If I Only Knew(14)

He also distracts her from meddling in my life.

“Just asking when you’ll be too busy to care about dumb crap again and focus on what matters.”

“You’re not dumb.”

“I didn’t say I was dumb,” I correct.

Kristin touches my hand. “As much as you think this is about Milo and his hotness, it’s not.”

I look at her with confusion.

She sighs and continues. “This is about you getting back out in the world. Seeing things again without tunnel vision.”

Here we go.

“I am out in the world, Kris. I needed money, so I got a job. A good one too. I have my family, friends, and I don’t sit around crying. Am I sad? Yes, I’m sad. I miss him, but I’m out there living, doing everything I can.”

“I’m not judging you. I’m just saying that talking about your feelings goes a long way.”

I appreciate where she’s going with this. I really do, but talking about my hot British assistant doesn’t check any mourning boxes in my world. It’s inviting problems where I definitely don’t need them.

My husband could be an asshole, but he was a good man. He loved me and the kids, provided for us, and while we almost ended our marriage, it wasn’t like Peter was abusive. He didn’t cheat. He loved his job and didn’t know how to balance it with life.

I place my hand over hers. “I know in your ever-romantic heart you’re somehow trying to push me to think about a man again, but I’m not there yet.”

“I’m just saying open your heart a little.”

“Like you did with Noah?” I remind her.

Kristin fought that off for a long time. She had walls that were forged in steel, Noah had the fortitude to keep pushing until he broke through.

“And who was it that told me I should let myself feel again? Who said I deserved to be happy even if I wasn’t even divorced yet?” she asks.

“It’s different.”

Kristin gives a small smile. “Yes, it is, and yet it’s not. I’ll stop now,” she promises. “But promise me that you won’t close yourself off to anything. Not Milo, because from the stories we’ve heard, he’s a freaking idiot, but. . . don’t say never to another man.”

I’m not closed off, I just have no desire to feel for a man right now. I have this anger that sits inside of me, wanting to know why, though I may never know the answer.

Of all my friends, Kristin understands more than the others. She saw me when I was on the ground, unable to stand. She heard me scream, cry, throw things, and then gathered me in her arms and held me.

I wasn’t a good mother those days. I know this, and I’ve pushed myself to atone for it. Hell, I still am.

“I need to focus on Ava and Parker,” I remind her. “I wasn’t exactly mother of the year after Peter’s death.”

“Stop it. You were doing everything you could to survive.”

“I wasn’t there for them when they needed me.” I think about how I should’ve done more, but I couldn’t see past my grief. I let my mother and friends be there as I wallowed in my pain. The guilt still eats at me.

“Mommy!” Parker runs over. I turn my head and wipe the tear that was falling. “Aubrey told me we were getting married! Is that true?”

Kristin and I burst out laughing. “You’re way too young to get married,” I tell him.

Aubrey comes over with her hands on her hips. “Parker, we have to get married!”

“I don’t want to,” he tells her.

“Aubrey,” Kristin slips into her motherly voice. “You need to stop this. You’ve told four boys this week the same thing.”

Aubrey shakes her head. “Because Margaret,” she sneers. “Took the other boys, so I’m taking the ones that are left.”

“You only get one, honey,” I tell her. “You can’t collect them.”

“Oh.” Her face falls. “Then I want Noah.”

Kristin has her hands full with that one.

We both giggle a little and I sit back, ready to watch Kristin explain. As funny as it is, at least the girl didn’t pick her father. Scott is the last man I’d hope Aubrey would try to find in her life.

Kristin looks to me for help, but I raise my hands. “Why don’t we have lunch?” she changes gear. “Chicken nuggets and ice cream?”

“Yay!” Both kids yell and I laugh. Leave it to Kristin to feed the kids chicken nuggets and ice cream at eleven in the morning to avoid a conversation with her daughter.

“Well, that’s one way to handle it,” I smile as the kids run inside.

“You have no idea what else I would’ve offered if it got her off the subject,” she says.

We spend the next hour getting the kids settled, and then Nicole and Heather arrive. Colin was down for his morning nap and Heather worked the night shift, so they couldn’t come for our impromptu barbeque.

Normally, we’d have our traditional one in a few months where I hosted it and all the families were here for hours. It was Peter’s favorite thing to do.

Last year there was no way I could do it. My heart wasn’t there, but my best friends came over anyway.

This year, I still refused and they decided we’d make it for us women on a different month and start a new tradition. So, this is our first cookout without husbands. It’s a time where we can drink, enjoy each other, and catch up. Even though we all live in Tampa, since they’re all either married or in serious relationships, we don’t see each other like we did before.