Him (Him #1)(31)

So am I. In fact, many things about this information surprise me. “You’ve been recruiting him all these years?”

“Sure. All my boys who become successful college players get a call from me. Wes never said yes, though. Then I get this call…” He pauses. “Took a lot of guts, really. He says, ‘I want to coach for you this summer. But you need to know I’m gay. Nobody knows, but if it bothers you—running a camp and all—I understand.’”

A drop of sweat runs down my back. “What did you tell him?” Even though I know Pat hired him, my breath still catches for the Wes on the other end of that phone, waiting for someone to pass judgment on him.

Maybe it takes more balls to be Wes than I’d realized.

“I said that was his business, and I didn’t give a shit as long as he showed up every morning ready to coach. Later I asked him if he wanted to room with you again after all these years. He said, ‘Sure, but I gotta come out to Jamie, too. If he has an issue, you might have to trade things around.’”

An issue. I have one all right. My issue is the giant boner he gave me tonight. God, it’s a struggle not to bury my head in my hands and scream from confusion.

Weirdest night of my life. Right here. Winner!

And Coach Pat is still waiting for me to say something. “Um, I just told him I’m from Northern California.”

Pat laughs. “I see. Didn’t think you’d have a problem. You two were inseparable all those years.”

Inseparable. A while ago my tongue was inseparable from his. And it was all my doing. I mauled my best friend. His taste is still on my lips.

I need to eject from this conversation before I lose my mind. “No problem at all,” I say gruffly. “I think I gotta hit the hay, though.”

“Good night, coach.”

“Good night.”

I climb the stairs and walk down the hall toward our room. None of the doors have light leaking from underneath, but I can hear the sound of voices and male laughter as I pass by. Wes and I had been the same at their age—talking ’til all hours.

Now? I’m not sure we’re talking at all.

I make a stop in the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I catch my face in the mirror, it looks the same as it always does. Same square jaw. Same brown eyes. My skin is a little pale under the fluorescent bathroom lights. There’s nothing to see here, but like an idiot I stare a little while, looking for who knows what. A change. A sign.

What does a guy who’s not as straight as he thought look like, anyway?

“Like you, apparently.” My lips move with these words, and I’m no closer to understanding what happened.

But now I’m talking to myself. Awesome.

I can’t avoid it any longer, so I head into our room. Flipping the lights on only makes me squint, so I shut ’em off again. I strip down to my briefs and climb into bed. I’m sober now, which is a bummer. That’s not going to help me sleep. But at least I’m not shaking like a leaf anymore.

Wes is not here, but I feel his presence. And I’m just lying awake, waiting to hear his rough, cocky voice in the hallway. It’s not an exaggeration to say I’ve always felt a little more alive when he’s around. Life is just a little brighter, a little louder wherever Wes is.

But now it’s tempting to reexamine my impressions of him. I’m mostly sure I’ve always loved him as a friend and that tonight’s impulse was just a new craving born of beer, ordinary jealousy, horniness and some kind of friendly emotional overload. The perfect storm. My desire is a strange creature of the night, brought to life by a strike of lightning in exactly the right place.

Right?

Sigh.

I’m not a navel gazer. I don’t sit around inventing complex theories to explain my behavior. But tonight it’s impossible not to lie here and wonder… All those times I watched him fly down the rink with the puck under his command—was that simple admiration? All those times I watched his flashy skating with a warm feeling in my chest. Or when he’d smile at me from across the table. Was I hiding something from myself? Or was there nothing to suppress?

Fuck, does it even matter?

Desire is chemistry. And in a biochem class I took once, they taught us that all chemistry is just electricity. We’re all just bags of charged atoms walking around bumping into each other.

My electrons went seriously haywire for his tonight, though. Particles collided.

Pushing my hips into the mattress, I wish I could feel it again—the press of his body. The scrape of rough hands on my forearms.

I don’t know why I want it. I don’t know if the craving will disappear with tonight’s rain shower. But right this moment it’s here. And it’s real.

The night now feels endless. And tomorrow will be an awkward eternity.

Yay.

I can’t even begin to imagine what Wes is thinking right now. He wanted me—I felt it. But he stopped because it would ruin our friendship. This man who f*cks strangers off an app.

I’m still lying there face down in my pillow when his key finally turns in our lock. I freeze, of course. He tiptoes in. I hear the thud of his hiking boots hitting the floor, and the soft swish of clothing coming off.

My dick hardens against the mattress. I’m actually hard, and all he’s done is walk in and undress. Interesting.

His sheets rustle as he gets into bed. And then there’s silence. A minute passes, then two. I’m not sleeping, and he can probably tell. Which means we’re like two teenage girls after a catfight at a sleepover—ignoring each other.