If I'm Being Honest(66)

I thought I was in control when I decided to “tame” myself. But what if I wasn’t? Andrew is a good guy, a guy I care about. He’s not Petruchio, and I’m not Katherine, giving up her will for a guy she detests. I’ve never been starved or locked away. But in ways I never knew, his words crept into my head and convinced me I needed to prove myself. I believed I was improving myself in order to get what I wanted. But the hardest kind of control to break is the one you don’t know is there.

Now I know. I’m done with my list. I’m done with “taming.”

Kowalski’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “Everybody return to your desks, and we’ll discuss as a class.”

Anna practically falls over in her eagerness to leave. I stand up, looking down at Elle. “You know,” I say softly, “I didn’t kiss Brendan because of Andrew. I kissed Brendan because I like him.”

Elle blinks, but she says nothing, and I return to my desk.



* * *





When the bell rings for lunch, I don’t bother going to our normal table. I definitely don’t want to go to the robotics room, not ready to face Brendan after yesterday. Instead, I catch Paige walking out the door. “Hey,” I say, “can I sit with you guys today?”

“Um.” Paige eyes me quizzically. “Yeah, definitely.” We walk through the hall. If Paige notices the stares and stifled laughter my presence elicits, she doesn’t react. I guess she might be used to it. But when we’re walking into the dining hall, she asks tentatively, “Do you . . . want to talk about whatever’s going on with Elle?”

“Not really,” I say quietly.

Paige nods. We join the line into the kitchen, walking up behind Grant and Hannah. They’ve obviously decided to publicize their new relationship to the entire world, and they’re presently treating the food line like a parking lot past business hours. They’re unable to keep their hands off each other. Grant whispers in Hannah’s ear, and she giggles and blushes brightly. Paige gives me a dry look. I force a commiserative shrug in return.

I want to be happy for Grant and Hannah. I am happy for them. It’s just, watching them together, I can’t help wondering if I’ll never have a relationship like that. If I’m not good enough. Early indications have not been promising.

Paige must notice my expression, because she turns to Hannah. “Can’t you guys just go hook up in the instrument storage room like everyone else?”

Grant looks at Hannah like he thinks that’s a wonderful idea. Hannah, however, withdraws from his arms. “We’ll keep the PDA under control. Promise,” she says, the blush not having faded from her cheeks. Grant pouts behind her.

I give Paige a grateful glance, feeling my chest warm. I still have her, which is worth a lot.

We find the rest of the group once we’ve gotten food. I join Abby and Charlie, while Grant sits on the opposite bench with Hannah and Paige.

“Guess who’s not having lunch alone in the robotics room today,” Paige says, biting into her panini.

I brighten. “Brendan’s coming?”

“No, a couple guys from his chemistry class invited him to eat with them,” Paige answers cheerfully.

“Oh.” I deflate. “Wow. Has he ever done that before?” I have a good guess what their topic of discussion will be.

“Nope,” Paige says. “It’s thanks to you, of course.”

“You’ve made him a legend,” Charlie says next to me. “Everyone’s talking about how he must have mad game if he got you to kiss him.” He’s looking at me like he wants me to confirm. And I can’t deny, Brendan does have unexpected game, but it’s not something I feel like discussing right now.

Hannah cuts in. “Are you guys, like, together?” she asks conspiratorially. Unsurprisingly, Hannah’s been downright congenial to me since Rocky Horror.

“Oh, no.” I iron casualness into my voice. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Well, good,” Abby says. “Because I heard three girls talking about wanting to ask him out.”

I flinch and hope no one notices. Three feels like an awfully big number.

“I heard he gave his number to a sophomore cheerleader,” Grant chimes in.

And that’s all I can take. Abruptly, I get up. “I just realized,” I say hurriedly, “I have to talk to Mr. West about the Computer Science final.” I feel queasy. Without bothering to pick up my food, I leave the table.



* * *





I’m a complete idiot. Brendan could never want me. How could he, after everything I’ve put him through? He wants a nice girl—a sophomore cheerleader.

Wandering into the sunlit courtyard, I don’t get far before I hear someone calling my name. It’s Andrew. He’s jogging to catch up with me. “Hey, Cameron,” he says, like he’s trying to be casual, but I detect a note of urgency in his voice. “Can we talk?”

“Um, yeah,” I say distractedly and wait.

“In private?” Andrew prompts.

“Oh, um. Okay.” I follow him to a classroom, and he holds the door open for me.

The door’s hardly shut when he starts speaking again. “Winter formal’s coming up,” he says, his voice jarringly loud in the empty room. I recognize nervousness on Andrew. The way he bunches his shoulders, the way he rubs his knuckles uneasily. “I was hoping you’d be my date,” he finishes.