Gone Country (Rough Riders #14)(140)

“You’ll miss her. That’s part of the guilt. The other part is that you’re consciously choosing to do something that’ll be good for you at the expense of what might be best for your child. I’m pretty sure that’s a brand new feeling for you.”


“I don’t know if I can live with either decision.”


“Oh, I know how that feels, trust me.”


Gavin took a breath to ask the question Vi had been expecting for a long time. “Do you regret your decision to give me up for adoption?”


“Every single day of my life. Would I do things differently?” Vi looked right into his eyes. “No.”


That answer didn’t sting as much as he thought it would. “Why?”


“Because I would’ve been a terrible mother at that time in my life. As much as I ached that you were gone, I would’ve resented you if you’d been there.” Vi reached for his hand. “Can you imagine Sierra with a baby right now?”


He’d tried to look at it from that angle and the image never jelled. He shook his head.


“As irresponsible as you think Sierra acts sometimes? Multiply that by ten and you’ll get me—Violet Louise Bennett—at that age. A na?ve rebel. Sneaking out at night, gloating I was oh-so-mature having sex with an older guy like Charlie McKay. Then the next morning after my secret rendezvous? My mother had my breakfast on the table. My lunch packed for school. She’d probably ironed my clothes. I was a child. I had no idea how to be a mother because I didn’t see my mother. She was there to do things for me. So I’ll admit, it was selfish of me to give you up. But at that time in my life? I didn’t know any other way to be.”


An almost thoughtful silence lingered between them.


“So you don’t blame your father?” Gavin asked.


“There is that…side of the issue. Yes, my father made the decision to send me to the unwed mother’s home. He knew once I was living with other girls in my condition, I’d follow the herd mentality. And I did. But that just strengthens my point. I didn’t have a backbone to stand up for myself, let alone stand up for a child I’d be responsible for, for the next eighteen or so years.”


Gavin blew out a breath. “I’ll admit I thought of you the day Sierra was born. Not in a good way. I wondered what type of woman could look at a baby and say, take it away, I don’t want it.”


“I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t know if I can ever explain my mindset at that time to your satisfaction, Gavin. Adopted kids, no matter how happy their childhoods with their adoptive parents, are resentful on some level. I talked to a counselor about that when I needed an unbiased opinion on how to handle you either being in our lives or not being in our lives.”


“You saw a counselor?”


“Yes. This hasn’t been easy on me, or on your father. Let me ask you a hypothetical question. If you would’ve tracked me down and discovered I’d married another man, and had children with him, would you feel differently? Instead of knowing I went back to your father and had three other sons with him?”


“Probably. Because I’m odd man out in any family situation.”


“Maybe it feels like that to you, but it doesn’t to the rest of us. Especially not to me. I finally feel like my family is complete.”


Gavin processed that. His family had accepted him with open arms and hearts. He liked them and his life was better for all of them being part of it. He didn’t want to give that up either.


“I know you’re wondering how this situation with Sierra popped up from out of nowhere. I think I can shed some light on that.”


“Really? Did she call you?”


“No, I talked to Carolyn today and she mentioned that Boone West just up and joined the army. He left for basic training yesterday.”


“Shit.” Gavin briefly closed his eyes. “Now it makes sense. She met Boone the night before last. The next morning she was packed and ready to go.”


“Boone must’ve told her that night he was leaving.”


“But why would she throw her life into upheaval over some boy?” Why wouldn’t she tell me?


Vi patted his leg. “Gavin. Sweetie. You aren’t that clueless. Think about what you just said.”


He frowned. “But she and Boone weren’t even dating.”


“That doesn’t mean Sierra didn’t feel something for him. Something big. Something that crushed her entire world when he took it away.”


“Like…love? For Christsake. She’s sixteen years old! How can she possibly know what real and lasting love is at that age?”


Vi remained quiet and a little stoic.


Gavin knew he’d stepped in it. “I’m sorry. I don’t get it. I never had that feeling until Rielle.”


“You didn’t feel that way about Ellen when you first met her?”


“I don’t remember. What happened after we got married tainted any good memories I had of her or us.” Gavin let out a slow breath. “Can you please explain this to me?”