Funny Feelings (57)

The minutes pass in a flash that flows, and I continue to surf along the rising and falling waves. It’s like everything that’s been stored in all the corners of my brain finally shows up, and everything sticks the landing. It’s all good, it’s exactly how I wanted it to be.

I never say Meyer’s name, but I know they all know who he is. Which is what makes it work extra well when I start making the jokes centered around him.

“It’s almost disgusting, really, how great he is. He’s so out of my league, you guys. He’s hot, and he’s funny… Ugh, I know right? I hate me too.” I pop a hip and smile demurely. “And he’s older. So he just gets it, you know? He’s so together, so scheduled and organized and sure of himself. Sometimes he’ll do something and I just—” I make a fawning noise, start rocking side to side and hum-sing Salt N Pepa’s Whattaman, before I bring a hand out again to count on my fingers. “He’s always got Tums or Advil on him.” One. “He never wants to stay out too late.” Two. “He goes to therapy.” ThreeFourFiveSixSevenEightInfinity… I put the mic between my thighs so I can count on all my fingers, then pause long enough to let the energy settle, let the appreciation sink in before I flip the script.

“Now, I want you to think about everything I’ve just said, and apply it to a woman.” The laughs start to rumble again. “Yeah, not quite the same impact, is there? ‘She’s so together, scheduled, organized, sure of herself’… Makes her sound like she’s not all that much fun, huh? ‘She’s older.’ Don’t lie, your brain went ‘Ew.’ ‘She’s always got Tums and Advil on her, never wants to stay out too late, goes to therapy’— Jesus, what is wrong with this bitch?” Laughter rises to a rolling boil.

I indulge myself in a laugh with them to close that section out. “I mean, it really makes you think, doesn’t it? It made me think, at least. I actually got invited out with a group of women who were all on the PTA once, and let me tell you, I learned some shit that night, too. I learned that the pressure and the double standards placed on us have not really changed, not where they’ve been ingrained into us, truly. And consequently, the way that those women cut loose was closer to a horror movie than some funny, silly romcom. That night escalated to something dark and sinister, quickly, and I have a few theories as to why…”



At some point later in the set, I branch off because I use the term “sure as shit” which prompts me to veer into a discussion on how bowel movements are anything but a sure thing for me. “If I travel, change my coffee brand, look at my phone a second too long in the morning, or if a butterfly flaps its wings on the other side of the world, it will affect my digestive system.”

I steer things back on track at some point, bringing it back to what it’s like to be constantly aware of how we are perceived, constantly asking questions of ourselves that would never even occur to men.

It splinters a bit more than my normal stuff, has a sting to it. But it comes together as I take apart arguments and thoughts, piecing them back together in new collages.

For once, when I find Meyer as soon as I exit the stage, it’s not his frown that ropes me in. It’s a lopsided smile with the little shake of his head. And it doesn’t occur to me to be self-conscious in that moment, either. I hop into his arms, lay an obnoxious, smacking kiss on his lips, and say “Tell me someone got some of that on video so I can memorize it!”

“Yes, camera was set up for the entire thing,” he laughs.

“I think our new warm up routine stays, too.”

“I think I’ll allow it,” he replies, sealing the deal with one more kiss.





25





NOW





MEYER


Me: Do you think my daughter hates me?

Fee: When you picked her up in JNCO’s and the sideways flex fit, yes, 100% she hated you.

Me: That was YOUR idea.

Fee: Please don’t ever tell her. I’ve never seen that shade of red on a human before. The chain wallet was your touch, I’ll remind you.

Fee: Why do you ask?





I pull my phone up and send her a picture of the movie. I’ve kept it on mute since I actively try to avoid watching the first five minutes.

Fee: Lolololololol Fly Away Home again?! You have it on mute right now don’t you?

Me:…

Me: She LIKES to make me cry with the fucking song I swear. I get that the geese are cute but it feels like she just wants to torture me at this point.

Fee: Lol. You know that’s not really it, right?

Me: ?

Fee: Meyer…

Me: ???

Fee: Jeez.. Even you are clueless, I swear…

Fee: Fly Away Home is about a little girl who loses her mother. She then goes on to live with her Dad, who struggles to connect with her. She’s angry and lonely and feels isolated. They start to establish trust when her Dad lets her keep the geese and supports her caring for them. He builds her her own plane so she can fly with them, My… It’s a movie about a Dad who goes above and beyond to support his girl’s dreams, even when it’s dangerous/crazy and makes no sense to anyone else.

Me: Oh…

Me: You don’t think she thinks we’re struggling to connect though, right?