I'm Fine and Neither Are You(60)

Russ didn’t budge from his perch on my desk, so I waved him away with my hand.

“I’m not a dog, Penny,” he said as he exited my office. “You can’t shoo me.” Then he barked outside my door.

As much as I didn’t want to encourage him, I couldn’t help but laugh. I had just composed myself when Sanjay picked up the phone. “It’s me,” I said. “A bunch of my colleagues are going out for drinks at the wings place, and I need to be demonstrating that I’m a team player. Would you mind if I went out for an hour? I know we’d talked about prepping for your second interview.”

“Of course not,” he said. “I have two more days to get ready. I’ll be fine.”

“Great, thank you.”

“Have fun. And Penny?”

“Yeah?”

He paused. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said.

And I did. I just wished that things between us didn’t feel so strained. I wished that I had figured out a subtle way of improving our marriage rather than asking him to commit to honesty.

Because as I closed my browser—which had been open to a photo of Christina, grinning seductively while sitting at a piano—I was pretty sure I couldn’t handle one more truth.



I was thinking about Sanjay when Russ sidled up next to me at the bar. He raised his arm, and the bartender, whom I’d been trying to flag down for five minutes, sauntered over. “What can I get for you?” he asked Russ.

“I’m going to defer to the lady here, since she’s been waiting,” said Russ. “Penny? What can this fine fellow bring you?”

I wasn’t in the mood to be rescued. However, I was in need of a drink. “Vodka tonic with lime, please,” I said.

“And the IPA you have on tap,” added Russ, handing the bartender his credit card. “Can you open a tab and put both on this?”

“Sure thing,” said the bartender.

“Thanks,” I said to Russ. “You didn’t have to. By which I mean you shouldn’t have.”

He flashed me a broad white smile. “I’d say it’s the least I can do for dragging you to this armpit of an establishment, but it’s a business expense.”

“Gee, thanks,” I droned. As soon as I realized I was smiling, I pushed my lips back into a straight line. There had been tension between us for weeks now. On the one hand, he did things like undermine me in front of my boss and a major donor. On the other, he had come through for me several times since the day Jenny died. He bought me perfect flowers and talked to me about Jenny—and I liked it.

Did that make me as guilty as Sanjay?

The bartender returned with our drinks. Russ took a swig of his, then wiped his mouth with his hand. “How are you doing about your friend?” he asked. His eyes were searching my face, which felt too intimate, even in the middle of a crowded sports bar.

I looked up at the television. Beefy men in suits moved their mouths as footage of two baseball teams I could not identify played behind them. “I’m managing to get through the days.” Then I took a long sip of my drink. So long that when I put it down, half of the glass was empty.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I bet this is even tougher than you’re letting on, huh?”

I turned back to him with surprise. “Yeah. But if you knew that, why’d you interrupt me during the presentation with Nancy Weingarten?”

He squirmed. Good—let him. “I’m sorry about that,” he said. “Being a jerk is kind of my default state, but I’m trying to work on it.”

Men in fancy shorts were now doing hand-to-hand combat on the TV. Russ and I both watched them for a minute.

“Thanks for apologizing,” I said.

“I should have earlier.” He took another drink of his beer. “So what’s next, Penny?”

For a second, I thought he was talking about that evening. I was about to tell him I planned to go home, have dinner, and tuck my kids in when he added, “You know. After this gig. You can’t possibly want to do this for the rest of your life.”

“Yolanda gave you the talk about whether you were happy in development, too?” I said.

He frowned. “No.”

“Oh. Well, she and I had a meeting last week, and she asked me if I was happy and wanted to know what she could do to, quote, ‘incentivize me.’” I eyed him. “You’re not allowed to use that against me, by the way.”

He held up his hands in a show of innocence. “I would never. But it’s not a surprise she asked you that. She’s probably worried you’re going to leave, which would make her job a hell of a lot harder. And mine, if we’re being honest.”

“I’m not going anywhere, but even if I did, you could easily run the department yourself,” I said.

“Not as well.”

“I don’t believe that, but the whole thing is beside the point. To answer your question, for the foreseeable future, next is just paying bills and saving for college and retirement and keeping my family afloat. It’s lucky that I’m good at development—it pays better than a lot of things. So, I’ll ask for a raise at my review. If Yolanda ever leaves I’ll try for her job, even though it’s more likely to go to you or some other white dude. The plan is to keep on keeping on.” The drone of my voice was as riveting as the sound of highway traffic, but there was no way to make this admission remotely interesting.