How to Fail at Flirting(71)

“I get why you’re hesitant and that the work thing is complicated, but it sounds like you are. Nay, what do you want to happen? Let’s go step-by-step.”

I dropped my head back to my hands in exasperation; leave it to a math teacher to lead me down a rational path. “I have no idea.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I want my career. I want to be at TU and keep studying, writing, and teaching in a place I love.”

“And . . . what else?” He nudged my foot with his before taking a bite of rice.

“I want him. It’s been so long since I had someone I could count on—I mean, other than you guys. Someone who cares about me. I wanted that.” I didn’t tell Aaron that Jake had told me he loved me. Even when I was admitting everything, sharing that felt too personal—it made my screwup so much bigger.

“That’s called a relationship.”

I smiled through my cloud of despair.

“Adults have them sometimes. You may be familiar with them from seeing movies and reading books.”

I searched for something to throw at him but had nothing within reach. Instead, I stared at the stained carpet from my seat on the floor and cringed. “Your carpet is in dire need of replacement, by the way.”

“Don’t change the subject. But yeah, the carpet’s bad. Blame your three favorite kids.” He took an audible deep breath and looked from the carpet to me. “Nay, there’s no sugarcoating it. You screwed up.” Aaron ticked off examples on his fingers. “You kept the relationship a secret at work, you blamed this guy for things that seem way out of his control, and you refuse to talk to him about it.”

I covered my face again. I’d already known that.

“But,” he added, “if he’s into you, and it sounds like he is, then you can fix it.” He held my gaze. “Unless . . .”

“Unless what?”

“Unless you don’t want to fix it. You’ve said for a long time you’re happy alone. Did you mean it?”

“It is easier to be alone. You and Felicia have this perfect relationship, but most people don’t have that. Most people get dicked around.”

“Eh, we’re nowhere near perfect, and you’re aware of that because she tells you everything.” He fixed me with a knowing look, hands tucked behind his head. “I screw up weekly, and living with your best friend, the love of my life, is not always a picnic, but that’s normal. People are imperfect, so relationships will always have flaws.”

I nodded.

“Anyway,” he said, not taking my bait, “how is it easier?” He paused, raising his eyebrows expectantly, but began again when I delayed answering. “Let me take a stab—you’re worried that every guy will treat you like Davis did, and this guy—”

“Jake,” I interjected.

He nodded. “Okay, Jake will do the same, so you want to cut him off before he has the chance to hurt you. I get that, but at some point you have to trust someone, right? And,” he continued, nudging my shoulder, “yes, it sucks he told you your job might be in trouble, but you knew that already, right?”

I mumbled a reluctant confirmation.

He revved up for his next points. “And, here’s the hard truth, Nay: The thing you’re scared of is that he might end up being a dick.”

I turned my head to give him a skeptical look. “That isn’t helping—”

“I don’t know the guy, but the possibility exists that he could break your heart, betray your trust, or steal your car. He might also be a good guy. From what Felicia’s told me, he sounds like someone who could be really good for you. You won’t know until you get out of your own way, give up on this idea of perfect, and give him a chance to love you, flaws and all.”

I eyed him skeptically, unwilling to admit he was right. “Why do you think he loves me?”

He gave a wry smile. “I’m sure you’re an all-star in bed, Nay, but no guy is going to log the miles and time this guy has just to get laid. There has to be more to it.”

“Maybe,” I mumbled, since the memory of Jake’s I love you and the pang of loss were inextricably bound.

“And you love him, too. That’s clear. So, give him a chance.”

“It’s not that easy,” I protested.

“No, but it’s not that hard.” Aaron took a drink from his beer. “Just let him into your life.”

“I did let him in.”

Aaron cocked one eyebrow.

“I did!”

“Why haven’t we met him? He’s been to visit you a bunch of times, right? You don’t have that many close friends, Nay. Why haven’t you introduced us?”

He was right, of course. Jake had even asked if I’d wanted us to do something with my friends, but I’d always demurred.

“Okay, I get what you’re saying.”

“Now we’ve agreed I’m right, as I so often am, what are you going to do about it?”

I looked up at the ceiling and asked myself the same question.

To do: Figure out what the hell I want.



* * *





I mulled over my conversation with Aaron as I lay in bed later that night. I’d opened my text window twenty times to attempt a reply to Jake, but after how I’d acted, I needed to say something perfect. It had been days since he’d last messaged me, and everything I tapped out seemed insufficient. I checked flight times, wondering if a grand gesture, surprising him in North Carolina, would be better. But he traveled so often, I might show up to his doorstep only for him to be in Kansas City or Portland.