In the Middle of Somewhere (Middle of Somewhere, #1)(135)

“We haven’t seen him since the funeral either,” Brian says.

“What? But what about the party at the shop?”

“He didn’t show.”

“Is he at home?”

“No, man, we didn’t think of that!” Brian says, like a jackass. “He isn’t at home and he hasn’t been at the shop. We haven’t seen him since the funeral. I keep calling his phone and he never picks up.”

“I haven’t talked to him, Brian,” I say, “but if I hear from him I’ll let you know.”

It’s a testament to how anxious Brian must be that he doesn’t say a single nasty thing as he hangs up the phone. I dial Colin’s number and his phone rings to voice mail.

“Colin,” I say, “um, it’s Daniel again. Look, Brian just called me and he says no one’s heard from you since the funeral. I just… want to make sure everything’s okay. Okay? So, even if you don’t want to talk to me, maybe call Brian or Sam? Okay, bye. Oh, and I didn’t say anything. Okay, bye.”

“All right, son, you’re all set,” Wallace says, pulling the trailer thing with the tree in it up in front of me. Rex hops off and hands Wallace some money. I reach for my wallet, but Rex waves me off.

“Thank you,” he says, shaking Wallace’s hand. He looks so happy.

“Merry Christmas, boys,” Wallace says, waving.

Rex smiles at me and then grabs the bundled-up tree like it’s nothing more than a baseball bat he’s casually resting on his shoulder and sets off for the truck. He straps the tree to the roof and we set off. Rex is unusually talkative, explaining some of the things Wallace told him about tree farming. I love seeing him so happy, but the call from Brian is nagging at me.

“Hey, what’s up?” Rex asks a few minutes later. I glance up at him.

“You don’t think….” I begin. “I mean….” I shake my head. “It’s just, Brian called while you were getting the tree. And he said no one’s heard from Colin since the funeral. He’s not at home, won’t answer his phone. I just… I don’t know, I just wonder if he’s okay. I’ve called him. A few times. And he hasn’t called back.”

A few nights ago, when I took Marilyn out for her evening walk, I called Colin again. At first I was just going to leave a generic, “Seriously, dude, are you ever going to call me back,” message. But as I was walking, I started to think about how it might have been if Colin and I had been allies instead of enemies. How different things would have been. How different I might have been. So, when his voice mail picked up, I said, “Hi, Colin. I’m so angry with you because you cheated me out of a brother. I don’t understand why you never told me. I mean, I can think of lots of reasons, but I don’t know what yours was. No matter what it was, though, I think it sucks. I think it sucks that you let me think I was alone in this, when I wasn’t. I wasn’t, was I, Colin?”

My hands were shaking when I hung up the phone, and Marilyn was sitting at my feet, looking up at me like she was worried about me.

The next night, I snuck into the bathroom after Rex was asleep and left another message.

“Colin, it’s Daniel. Look, I’m mad at you, but I still want to talk to you, okay? I want to know what the f*ck’s going on with you. Why were you so horrified when you found out I was gay? Because I know you weren’t faking that. You almost killed Buddy when you found us together. I just want to know why. Please call me back, okay?”

“Do you know any of his friends he might go stay with?” Rex asks. “Any of them you could call?”

“No. I don’t know any of his friends. I don’t even know if he has any. If he hasn’t talked to Brian and Sam then he hasn’t talked to anyone.”

I stare out the window, the snow suddenly seeming oppressive instead of magical. I try to shake it off, though, because today is supposed to be about the Christmas tree—about making Rex happy.

“He’s probably with that man, don’t you think?” I ask. “The one from the funeral?”

“That makes sense,” Rex says. But I’m not so sure.




WE SPEND a lazy day decorating the tree with some tinsel and lights that Rex says he found in his workshop but that I suspect he may have bought especially for us. Marilyn is confused to see a tree inside and we have to keep taking her outside to stop her from peeing on it.

“I’ll take her,” I say when she circles the tree again as Rex is about to start dinner.

Outside, a few more inches of snow have fallen since this morning and the scene of snow-draped pine trees outside Rex’s cabin, with its warmly glowing windows, looks like a postcard that I can’t believe I can walk into it. I fiddle with my phone, flipping it open and shut uncertainly until it almost breaks in half. Jesus, I really need to get a new phone. I mentally add it to the ever-increasing list of shit I need to buy in a couple of paychecks.

I flip the phone open and call Colin before I can change my mind. But, of course, it goes right to voice mail.

“Colin,” I say, my teeth chattering. “I have this memory. At least, I think it is. I’m not totally sure it really happened, but… if it did…. It’s—it was a snow day at school and I came home early. You were in bed, drunk, and I remember Dad’s pills, for his back. Anyway, I remember a lot of them, Colin, and I just. I wanted to make sure—I wanted to see if…. Look, just don’t do anything f*cking stupid, all right, you *? Because I…. Just, please be okay. Okay?”