Hopeless(103)
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, looking up at him. “I shouldn’t have asked you to do that. I just needed…”
He grabs my face and presses his lips to mine, cutting me off mid-apology. “Shut up,” he says, looking into my eyes. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I didn’t leave earlier because I was mad at you. I left because I was mad at myself.”
I back out of his grasp and turn to the bed, not wanting to watch as he places even more blame on himself. “It’s okay.” I walk back to the bed and lift the covers. “I can’t expect you to want me in that way right now. It was wrong and selfish and way out of line for me to ask you to do that and I’m really sorry.” I lay down on the bed and roll away from him so he can’t see my tears. “Let’s just go to sleep, okay?”
My voice is much calmer than I expected it to be. I really don’t want him to feel bad. He’s done nothing but be here for me throughout all of this, and I’ve done nothing for him in return. The best thing I could do for him at this point is to just break it off so he doesn’t feel obligated to stand by me through this. He doesn’t owe me a thing.
“You think I’m having a hard time with this because I don’t want you?” He walks around to the side of the bed that I’m facing and he kneels down. “Sky, I’m having a hard time with this because everything that’s happened to you is breaking my f*cking heart and I have no idea how to help you. I want to be there for you and help you through this but every word that comes out of my mouth feels like the wrong one. Every time I touch you or kiss you, I’m afraid you don’t want me to. Now you’re asking me to have sex with you because you want to take that from him, and I get it. I absolutely get where you’re coming from, but it doesn’t make it easier to make love to you when you can’t even look me in the eyes. It hurts so much because you don’t deserve for it to be like this. You don’t deserve this life, baby, and there isn’t a f*cking thing I can do to make it better for you. I want to make it better but I can’t and I feel so helpless.”
He has somehow sat up on the bed and pulled me to him during all of that, but I was so caught up in his words I didn’t even notice. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me onto his lap, then wraps my legs around him. He takes my face in his hands and looks me directly in the eyes.
“And even though I stopped, I should have never even started without telling you first how much I love you. I love you so much, baby. I don’t deserve to touch you until you know for a fact that I’m touching you because I love you and for no other reason.”
He presses his lips to mine and doesn’t even give me a chance to tell him I love him in return. I love him so much it physically hurts. I’m not thinking about anything else right now but how much I love this boy and how much he loves me and how despite what’s going on in my life, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than in this moment with him.
I try to convey everything I’m feeling through my kiss, but it’s not enough. I pull away and kiss his chin, then his nose, then his forehead, then I kiss the tear that’s rolling down his cheek. “I love you, too. I don’t know what I’d do right now if I didn’t have you, Holder. I love you so much and I’m so sorry. I wanted you to be my first, and I’m sorry he took that from you.”
Holder adamantly shakes his head and shushes me with a quick kiss. “Don’t you ever say that again. Don’t you ever think that again. Your father took that first from you in an unthinkable way, but I can guarantee you that’s all he took. Because you are so strong, baby. You’re amazing and funny and smart and beautiful and so full of strength and courage. What he did to you doesn’t take away from any of the best parts of you. You survived him once and you’ll survive him again. I know you will.”
He places his palm over my heart, then pulls my hand to his chest over his own heart. He lowers his eyes to my level, ensuring I’m here with him, giving him my complete attention. “Fuck all the firsts, Sky. The only thing that matters to me with you are the forevers.”
I kiss him. Holy shit, do I kiss him. I kiss him with every ounce of emotion that’s coursing through me. He cradles my head with his hand and lowers me back to the bed, climbing on top of me. “I love you,” he says. “I’ve loved you for so long but I just couldn’t tell you. It didn’t feel right letting you love me back when I was keeping so much from you.”