Happily Letter After(44)

Wiping my nose with my arm, I sniffled. “No. I’m sorry. It’s just . . . it’s sad but it’s beautiful, Sebastian. To have had someone you love in your life even for a short time is beautiful. It’s amazing that you found forgiveness for her and rekindled that love. And she’ll always live on through Birdie.”

“I don’t know what it is about you that makes me want to open up.” He rubbed his eyes. “Let’s move on to something lighter . . . okay?”

I searched my brain for something “lighter.” “Birdie swears that Marmaduke can say ‘hi.’”

His mouth transformed into a slight smile. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. We actually recorded it. Hang on.”

Taking out my phone, I pressed “Play” on a video I’d taken displaying Marmaduke making a noise that did sound suspiciously like “Hiiiiiiiiii.”

He chuckled. “I asked to move on to something lighter, not utterly ridiculous.”

We were both cracking up now, and thank God the sadness in the air seemed to have eased up a bit.

“Can I use your restroom?” I asked.

“Of course.”

My legs felt wobbly as I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. Splashing some water on my face, I looked at myself in the mirror. The wine was starting to hit me, and the physical and emotional toll of the night was as well. My attraction to Sebastian was almost painful. I just wanted to make him forget about everything for one night, but more than that, I also wanted him to want me. I was pretty sure he was attracted to me, but I was also pretty sure he respected me. And that meant he wouldn’t look at me as a one-night conquest. The latter very well may have been all he had the mental space for right now, which meant there would likely not be any room for someone like me in his life.

When I reemerged from the bathroom, Sebastian was still sitting on the couch waiting for me. I was starting to feel like if anything were going to happen between us, I was going to have to give him a little push, test the waters. At least then, based on his reaction, I might know if I even stood a chance for something more with him. I sat down, but this time, in a brazen move, I sat down right next to him. The heat of his body was palpable. His jaw tightened as he just looked at me. His breathing became labored as he very blatantly allowed his eyes to wander down to my cleavage, then back up at my face. Unlike the other times he’d snuck glances at me, it almost seemed like he wanted me to notice. I wanted his mouth on me, but I’d made enough of a move by just sitting this close. The wine was definitely going to my head, amplifying the physical need I was experiencing.

He was looking at my lips now.

“Are you okay with my sitting close to you like this?” I asked.

He nodded, still breathing heavier than he had all night. There was no way he wasn’t affected by me. I knew that for certain now.

“I think you’re amazing, Sadie. Both inside and out,” he whispered gruffly.

I bit my lip, then continued his sentence. “But . . .”

“Don’t take this the wrong way . . . but I’m almost too attracted to you. I feel very out of control around you, like there’s the potential to get addicted. And—”

“And you’ve made the decision not to let that happen with anyone.”

“It’s what’s best for many reasons . . .”

My heart sank upon finally hearing confirmation of what I already feared.

“I just thought that maybe . . . there could be something there.”

His eyes were piercing. “There is something. I just don’t want to act on it.”

“Okay.” I looked down at his bare feet. A few moments later, I looked up at him. “What would you be doing tonight if I wasn’t here?”

“Why does that matter?”

“It doesn’t. I’m just curious.” I leaned in a little. “Don’t lie to me, either. Tell me what you really would have done.”

He nodded. “Alright.” After taking a long sip of wine, he finally said, “I was going to call a woman I knew wanted nothing more than to sleep with me. I was going to go to her place—because I don’t bring women into this house. I was going to fuck her—safely—and then leave and come back here, feeling no more fulfilled than I had before I left. Which is exactly the way I need it to be.”

His admission left me speechless for a bit.

“When was the last time you were . . . with someone?” I asked.

“It’s been a while. A couple of months, maybe.” He exhaled. “What about you?”

“Way longer than that.”

Sebastian swallowed hard. “Why?”

“Because I can’t just be with someone to fuck them. I need something more. I need a connection. I need to be able to look into their eyes and love what I see within them just as much as what’s on the outside. A mental connection is very important to me.” My feelings seemed to be bursting from me. Somehow I felt like this could have been my one opportunity to express them. I shocked myself when I said, “I’m very attracted to you . . . in every way. But I totally get why you need to compartmentalize. I get why it would be scary for you to let someone in . . . not only into your heart but into your life. I think I’d be the same way in your shoes.”

He sat there in silence as I went on.