Indigo Nights (Nights #3)(31)

“Why on earth not?” Haven raised her drink and we all clinked our glasses together.

I took a sip. “Because he’s gorgeous, rich and powerful, and I think his penis might have magic powers.” I felt as if I’d escaped, as if I’d woken up at precisely the right moment in the dream. Any more time with him was inviting danger and complications.

“Again with the why on earth not?” Haven said.

“I’m not sure I’m strong enough,” I replied without thinking about my answer.

“Strong enough for what?”

“To hold him at arm’s length. I mean, if I never see him again I’ll have good memories. Why risk more? At the moment I’m not torturing myself wondering who he’s sleeping with or questioning what he’s saying. It’s even between us. We both got what we wanted from each other. We should quit while we’re ahead.”

Haven stared at me. “You know, he’s not Romano,” she said finally.

Just hearing his name turned my insides black. My relationship with Louis Romano had begun just after my mother died—and had been the last relationship I’d had. My drinking had spiraled out of control when I’d gotten pregnant and he’d ended our relationship, stuffing some cash into my hands and telling me to get an abortion.

I’d had a miscarriage two days later.

The loss had threatened to engulf me. I’d held it at bay by alcohol. It’d worked—the booze dulled the pain and allowed me to sleep, to forget about my mother, my baby and the boyfriend who’d never loved me. It was so effective that I’d started to drink earlier and earlier in the day until every hour that I wasn’t hazy with liquor seemed unnecessary.

“I don’t want to talk about Romano.” He was the symbol of a thousand bad decisions. I’d thought he was my salvation, and he’d ended being my destruction. It wasn’t something I wanted to remember. He was the reason it had been easy to stay single for so long, the reason that dating was terrifying and seeing Dylan again felt dangerous.

A look passed between Haven and Ash. Questioning it would have meant talking about Romano, so I stayed quiet.

“I might call Dylan when I’m next in town,” I said to bat the conversation away from bad boyfriends back to world-shaking sex.

“He might heal you.” Ash looked concerned.

I just nodded. “He might.”

“Your brother did that for me,” Haven said, her tone serious. “Sometimes you just have to let them in, just a tiny bit.”

“He’s not suggesting we date. He’s suggesting we f*ck when I’m in town.”

“So have fun. If you’re not in the same city, he’s not going to be able to hurt you. Assume he’s dating other people and don’t expect anything but his cock and an orgasm.”

I laughed. It would never just be one orgasm. We were up to eleven. He made me count every one. “When you put it like that . . .” I wasn’t convinced I could be so unemotional about it. I could feel myself being pulled toward him already. I wasn’t the kind of girl who did just physical very easily.

“She shouldn’t put her sobriety on the line, Haven,” Ash said.

“I’m not saying she should, but having some fun doesn’t mean she’s going to start drinking again,” Haven replied.

It wasn’t so much my sobriety that I was worried about. It was more that I didn’t trust myself, or my instincts, my judge of character. Dylan seemed like a good guy, but how would I know?

“I think she should do what she wants. You’ll know if it’s a good time to push yourself.” Ash smiled at me.

“Sometimes you need to feel the fear and do it anyway,” Haven said. “The things that are the most frightening tend to reap the biggest rewards.”

They turned to me and I smiled. It was like seeing both sides of my brain battling it out in front of me. “So, the filming went well,” I said in a not-so-subtle change of subject.

Ash topped up Haven’s wine. “And when do you hear what’s next?”

I dragged my seat slightly to the left; the heater was a little too hot. “This week, I think.”

“Did you talk about whether or not you’d have to fly to Chicago every week?” Ash asked.

“A little. I said that I didn’t want to do that, but I’d be happy to travel every few weeks.”

Haven raised her eyebrows. “Dylan James is going to fall in love with you by the time you’re done with him.”

I rolled my eyes. “I can tell you that that is definitely not going to happen. The guy bangs supermodels and actresses.”

“So did your brother,” Haven said.

My phone vibrated on the table, so I avoided having to give a response as I checked the screen.

Dylan: Did you hear yet?

Beth: You are very kind to take an interest, but funnily enough, they haven’t been in touch on a Sunday.

Dylan: It’s my cock taking an interest. I want to f*ck you against the shower wall. Right now.

I shivered.

Beth: I’m at dinner, surrounded by kids. You can’t talk to me about your cock.

Dylan: I want to slide into you, filling you until you can barely breathe.

Jesus. I tried to keep my breath steady. I glanced up at Haven and Ash, but they were taking no notice of me. I peeled the blanket away; I was plenty warm enough.