I Want You Back (Want You #1)(12)

“I’ve missed that sarcastic mouth. You still can’t repeat back a simple question, can you?”

“Nope. That’s what we graphic designers do—add extra flourishes. It’s the same question, Jax, so hit me with your answer.”

“I have no idea what I’ve been doing, Luce. Dad sends me to ‘train’ at various departments, but I haven’t learned a damn thing besides how big and complicated this company truly is. I’m as lost as the intern I found sobbing in the break room last month. And trust me, I knew exactly how she felt.”

His distress was so genuine, without thought I put my hand on his chest to try and soothe him. “Have you talked to anyone about this?”

“You’re the first.” He covered my hand with his. “My dad is the CEO. As the oldest Lund son, he was groomed for the position by his father. As my grandfather was groomed in the same way by his father. Now the grooming cycle begins with me. Except I’ve spent minimal time in these ‘hallowed halls,’ because from the time I held that hockey stick in my hand at age eight, that’s all I ever wanted. Period. I only went to college to appease my parents and to play hockey. I have a degree in business and no idea how to use it to benefit a company this size. How am I supposed to talk to my family about this? Like you said, I’m the oldest. By all rights, and historically in the Lund family, I’m next in line for that CEO position. Imagining being at the helm of this billion-dollar company scares the shit out of me, Luce. Like panic attack type fear that’s keeping me up at night. It’s not me being macho or trying to save face when I say that none of my family members will understand—not my dad, not Ash, not Brady, not Annika, not Uncle Ward, not Uncle Monte, and especially not Nolan, who are all super invested and committed to LI.”

“Oh, Jax.”

“Everyone is cutting me way too much slack. They claim I’ll find my footing. That I’ll eventually settle in. But I know in my gut that’s never gonna happen. So I’ve been playing along just the same as I’ve always done since they put me on the board of directors when I was twenty-two.”

“What can I do?”

Jax rested his forehead to mine. “You’re doing it.”

“Just listening?”

“Yeah.” He inhaled a deep breath.

His exhale fanned across my lips, and I steeled myself not to tremble from this intimacy.

“Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to blurt all of this out. I know that we haven’t been each other’s confidants for a long time, but you were the one person in my life I could talk to.” He squeezed my hand. “I miss that. I miss this. I never fully understood what I had with you until it—and you—were gone.”

My entire body stiffened.

He sighed and retreated. “And there was another confession that I hadn’t intended to make today.”

“Just today?” The words slipped out before I could stop them.

His haunted eyes searched mine. “There’s so much between us that we’ve never addressed. So much hurt and anger. Frustration and lies. I get that the past is the past, Luce, I really do. To some extent, we’re both still stuck there. Or dwelling on it, which means we’ve never truly dealt with our past the way we need to. I wasn’t in a position to ask for that from you. I’m not talking about forgiveness.”

“Then what are you talking about, Jax?”

“Hoping at some point we can have a conversation. An uninterrupted conversation that has nothing to do with Mimi and everything to do with what happened between us. What went wrong when everything started out so right.”

Your infidelity and your inability to see a life off the ice ruined everything.

“I can tell you want to say something to me, so just go ahead and spit it out.”

The words that had been stuck inside me for so long dislodged themselves from that dark place and exited my mouth in a rush. “You’re absolutely right.”

Jax went utterly still. “Please say that again so I know I wasn’t hearing what I wanted to hear.”

“You’re right. Before either of us can move on, we should deal with our past. We should . . . talk.”

The relief on his handsome face and the way he suddenly had difficulty swallowing assured me I’d said the right thing, even if following through with this conversation would be excruciating for both of us.

“Thank you.”

Before I could respond, Mimi crashed into us, worming her way between our bodies, which were way closer than usual. I stepped back, and if Mimi noticed I’d been touching her father . . . Oh, who was I kidding? She didn’t pay attention to stuff like that.

“Mommy, can I have cake?”

I looked at Jax. “Has she already had cake today?” Mimi’s favorite place was Wuollet Bakery because they crafted the most beautiful, elaborate cupcakes, and she begged her dad to take her there every weekend.

Jax shook his head. “After our late night at the play, we slept in today, so we didn’t eat brunch until one. She had a waffle but no desserts.”

“So is that yes?” Mimi demanded.

“Yes. One piece. Have Grandma help you.”

Mimi’s freckled nose wrinkled. “I’m not a baby. I don’t need help getting cake.”

She skipped off and I caught Edie’s eye. She gave me a quick nod and arrived at the cake table at the same time as her granddaughter.