I'm Fine and Neither Are You(54)

“No. But . . .”

“But what!” I erupted.

He looked nervous. “You’re yelling at me. Didn’t you say you wanted us to be honest with each other?”

I wasn’t sure when, but I had begun to pace our bedroom. “I’m supposed to stop pretending things are fine when they’re not, but I can only do that in specific ways that involve not raising my voice. Got it.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Yell if you need to. But believe me, Penny—there’s no affair. No touching, no shared secrets—nothing. I just felt like things between me and her were heading in the wrong direction.”

My heart hurt so much that he may as well have confessed they’d been tearing off each other’s clothes every Thursday night. Someone had been attracted to my husband. And he was attracted to her, too. Why wouldn’t he be? She had curly blonde hair and dimples and was barely thirty. Even more than that, though, Christina oozed charisma. She laughed easily and complimented frequently and was one of those people who made every conversation more interesting.

Whereas stale, old wifey had to pedal her mental wheels hard in order to come up with something other than work and pee accidents to talk about. As for radiating wanton magnetism? That ship left the port the very hour my first pregnancy test came back positive.

“What do you mean, wrong direction ?” He didn’t need to tell me not to yell this time; my words were again a whisper.

He took a deep breath. “I felt like she was paying too much attention to me, and I was liking it too much. I didn’t want to stick around to see if anything more developed. I mean, you and I are working on our marriage right now, and spending time with Christina seemed like . . . the opposite of that.”

What Sanjay had done was the right thing to do. It was exactly how any woman who cared even an iota about her marriage would have wanted her husband to behave in similar circumstances. Yet his acknowledgment made me understand why he had so readily agreed to work on our marriage. We were in more danger than I had realized.

Which was why his first request had been for us to have sex.

“Please don’t be upset with me, Penny,” he said. “I would have preferred not to tell you, but we’re supposed to be honest with each other, right?”

“I’m not upset with you,” I said quietly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

No, I had been the one to screw this all up. Suggesting honesty to improve our relationship. Thinking we could resuscitate our erotic life with a few compulsory rolls in the hay.

Assuming the only cracks in my marriage were the ones I could see.

Sanjay crossed the bedroom to where I was still pacing. When he reached me, he hugged me. “Penny,” he said softly. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

My arms hung limp at my sides; I could not bring myself to embrace him. My husband had kept a secret from me. What else would he soon disclose? I didn’t want to know.

“I’m fine,” I said into his shirt. “And neither are you.”



I was still feeling weepy and defeated when I sat down at my desk later that morning. When I turned on my computer, a notice informed me that Yolanda had scheduled an impromptu meeting with me in half an hour.

Fantastic, I thought, eyeing my to-do list. Couldn’t whatever it was wait until our usual Tuesday meeting with me, her, and Russ? But she’d just gotten back from vacation and probably wanted to lecture me for snapping at her about John Sterling.

I passed Russ’ office on the way to Yolanda’s. His door was open but he wasn’t at his desk. For whatever reason, I stopped and stepped inside.

Russ’ walls were white, just like mine; his furniture was identical to the generic pieces I used. Like me, he had no window. The only real difference was that his space was free of personal items, whereas I had decorated with family photos and taped up Stevie’s and Miles’ artwork.

But upon further inspection, Russ’ office was slightly larger than my own—maybe two feet wider in either direction. How had I not noticed this before? Or maybe I had, and had promptly tossed this information into the mental trash can where I put unfair things that I could not change.

It’s not important, I told myself as I stepped back into the hall. More space wouldn’t buy groceries or pay for car insurance. Besides, what I most needed from a work environment was the ability to generate cash for my family.

When I reached Yolanda’s office, she was not on the phone or looking at her computer. Unless my eyes were deceiving me, she was not doing much of anything. Which was strange.

“Come in,” she called. “Close the door behind you.”

I sat in front of her, wondering what she would say. She leaned back in her Aeron chair and folded her arms. “You made contact with Sterling?” she said.

“Yes. We have a meeting scheduled for next week.”

“Good. I was surprised at your response when I asked you to follow up.”

Now we were getting down to business. “Well, I was surprised you doubted me,” I said in what I hoped was an even tone of voice. “Especially on the heels of the Weingarten donation.”

“You were rather vocal about that as well.”

“I was only trying to highlight my contribution to the medical school and this team. It’s come to my attention that I’ve been downplaying my role and contributions at my own expense.”