In a Dark, Dark Wood(38)

At last the talk was done and we all followed Greg and trooped out of the hut into the sparse pine wood, our guns broken and hooked over our arms.

‘Hey, if you enjoy this, maybe you should put a shotgun on the wedding list!’ Flo said to Clare, and gave her loud braying laugh. ‘Shotgun wedding in the most literal sense, huh?’

Clare laughed. ‘I think James’d kill me if I started messing around with the gift list now. It took the best part of a day in John Lewis to get it whittled down to what we’ve got now. You wouldn’t believe the arguments we had – just choosing a coffee maker took about two hours. Is a Heston Blumenthal endorsement a plus or a minus? Do we need a milk frother? Should we get bean-to-cup, or one of those pod machines—’

‘Oh bean-to-cup, surely?’ Tom interrupted. ‘George Clooney can say what he likes, but pods are so Noughties. They’re the soda stream de nos jours. Catchy, but fundamentally pointless and inconvenient.’

‘You sound exactly like James!’ Clare said. ‘But then bean-to-cup is all very well, but what do you do if the grinder goes? That was my argument. You’re stuck with a useless machine. Whereas if you get a separate grinder—’

‘True, true,’ Tom said nodding. ‘So what did you decide?’

‘Well, I’m a tea gal, as you know. James is the coffee fiend. So I gave him the casting vote and he went for the Sage by Heston Blumenthal bean-to-cup.’

‘Bruce looked at one of those last year. Hefty beast. And best part of six hundred quid from what I remember?’

‘About that,’ Clare agreed.

Nina caught my eye and went cross-eyed. I tried to keep my face expressionless, but my heart was with her. Six hundred pounds for a coffee machine? I like coffee, but six hundred pounds? And on a gift list too. I knew she meant nothing by it, but there was something unintentionally offensive about Clare’s casual assumption that people could spend that much on her. Or would want to.

Or maybe it was James’s assumption.

The thought left a bad taste in my mouth.

‘Right,’ Greg called as the trees thinned out into a large grassy clearing. There was a little breeze-block wall over the far side. ‘Everybody hold up here. Now the kind of cartridge that we’ll be using today,’ Greg said, with the air of someone reciting a well-worn spiel, ‘is 7.5. This is a good mid-range type of shot, suitable for pretty much all types of clay shooting, whether that’s sport, skeet or trap. This,’ he held up a cartridge, ‘is a live 7.5 round, with the shot itself packed into the tip—’ he tapped the rounded end, ‘—the wad in the centre, and the gunpowder and primer at this metal end here. Now, before we get going, I’m gonna show you the effects of a cartridge full of 7.5 on a human body.’

‘Don’t be asking for volunteers next!’ Flo hooted.

Greg turned a deadpan face onto her. ‘Very kind of you to step forward, young lady.’

Flo gave a nervous laugh. She looked taken aback, but at the same time slightly thrilled. ‘It should be the hen, really!’ she protested, as Greg beckoned, but she went and stood beside him anyway, blushing and covering her face in pantomime fear.

‘Right. So Flo here has kindly volunteered to help demonstrate the effects of a barrel full of shot at close quarters.’ He paused for a beat and then winked. ‘But don’t worry, she’s not gonna be on the business end. What I have here,’ he held up a large sheet of paper with a black outline on it, ‘is a paper target, more usually used for handgun target practice.’

He fished in his pocket, pulled out some tacks and pinned the target sheet to a nearby tree. The bark was blistered and pock-marked with wounds, and it wasn’t hard to guess what was about to happen next.

‘Everybody stand back please. Ear defenders on, Flo.’

‘I feel like a DJ!’ Flo said, grinning as she pulled the neon headphones over her ears.

‘Now, I’m loading the cartridge into the gun,’ he slid it into place, ‘and shutting the barrel as we demonstrated back at the centre. Flo, come up here, stand in front of me. Right, bring the gun up to your shoulder.’ He held it against her, steadying it in place. Flo gave a slightly hysterical titter.

‘Our Greg’s quite dishy, isn’t he?’ Tom whispered into my ear. ‘I wouldn’t mind having him correct my stance. Flo certainly looks like she’s not about to object.’

‘Hold it firm,’ Greg said. ‘Now, finger on the trigger.’ He held Flo’s hand in place, steadying the stock and barrel against her. ‘And gently squeeeeze the trigger. No sharp movements …’

There was a deafening crack, Flo gave a little squeak and staggered back against Greg’s chest, and the paper in front of us exploded into pieces.

‘Jesus!’ Tom said.

I’d seen target-shooting on American films – nice neat little holes, close to the bull’s-eye of the outlined figure. But this was something else. The shot had hit the paper full in the chest, and the whole middle section of the piece was virtually destroyed. As we watched, the legs fluttered free and drifted gently to the leafy ground.

‘Quite.’ Greg took the gun off Flo and walked across to stand close to us. Flo’s face, as she trotted beside him, was a mixture of alarm and excitement, her cheeks pink. I wasn’t sure if it was the thrill of the explosion or whether, as Tom had suggested, she had enjoyed Greg’s one-to-one attention.