Hopeless (Hopeless #1)(106)
“I spent the next several days attempting to find out everything I could about you and your relationship to him. I learned about what happened to your mother, and that he was raising you alone. I finally got the courage to phone in an anonymous report, hoping he would finally get what he deserved. I learned a week later that after interviewing you, the case was immediately dismissed by Child Protective Services. I’m not sure if the fact that he was the high up in law enforcement had anything to do with the dismissal, but I’m almost positive it did. Regardless, that was twice that he had gotten away with it. I couldn’t bear the thought of allowing you to stay with him, knowing what was happening to you. I’m sure there were other ways I could have handled it, but I was young and scared to death for you. I didn’t know what else to do because the law had already failed us both.
“A few days later I had made up my mind. If no one else was going to help you get away from him…
then I was. The day when I pulled up to your house I’ll never forget that broken little girl crying into her arms, sitting alone in the grass. When I called your name and you came to me, then climbed into the car with me…we drove away and I never looked back.”
Karen squeezes my hands between hers and looks at me hard. “Sky, I swear with all of my heart that all I ever wanted to do was protect you from him. I did everything I could to keep him from finding you.
To keep you from finding him. We never spoke about him again and I did my best to help you move past what happened to you so you could have a normal life. I knew that I couldn’t get away with hiding you forever. I knew there would come a day that I would have to face what I did…but none of that mattered to me. None of that matters to me still. I just wanted you safe until you were old enough, so that you would never be sent back to him.
“The day before I took you, I went to your house and no one was there. I went inside because I wanted to find some things that might comfort you once you were safe with me. Something like a favorite blanket or a teddy bear. Once I was actually inside your bedroom, I realized that anything in that house couldn’t possibly bring you comfort. If you were anything like me, everything that had a connection to him reminded you of what he had done to you. So I didn’t take anything, because I didn’t want you to remember what he had done to you.”
She stands up and quietly walks out of the room, then returns moments later with a small wooden box.
She places it into my hands. “I couldn’t leave without these. I knew that when the day came for me to tell you the truth, that you would want to know all about your mother, too. I couldn’t find much, but what I did find I kept for you.”
Tears fill my eyes as I run my fingers over the wooden box that holds the only memories of a woman I never thought I would have a chance to remember. I don’t open it. I can’t. I need to open it alone.
Karen tucks my hair behind my ear and I look back up at her. “I know what I did was wrong, but I don’t regret it. If I had to do it again just to know you would be safe, I wouldn’t think twice about it. I also know that you probably hate me for lying to you. I’m okay with that, Sky, because I love you enough for the both of us. Never feel guilty for how you feel about what I’ve done to you. I’ve had this conversation and this moment planned out for thirteen years, so I’m prepared for whatever you decide to do and whatever decision you make. I want you to do what’s best for you. I’ll call the police right now if that’s what you want me to do. I’ll be more than willing to tell them everything I just told you if it would help you find peace. If you need me to wait until your actual eighteenth birthday so you can continue to live in this house until then, I will. I’ll turn myself in the second you’re legally allowed to take care of yourself, and I’ll never question your request. But whatever you choose, Sky. Whatever you decide to do, don’t worry about me. Knowing you’re safe now is everything I could ever ask for. Whatever comes next for me is worth every second of the thirteen years I’ve had with you.” I look back down at the box and continue to cry, not having a clue as to what to do. I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong or if right is wrong in this situation. I know that I can’t answer her right now. I feel like with everything she’s just told me, all that I thought I knew about justice and fairness has just slapped me in the face.
I look back up at her and shake my head. “I don’t know,” I whisper. “I don’t know what I want to happen.” I don’t know what I want, but I know what I need. I need a chapter break.
I stand up and she remains seated, watching me as I walk to the door. I can’t look her in the eyes as I open the front door. “I need to think for a while,” I say quietly, making my way outside. As soon as the front door closes behind me, Holder’s arms wrap around me. I cradle the wooden box in one hand and wrap my other arm around his neck, burying my head into his shoulder. I cry into his shirt, not knowing how to begin processing everything I’ve just learned. “The sky,” I say. “I need to look at the sky.” He doesn’t ask any questions. He knows exactly what I’m referring to, so he grabs my hand and leads me to the car. Jack slips back inside the house as Holder and I pull out of the driveway.
Holder never asks me what Karen said while I was inside the house with her. He knows that I’ll tell him when I can, but right now in this moment, I don’t think I can. Not until I know what I want to do.