meet her every need.

“Every. Time,” I complain. “You always beat me up. You’re a little bully.”

“Am not. You’re just a pansy.”

We play this game frequently, but today I temporarily forgot that we had company. Layne’s laughter reminds me that we have an audience and she just heard my daughter refer to me as a pansy.

“Time for a new game,” I announce to River. She gives me a challenging look, almost like she knows what I’m doing. I swear, this kid is too smart for her own good. “I’m hungry.”

“We just ate. You’re not hungry,” River replies suspiciously.

“I am hungry. Hungry…for some baby back ribs!” I growl.

River shrieks and jumps off my chest, intent to run from me before I have a chance to snatch her up. But she’s not fast enough and I have her in my clutches. Rolling her lengthwise in my arms, I draw her ribcage up to my mouth and start gnawing on her. She yells in between her laughs, “I’m not a corncob!”

“No, you’re not a corncob,” I agree. “Now hush, so I can enjoy my baby back ribs in peace.” With my mouth open wide, I lean in to start the tickling torture again and she screams in anticipation before I even touch her. “If you won’t be still, I can’t eat these ribs.”

“I know that, Daddy. That’s why I’m squirming.”

The three of us laugh and I put her down. “Fine. Just make me starve, then,” I chide her playfully.

She pats my stomach. “Looks like you eat enough, Daddy.”

With that, she takes off running toward the house, laughing hysterically because she just zinged me.

“I don’t know where she gets that from,” I say to Layne with all seriousness.

“No, I don’t have any clue either. Kids these days. It’s probably those cartoons she watches,” Layne deadpans before her smile covers her face. It reaches her eyes this time, and the once dim light in them grows brighter.