I Want You Back (Want You #1)(102)

“She woke up like a character out of Evil Dead.” He locked his gaze to mine. “She’s a safer topic for both of us, but I don’t want to talk about her.”

“I don’t know if I can continue to talk about this. What good will it do?”

What will it change? hung in the air between us, followed by silence.

Jax watched me closely. When I didn’t say anything else because I didn’t know what to say, he said, “I understand. I’ll just go.”

“But . . .”

“There’s no reason for me to stay.”

“Jax.”

“It’s okay. We’ll touch base tomorrow.” He started backing away.

I swear by the time he reached my apartment door he was running.

And I didn’t try and stop him.



* * *



? ? ?

    After Jax left, I cracked open a beer and my laptop.

I needed to know the health issues, realities, complications about HSV-2 for myself.

Holy crap was there a lot of information. Everything I could possibly want to know about the STD. I must’ve hopped from article to article for over an hour, because the next time I reached for my beer it had gotten warm.

I closed my eyes and let the emotions I’d kept in check wash over me.

The one I expected to be the most prevalent, the “I told you so” smug feeling of satisfaction that he’d gotten what he deserved . . . was absent.

Neither did I feel manipulated by him telling me he loved me so he could finally get laid. Because if this secret was about pride, I’d be the last person he’d want to know. He’d cheated on me. It’d been a key factor in destroying our relationship. He had to fear that I’d laugh. Or I’d have no sympathy whatsoever. Or that I’d walk away because he wasn’t worth the risk.

Mostly I felt sad that he’d accepted he’d have to spend his life without intimacy.

Being around him the past few months hadn’t stirred up bad memories of our time together, but the good times, of which there’d been plenty. The bad times happened at the end. The worst times happened when we hadn’t been together for years, when he took out his frustration with his life on me in the one way he could hurt me—financially. There was a two-year period where it seemed like he dragged me to court every other month to argue over child support and custody rights.

It’d been a shitty time in my life, but I’d survived it without turning to booze. Or random sexual encounters. I had something more precious to worry about than my pride: my daughter.

When I looked at Jax now, there was no trace of that self-hating, self-destructive man. All I saw was a man who knew what he wanted and was patient enough to wait for it, even when there was no guarantee that he’d get it.

I knew I’d fallen in love with him again, but I hadn’t wanted to put myself out there first.

He’d taken the risk.

Now it was my turn.





Twenty





JAX




Tonight I regretted not putting in a home gym.

I could use a workout with a speed bag. And a punching bag. Beating the shit out of something held immense appeal.

In the scheme of things, Lucy could’ve reacted worse. A lot worse.

And I’d bailed before I saw something replace the shock on her face.

Like fear. Or regret. Or smugness.

I scrubbed my hands over my face and replayed everything that had happened earlier. Had I made a mistake not telling her sooner?

Yeah, I could imagine how that conversation might’ve gone.

Hey, Luce, while we’re getting to know each other again, after I’ve been out of your life for eight years, and you might consider trusting me . . . before I can prove to you that I’ve changed . . . you oughta know I have an incurable STD, so whatdya say we give an intimate relationship a shot?

If I would’ve confessed all at the very start, we wouldn’t have gotten to this point where I knew she felt something for me and our past hadn’t destroyed all chances of a future together.

I hadn’t fully prepared myself, however, for the stress I’d be under for however long it took for her to decide whether I—we—were worth the risk.

Maybe I’d watch a movie to take my mind off it, because there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d be able to sleep tonight.

But I didn’t move. I remained in the living room, brooding in the near dark as I stared out the windows, hating that my poor life choices had brought me here even as I understood without me making those bad choices, I wouldn’t have wised up, become a better man, cleaned up my act. I wouldn’t be here for my daughter or have this new relationship with Lucy. I’d be drunk, reliving my glory years, blaming everything and everyone but myself for my crappy, lonely life.

I’d decided to cook something when I heard the elevator ding.

Or maybe it was wishful thinking.

Then I saw a reflection in the window and movement behind me. My heart rate quadrupled before I slowly turned around and saw Lucy standing there. I honestly was so dumbfounded I couldn’t form a single word.

Her hands were jammed in the pockets of her robe. It took a while before she found her voice.

“I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been for you, Jax. Telling me you love me and want a life with me and then having to tack on an ‘oh, by the way, I have HSV-2’ statement that might end everything between us.”