Funny Feelings (50)

I’m so angry at myself for letting those thoughts take over, so shaken up at the mental whipping for which only I am to blame, that it takes me a minute to register the hand on my wrist.

When I look down to Hazel’s face, and spot Meyer following behind, I collapse onto my knees and hug her. My people. My girl, whether or not I get my wish where Meyer is concerned.

I pull away, crying. Hazel’s frightened face is comical. “Fee, I saw you two days ago.”

“I know. I was listening to sad stuff again.” Not exactly a lie. “What are you guys doing here?” I swipe at my eyes, shift my gaze over to Meyer, his expression agitated. I wonder if he wants to go to me even half as badly as I want to go to him.

He braces his stance and starts signing rapidly. “I fell asleep when I got home and forgot to plug in my phone. Alarm never went off, then, and when I woke up it was time to grab Hazel, since I gave Marissa a couple days off. So I flew out the door to get her and then I—” he corrects himself when Hazel smacks him “we wanted to pick you up. I didn’t have time to get back to the house for my phone and get here to grab you.” Then, out loud, “I hope this is okay? Is it too much? I’m not smothering you am I?” He scratches the back of his neck and an impossibly large bicep rolls.

I swallow the lump in my throat, laugh a short, hysterical little sound, but manage to shake my head. “Not too much. Believe me, I am too much.” He looks a bit confused, but accepts it for the time being.

“Do you want to get pizza with us?” he asks, then.

Hazel slap his leg. “I can’t read lips!”

“Do you want to get pizza with us?” he signs, correcting himself again.

“He says he’ll take us to the place with the dance game.” Hazel adds, as if I needed to be pitched.

“Only if you get him to do it.”

“Deal,” he agrees with a smile.



And that’s what it takes to get my mind calm—albeit not quite fully right. To make me feel warm and soft with gratitude. It takes terrible arcade pizza and the sight of Meyer’s too-big body trying to keep time with the rapid dance moves on the game, both of their faces scrunched in laughter among the neon lights. And it’s not just because we found the laugh, either. It’s because their love holds me up.

I recognize that Dr. Deb and I need to continue patching up my mental umbrella, so that love and confidence comes from within, so that I can protect myself from the thoughts that want to surge and drown me.

But these are my puddle people, the ones who will go splash around with me, when I can’t.



When he takes me home after, I know I need to talk to him about my mental tailspin. The anxiety battles with just wanting to be, though. Just wanting to move on to this next good part, whatever that may be. But, he can feel my hesitation, I know he can. I catch a furrowed, concerned look lingering on his face and I know he’s onto me. How I’m on the verge of saying something but can’t seem to spit it out. He walks me to my door, as Hazel sleeps soundly in the car.

When we step around the corner to my little alcove, I feel the unease creep into every muscle fiber in my body. I feel him looking at me, but I stare at my toes, an utter coward.

“Fee,” he sighs. “What’s going on? What is it? Why were you crying earlier?”

“Meyer.” I finally look up at him and the sight of his face, in its chiseled and rumpled perfection, the wrinkle between his eyebrows that never smoothes away anymore, even when he’s relaxed. It’s my own private billboard that states:You’re safe.

So, I decide to try my best to be open again, to remember to trust my friend and myself. “I self-induced a meltdown earlier. About us. About this. I know... I know you came back to the hotel, and I know that you said wanted me, too. But then I had myself completely convinced when I couldn’t get a hold of you that you regretted it, that you were going to pull back. I mean, I went down a truly crazy spiral there, it was not sane… and, I’m not trying to fish here, but I reminded myself the entire plane ride home how impossible it is that you could want me as much as I want you.”

He inhales sharply, brows nearly touching before smoothing into a smile. If it was an art piece it would be called: Tentative Relief. “Fee, I only didn’t push a bigger conversation yesterday because I didn’t want to distract or take away more from this time for you. I didn’t want you to be tempted to miss out on any time with Kara or Shauna, either. And then we were literally out of time, last night and again this morning. Honestly, when you seemed fine afterwards it made me think that you weren’t as… affected as I am. I think the only reason I didn’t have a similar spiral is because I didn’t have the same amount of lucid time to let myself after the whole phone mishap.” A hollow laugh fans out of him. “My time between getting Haze and driving to the airport was enough, though.” He inhales when he registers my returning smile. “But now I gotta know—what would make you say that? About me wanting you as much as you want me? How could you think that, now?” He runs a knuckle down my cheek and I lean into it.

“Because, Meyer,” I groan. Because it’s embarrassing and I feel insane and hate putting my insecurities on blast almost as much as I hate having them.

“I’m genuinely confused, Fee. I need you to help me out here.”