In the Stillness(98)

“What you did for Ollie today,” I say, pulling away so we can step inside, “he’ll never forget that, you know.” I find myself wiping away tears I didn’t realize were falling. “You made him feel special, Ryker . . .”

Ryker smiles as he leans back on the arm of his couch, still holding my hand. “He is special, Natalie . . . he’s yours.” That grin of his takes control of me in an instant.

“I don’t want you to disappear again,” I blurt out. “You hear me? I don’t care if it’s for a month, or a decade, you’re not doing it again.” I playfully push his shoulder.

“Okay,” he holds up his hands in defense as he laughs, “I promise.”

“Well, um . . . I should get going. I just wanted to thank you face-to-face for being so great with him today.” After a quick hug, I turn and head for the door. Halfway down the stairs, I hear Ryker stop the screen door behind me.

“Natalie,”

Turning slowly on the stairs, I catch Ryker in the middle of a deep breath. I wait.

“Do you still love me?” Ryker’s voice is shaking as he stands in the doorway.

“What?” I ask, almost to myself, walking slowly back up the stairs.

“You said in Dr. Greene’s office that you love me.” Ignoring the cold, Ryker meets me on the porch. “Did you mean past tense or present?”

In a split second it’s me and Ryker, standing on the common a hundred years ago. His eyes are pleading for the answer that’s been swirling in my heart for the last several months . . . for the last ten years.

“Natalie . . .” his hands run up the length of my arms and over my shoulders before they cup my face. Instinctively, I close my eyes and take a breath.

“Present,” I whisper. Opening my eyes I see Ryker, my Ryker, with a tear rolling slowly down his cheek. “Do you love me?”

His hands are shaking, but I’m not sure if it’s from the cold or what he’s about to say.

“From the moment I saw you on the common, I knew I had to kiss you. And, the second I kissed you, I knew I could never let you go.” More tears streak his face as he rubs his thumbs over my cheeks. “When I lost you, Natalie . . .” He shakes his head and looks up.

Reaching my hands up, I lay them over his as they rest on my face. “It’s okay, Ry—”

“Let me finish,” he says with a heavy breath. “I lost you, and it was horrible, Natalie. You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved, and I felt like I’d wasted my chance. When I saw you again at Atkins, holy shit,” he chuckles.”

“Yeah, no shit,” I laugh in return.

Ryker moves his hands from my face back down to my shoulders. “You’ve been through a lot, Natalie, and I’ve wanted to give you your space . . . but . . .” He clenches his jaw and looks away.

“But what, Ryker?” I reach up and touch his cheek, directing his eyes back to me.

“I don’t want you to disappear again, either.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” I say quietly, with a smile. “Do you love me?”

Something breaks in his eyes as he swallows hard. “I never stopped, Nat. Not for a day.”

As fresh tears spill down both our cheeks, I curl my hand around the back of his neck and pull him into a kiss. A kiss I’ve thought about for ten years, a kiss that changed my life twelve years ago, and a kiss that’s changing it again. Ryker’s arms wrap around my waist, and he lifts me off the ground, carrying me into the warmth of his living room as we cry through a moment too heavy for words.





Chapter 49





“Dinner was delicious, thank you.” I smile as Ryker clears my plate from in front of me.

“You’re welcome,” he whispers as he kisses my cheek.

The last few months have gone much smoother than my anxiety tried to tell me they would. Ryker and I started by meeting for lunch or dinner on the weeks I didn’t have the boys, and he’d come see me at work for lunch a few times on the weeks I did. Tosha gave me a teary-eyed grin when I told her that Ryker and I were going to start seeing each other again.

“I’m happy for you, Nat,” she said.

“Thanks, Tosh. I’m scared a little, though.”

“It’s okay,” she said with a wink, “love is supposed to feel that way.”

We’ve kept up weekly visits with Marion, who hasn’t had much to say about us other than, told you so. She doesn’t ever say that, but each crook of her eyebrow and shake of her head tells us just the same.

Dr. Greene has met with us together a few times as we try to navigate through our apprehension about starting our relationship. It’s only fear, she says, and that’s scarier than what may or may not be behind it. She’s encouraged us to look at it as starting our relationship, rather than re-starting, to try to leave the past at the door rather than right between us. We’ve been taking it slow, though, and tonight is the first night I’m staying at his house.

“You look nervous.” I say, walking toward Ryker as he dries the last plate and sets it on the shelf.

He sighs and leans against the counter. “I still get nightmares, Nat. Not all the time, but, I still get them.”

“It’s okay,” I wrap my arms around his waist, “I do too, sometimes.”