Gone (Deadly Secrets #2)(83)
He set the shot glass on the bar. His white-knuckled fingers released their death grip on the glass, and he drew his hand back to watch the color slowly seep back into his skin. Much as the life had slowly seeped into his soul starting with the day he’d met Raegan.
His pulse picked up speed as he thought about the last few days with her, how she made him feel alive, how he didn’t want to be numb when they were together. He wanted to feel everything with her—the pleasure, even the pain, because with her the pain was never quite so bad as it was when he was alone. And staring at this glass now, he knew why. Because she believed in him. Because she supported him. Because she loved him in a way no one ever had before.
His heart felt as if it came to life in his chest, picking up speed until the rapid thump against his ribs was all he could feel. He could sit here and be like Gilbert, blame others for his agony, wallow in the guilt, lose Raegan for good, or he could make a choice. To hurt and grieve and live. Live through the highs and lows and joys and heartache of this crazy thing called life. And he could do it all with Raegan. If she hadn’t given up on him yet.
His hands shook as he climbed off the stool and pulled a twenty from his wallet.
The bartender looked up from the dishes he was scrubbing at the end of the bar. “You leaving? You didn’t even touch your drink.”
“No, I didn’t.” And he never would again. “Thanks.”
He pushed the heavy steel door open and blinked against the blinding glare of the morning sun. He hadn’t showered since yesterday. Needed to go to his house and get a clean change of clothes. But he needed Raegan more. He ached to tell her that he loved her and couldn’t live without her. Pulling his cell phone from his pocket, he dialed her number and pressed the phone against his ear with trembling fingers.
The line rang five times before flipping to voice mail. “This is Raegan Devereaux. Sorry I missed you. Leave me a message, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”
She didn’t want to talk to him. He couldn’t blame her. He hadn’t been there for her last night. But he was determined to make it up to her now.
He headed for his truck and waited until the line beeped. “Raegs, it’s me. I’m sorry I didn’t call you back earlier. I’ve been . . . processing.” Tears burned the backs of his eyes as he climbed into the cab and stared out the windshield at the dumpy tavern. Owning every ounce of the pain, he scrubbed a shaky hand through his hair. “I don’t know anything. I don’t know if that was our baby or not.” His voice grew thick, but he forced himself to go on. “I just know that I love you and need you. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
He hit “End” and shoved the truck into drive. And knew that no matter what happened now, he was never going back to the bottle again. He just prayed he hadn’t pushed Raegan so far this time that she’d closed the door on them forever.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Raegan’s heart raced as she sat in the front seat of her car with the door open and watched Alec’s name disappear from her screen.
She’d wanted to answer, was desperate to talk to him, but had been too scared to hit that button. Guilt pressed like a heavy weight on her shoulders. If she heard even the slightest slur to his voice, she knew it would wreck her, and she couldn’t be wrecked right now. Not when she was about to meet with Miriam Kasdan.
Telling herself she was doing the right thing, that she would call Alec back when she was done here, she slid the phone into the change compartment on her console so she wouldn’t be distracted by it during her meeting, climbed out of her car where she’d parked in the brick circular drive, and slipped the strap of her purse over her shoulder. After dropping her keys in her pocket, she tied her trench coat around her waist, hit the lock on her fob, and headed up the wide concrete steps of the stately Tudor mansion in the southwest hills.
When she’d called earlier and spoken with Miriam Kasdan’s secretary, the woman had said Mrs. Kasdan would be happy to provide a few follow-up answers to her interview at the station. Raegan just hoped the elderly Mrs. Kasdan hadn’t seen her photo the day the woman had done her on-screen interview.
She rang the doorbell, eyeing the mansion with a mixture of awe and disgust. The three-acre property was meticulously cared for, something straight out of the British countryside with low hedges and envy-inducing English gardens that, even in the middle of winter, looked pristine. Raegan doubted the people who lived inside were as picture perfect as the property, though. Her parents owned properties like this, and their lives were nothing but giant, chaotic, soul-crushing messes. There was more to life than image. More than accumulating objects and showing off. She’d never felt as alive as she had the day she’d moved out on her own and finally walked away from this kind of wealth.
No, that wasn’t true. She’d felt more alive. When she’d been with Alec. Even when life had been cruel and heartbreaking, she’d always felt alive with him. Through the good and the bad, through the ups and downs, through every moment of every day. And she didn’t want to lose that. She wanted it back. Wanted it all. Wanted him with all his flaws and struggles because they were as much her flaws and struggles as they were his.
Her chest tightened, and she turned for her car, desperate to call him back now instead of later. The front door of the stately mansion pulled open before she reached the first step, though. Whipping around, she stared at a young woman in a long black skirt and white blouse with blonde hair pulled back into a bun.