Horde (Razorland #3)(74)

“You look like you’re in pain,” Stalker said.

His face was drawn, eyes shadowed in the flickering light. The death of his teammate weighed on him, I suspected. We’d lost a lot of good men in the summer patrols as well, but it was different when you had the charge of them. Instead of a bad turn in battle, it felt like a personal failure.

“A little.” I told them both what I’d been envisioning, and Fade groaned.

“You delight in cruelty.” There was a sweetness in his teasing that I hadn’t seen in so long, like he was before, when it was just him and me against the world.

Stalker turned to Fade with a polite expression. It sat oddly on his scarred features, like a hat tailored to another head. “I’d like to speak with Deuce in private, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“It’s not up to me,” Fade answered.

Stalker nodded. “It’s not personal, if you’re worried about that. I have no intention of causing any trouble between the two of you. I just need a word.”

Part of me felt aggravated that he’d asked Fade, like he was in charge of who got to talk to me. But the rest appreciated the gesture, thereby acknowledging that Stalker understood how things stood between Fade and me. I ignored those conflicting reactions and accompanied him all the way to the door. That seemed like an excessive precaution, if he feared somebody eavesdropping. The men were all seeing to their own needs.

He took a deep breath. “There are a few things I need to say, if you’ll hear me out.”

“Go ahead.”

He folded his arms, but not in a defensive way, more like he needed a hug, and there was nobody to give him one. I didn’t move. Touch was a precious gift, and I didn’t offer it freely. The distance between us came for good reason, as he didn’t seem to be able to separate the quiet warmth of a friend as opposed to the way I reacted to Fade, who had exclusive kissing rights.


“In the gang, if I made up my mind to do something, it happened. And I started believing there was no obstacle I couldn’t overcome, nobody I couldn’t turn to my will.”

“If nobody ever gainsaid you, I understand how that could happen.” I was less sure what that had to do with me, but I trusted that he’d get to it.

“So when I met you … and I wanted you, I figured it was only a matter of time until I changed your mind. I didn’t factor your thoughts or desires into it. At first, you were more a prize to me than a person.” He took a deep breath. “I apologize for that. And when I realized you were never going to return my feelings, I didn’t take it well. I’m not a good loser.”

“Few people enjoy it,” I said dryly.

“My point being, I’d like to accept your offer of friendship, if it’s still open. I’ll talk to Fade, make it plain I don’t intend to get in his way. I get why he doesn’t like me. He has reason.”

“I’d like that.” All of it. I’d never wanted any competition between them.

“The next thing is, I need you to lock up after I leave.”

I tensed. That sounded like good-bye. “Why?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I just need to rove for a while. I can’t sleep tonight.”

I nodded, guessing the loss of a man under his command was bothering him. He probably thought if he had been faster or smarter, he could’ve saved the scout. But Longshot’s death had taught me that sometimes you couldn’t, no matter how much you wanted to, because other people made their own choices, however little you liked them. Sometimes they were brave and heroic; other times, it was just stupidity, and those losses were the hardest to bear.

“Be careful,” I said.

“I will.” Stalker unfastened the bolts and chains and strode into the dark.

Recovery

I slept poorly that night.

The conversation with Stalker plagued me. I expected to hear a tap on the door at any moment during the night, so I lay awake listening for it, but it never came. I snatched my rest in fitful bursts, but I roused with everyone else, took my turn washing up, and then I went out to see what Winterville looked like. The men followed me, something that struck me as odd, though it was what I’d wanted. In the daylight, the damage was apparent, but it seemed as if it could be readily repaired. Dr. Wilson joined us, shading his eyes as if he rarely saw sunlight. Since most of his work took place in the lab, that might be true.

“There’s a bell four blocks that way,” he said, “at the church. It’s the building with the point on top. If you ring it, the townsfolk will know it’s safe.”

I was ready to put this grim and broken town behind us, but I’d told the men we’d help with the cleanup, and despite my desire to move on, I’d keep that promise. One day spent in repair and recovery wouldn’t cost us the war.

“This way,” I said, following Wilson’s directions.

As we moved off, he went back inside. Tegan fell into step with me. “Where’s Stalker?”

“He’s taking Hammond’s death hard.”

From the ground, I could see the bell, but it required me to go inside the church. I left the bulk of my men outside, taking only Fade with me. The damage seemed especially wrong in here; the wood was scarred with countless scratches, more blood and excrement from the feral humans who had squatted here. It smelled rank, like death and rot; I covered my mouth as we moved through the shadowy interior to the stairs on the right. They were steep and skeletal, leading up to a narrow tower where the bell hung. Fade pulled the rope and the peal rang out, echoing to all corners of town.