Hell on Heels(47)

“Now you have a blue wallet,” he repeated.

I nodded. “And I can't give you or anyone else that part of me. She belongs to me.”

His eyebrows pulled together. “I'll buy you a million blue wallets, Charlie.” The span of each of his rough palms cupped the sides of my face.

Sighing, I closed my eyes. He didn’t get it. Wrapping my fingers around each of his wrists, I tugged them away and he let me.

“Whenever you get done hurting me back, Charlie, I'll still be waiting.”

Then he too was gone. I felt the chilled air replace his warmth and the heavy door to the stairwell open and close. My eyes eventually opened to the empty corridor, as I slid my back against the wall until my ass found the ground.

Digging through my purse, I found what I was looking for and laid it in my lap. Turning it over once or twice, I admired the way the white polish on my nails contrasted perfectly with the leather.

I’d bought it the day I remembered how good it felt to laugh. It was summer. I'd been walking through Stanley Park. Two boys were chasing their sister through the trees and one of them reminded me of Henry when we'd been young. They finally caught her, tickling her ruthlessly into the grass, and the sound of their laughter was contagious.

I’d laughed for the first time in years, and I mean really laughed. I’d laughed so hard my sides ached and tears trailed my cheeks.

I bet I looked crazy, and I hadn't cared.

The sky had been blue that day, just like my blue wallet.




“So tell me about Beau.” Doctor Colby asked, “What draws you to him?”

I drained the last of my venti caramel macchiato and positioned it onto the table. “It’s simple, really. I think something about him makes me feel accepted in my entirety.” She took notes as I spoke. “Beau is effortless.”

“How do you mean, effortless?” she questioned.

I twisted the lid of the empty cup. “You know how sometimes you just do something because it feels nice, it feels right, and feels like you’ve done it every day for your entire life?”

Doctor Colby nodded. “You mean similar to a habit?”

“Yes,” I agreed. “Beau is the good kind of habit. I find a serene part of my soul when we’re together, one that feels more whole.”

She frowned. “Do you feel that he is what makes you whole?”

This was a test, I knew that, but luckily the truth I knew would pass. “No.” I shook my head. “I don’t believe Beau makes me whole, but I believe that in his peace, I’ve found some of my own,” I told her.

“Inner peace is a very rewarding feeling.”

I nodded. “He just sees me, and with no explanation, he accepts that. It’s quite uncanny.”

“Do you believe now that people are capable of so much more than an expendable high, Charleston?”

Looking up from the cup, I moved my eyes over her office. “I’m trying too.”

She seemed appeased with that.

“And what about”—she glanced back a few pages in her notes—“Maverick?”

My eyes rolled and she caught it. She caught everything. “What was that for, just now?”

I sighed. “Maverick is… Well, he’s the very opposite. He’s difficult in every way.”

“Do you enjoy that?”

I drew my eyes to the framed photo on her desk. “Yes, I think so.”

“Why do you think you enjoy that?” she asked.

Crossing my legs, I then uncrossed them, my nervous therapy habit.

The answer came to me quickly, however. “It’s just in his nature. He challenges me.”

I lifted my head to look her in the eyes. “He’s so unpredictable. It’s like he forces me to grow. If I don’t adapt, he’d swallow me whole, and I guess I thought that would scare me, but it doesn’t really.”

“Why do you think it doesn’t scare you?” she inquired.

“He doesn’t treat me like I’m made of porcelain.” I thought about it. “He treats me like I can take him, like I’m just as strong as he is, and if I broke, he’d expect me to put myself back together again.”

I heard Henry’s voice in my head and I smiled. “He’s the man who should scare me the most, but he’s the one man who doesn’t scare me at all.”

Doctor Colby tilted her head to the side. “What do you mean by that?”

“I become a fearless part of me when I’m around him.” I looked at her. “No one can hurt me, not even me.”

She scribbled something down, and mumbled, “Interesting.”

I waited for her head to come back up.

“And Dean?”

My stomach knotted in the way that it always did when someone said his name.

“Dean is…” I struggled with the words. “Well, Dean is the middle, I guess.”

She waited for me to continue.

“There’s so much water under the bridge there.” I twisted my hands in my lap. “I guess at first I thought it was about closure, that somehow I’d feel differently after finding out what happened, and to a certain degree, I do… but then…” I winced. “We slept together, and that changed everything.”