Full Tilt (Full Tilt #1)(101)

Theo emerged, looking bewildered. He gave me a strange look I couldn’t define, then said, “He’s asking for you.”

Jonah lay on the hospital bed, reclined as he had in his chair in his apartment. A nasal cannula ran beneath his nose, delivering oxygen, but his breathing was erratic. He took little sips of air, his chest jerking instead of rising and falling. His dark eyes were stark against his pale face. His thick silken hair now thin and brittle. Tubes and wires ran into his right arm, held there with white tape. The dialysis machine churned continuously from beside the bed. Another monitored his heart. I didn’t understand the blood pressure numbers but the jumping, electric tick of his pulse monitor sounded fast and agitated in my ears.

“You sent for me?” I said, as I sank into the chair next to the bed. I leaned my elbows on the mattress and took his hand in mine.

“I’m extracting promises,” he said, between short, shallow breaths. “No one…can refuse a guy…in my position.”

I tried to find a clever comeback but I had none. Only the howling wish he was in any other position than this one.

“Do you want anything?” I asked. “Anything at all.”

“No, Kace. Just you. Here with me.”

I nodded. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

He smiled with a weak twitch of his lips. “And that promise.”

“What is it?”

“Promise me,” Jonah said. His voice was weak and soft, but a desperate intensity wreathed his gaze.

“What, baby…”

“Love again.”

I stared a moment, then shook my head.

He fought to get a breath in. “There’s more to you than us, Kace. Please…don’t hold yourself back. You have too much to give. So much love, Kacey…So much.”

My chest tightened. “I can’t even think about it right now, Jonah…”

“In time,” he said. “Promise me. If you find someone…”

“Never.”

His fingers wove with mine. “No. You will. Love him. Love him with everything. Like you loved me. Love him more.” His eyes closed. “I’m so happy, Kace. Never like this in my life. It’s…a gift. You know?”

I ran the backs of my fingers along his face. “I know.”

His eyes opened slowly. “Make someone else…as happy as I am right now. Okay? Promise.”

I wanted to shake my head and tell him I couldn’t do it. Could never do it. I would never again feel for anyone what I felt for him.

“I love you, Kace,” he said in between shallow little hiccups of air. “I love you so much. Promise…”

“I love you, Jonah. And… Okay. Yes. I promise.” Tears spilled over my cheeks as I nodded. “I promise.”

His eyes closed again. His body settled back into the pillows and his next inhale seemed smooth, the exhale relieved. The corners of his mouth lifted, then stretched further. He smiled. He was beautiful then. Peaceful. Serene.

“I need to tell you something,” I said. “I know you’re tired. Just rest and listen.”

Still smiling, he nodded. “Still here.”

“I love you,” I said. “You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. I wouldn’t give back one second of our time together. Not one.”

“Kace…” he breathed. His hand in mine shook, trying to rise. I brought it up for him and pressed my cheek into his palm. His fingertips rubbed slowly in my hair.

“My heart’s breaking,” I said. “And I’m so happy. You make me so happy. Your love’s made me strong. You’ve made me a better person…” Sobs like little knives in my throat, words trying to dodge around them. “Being loved by you, Jonah…it’s the greatest honor of my life.”

He gazed at me, the tears spilling down his pale face. “God, you… So beautiful,” he whispered. “So beautiful. Don’t want to stop looking at you…but…tired.”

“Sleep,” I said, drawing the edge of the sheet up. “I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll be here the whole time.”

I bent over him, kissed his lips gently, and held his face in my hands. “I love you.”

“I love you, Kace. Love you…” His eyes closed, and within a minute, he slept.

I rested my aching head on the bed beside him, exhausted beyond anything I had ever known. Wrung out and empty of everything. No joy, no pain, no hope and no regret.

I’d left no word unspoken.

My head by Jonah’s hip, I sank into sleep, where I dreamed I was floating in a sea of glass. Suspended and weightless, beauty surrounding me in ribbons of color and swirls of light. Quiet. Peaceful.

Happy.





Kacey…

No regret.

Only love.

Only you.

I could see a receding shore beneath a sky full of stars. Millions upon millions of stars. Millions upon millions of moments. All of them with her name.

I loved her more than I had ever loved anyone and was loved in return. The knowledge was safe in me, locked in my heart, and when I stopped fighting it and let my eyes fall closed…

I couldn’t see the shore anymore but I knew it was there.

A wind whispered, like a breath. My final breath.