Hudson(119)

So, for the second time in two days, I tell the story. It’s harder to share with Mirabelle. She doesn’t hide the disappointment in her features. She frequently brushes tears from her eyes, but she listens without interrupting.

When I’m finished, she lets out a breathy sigh. Then she says, “Fuck you, Hudson.”

I’m surprised—not because I don’t deserve the cursing, but because I didn’t expect it. Not from her.

“I love you. I really do.” Her voice is heavy with emotion. “And I’m always going to be here for you, but you really f**ked up this time. And if you don’t recognize that, then there’s no hope for you.”

I bow my head. I can’t look at her anymore. Her disapproval hurts almost as much as Alayna’s. “I recognize it. Fully.”

She won’t look at me. “That’s something at least.”

“It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

“I don’t doubt it.” There’s a bite to her words. They’re pointed and sharp. They leave marks on me.

I always thought of myself as well-armored. Nothing could get in. And now when I really look, I see the scars. Feel their jagged edges across every inch of my body. Can everyone see them? Can Mirabelle?

I’m broken and mangled, but it’s suddenly important to me that she knows I’m trying to stand again. “Losing her, Mirabelle, it’s…it’s hitting bottom. I’m seeing Dr. Alberts again. I tried to change when you sent me before, but now—now I want it.”

Finally, she looks at me. There’s an edge of kindness in her gaze and a pinch of pity. “I’m glad to hear that, Hudson. I really am. I only want the best for you. And I sincerely believe you can be a different man if you want to be.”

“I do.” I want it retrospectively. Why couldn’t I have been a different man before I met Alayna? If I’d tried harder to change before, then could I have been ready to meet her as my best self?

It’s hopeless to dwell on what-ifs. Yet they sneak in anyway. I let my head fall back and close my eyes.

Mirabelle moves to sit next to me. Without saying a word, she runs her fingers through my hair. It’s soothing. Hypnotic.

I swallow past the tight ball in my throat. “I f**ked up, but I genuinely love her.”

“I know.” Her voice is gentle now. “She’s not the only reason you want to change, is she?”

“Possibly.” It’s not the right answer, but it’s the truth.

Mirabelle’s hand only pauses for a half-second before resuming her calming strokes across my scalp. “Because I don’t know that you can win her back. This is…it’s bad, Hudson. There may be no moving on from this.”

I force a laugh. “The queen of love-conquers-all has doubts? Man, I’m really f**ked.”

“I’m just being honest.” She leans her head against my shoulder. “And I want you better with or without her.”




I can’t imagine a without her. Even while we’re apart, she’s still so present in my life. I know what Mirabelle means, but I simply can’t let myself think like that. “It won’t be a problem. I won’t ever stop loving Alayna. I need to be ready in case she ever changes her mind.” When she changes her mind.

“Hudson. I’m so mad at you.” Mirabelle sits up and punches her fist into my chest. It’s a heavy enough hit, though I barely feel it through the pain that already encompasses me. I wish she’d hit me again, actually. Wish she’d beat me to a pulp.

She doesn’t. Instead, she lays her palm flat against me and lays her head back on my shoulder. “And I’m so heartbroken. For both of you. I love that girl too, you know.”

“I know.” I’m not usually the type to cuddle up with my little sister, but I don’t know who I am “usually” anymore. So I wrap my arm around her tiny frame and pull her in closer. We sit like this, both of us mourning our loss.

Then she bolts up. “Ah, shit! My opening! Laynie’s supposed to be a model. She’ll probably back out now.”

“If I’m there, yes, I’d bet she does cancel.” I’d thought about this. There’s nothing I haven’t thought about regarding Alayna. But my next words are not premeditated. “I won’t come.”

Mirabelle looks at me, seeming to gauge my seriousness. When she realizes that I’m completely genuine, she says, “I know I should try to argue, but honestly? I don’t want to. Don’t hate me.”

“I understand. She’s your model. You need her. I know she wants to be there for you. So please, let me back out.” I also hope it’s something that will get Alayna out of her shell. Something that will remind her how to keep living. It’s not about Celia winning or losing anymore—Alayna has to survive because I will not be the person who destroyed her.

“Okay. I’ll let you back out. You’re banned from the premises on Saturday.” The gleam in her eyes says she understands the entirety of my motivation. “I mean it though. You can’t change your mind and show up.”

“I won’t. Scout’s honor.” Like I was ever a scout. Like I ever had honor.

I reach up to erase the smudge her earlier tears have left under her eye. I’m suddenly moved by this beautiful creature. Besides Alayna, she’s the one person who has been able to see something more in me than what I put on display. And I’m pretty sure I’ve never told her as much.