Fueled(book two)(61)

Colton places a soft kiss on the top of my head. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I almost laugh at his words. They sound so hypocritical coming from someone who never talks about his past. A few tears escape, falling onto his chest, and I quickly wipe them away. “I’m sorry,” I apologize. I can’t look at him. “I’m sure after last night, the last thing you want to deal with is a blubbering idiot.”

He lifts his arm and runs his hand through his hair, sighing out loud. “I’m not good at this kind of thing, Rylee. Shit, I don’t know what to do or say here…”

I can sense his discomfort at a woman falling apart in his arms. He hates drama. I know. I stroke my hand down his chest. “You don’t have to do anything. You being here, sticking up for me with Claire...” I breathe out “...that’s enough.”

“How come you didn’t tell me?” I can hear a trace of hurt in his voice, and it surprises me.

And I know he is referring to the baby. My baby. The part of me that forever died that day. The place that will forever be empty inside of me.

“It’s not like you’re exactly forthcoming about your baggage,” I offer, the words hanging between us in silence. “You’re so adamant about no children, I didn’t think it was important for you to know. I didn’t think you’d care.”

I can feel him draw in a breath. “Christ, Rylee.” His voice strains, his hand fisting against my back. “Do you think that little of me? Just because kids are a deal breaker for me doesn’t mean that I’m not sympathetic to your situation. To your loss.”

I turn my head to prop my chin on my hand. I keep my eyes averted from his though by following my finger as it traces the lines of his tattoo that spans a portion of his rib cage. “I was…” I stop, trying to map out my memories. “I was shocked the day I found out I was pregnant. I mean I’d just graduated college. I was very black and white back then. I had a plan. First college, then marriage, and then a family,” I smile softly.

“But you know what they say about best laid plans.” I sigh shakily. “I was so scared of what Max’s reaction was going to be. And when I told him, he looked at me in awe. I can still see him in my mind. He admitted he was scared but told me that it didn’t matter because it was going to be okay. And I wondered how he could be so sure when everything was going to change so drastically.”

I’m silent for a moment, my memories flashing through my mind like a slide show. I turn and shift my head to look at Colton as a tear slips silently from the corner of my eye. “She,” I say on a shaky breath, “the baby was a girl.” He nods his head at me and reaches out to wipe away the tear. “I was still scared and panicked at the thought of having a baby, but then I felt her kick.” I stop, my chest tightening as I remember the feeling that I’ll never experience again. “And I immediately fell in love with her. All of my reluctance faded.” I clear my throat as Colton sits patiently, eyes locked on mine. “I was seven and half months along when we had the accident. I knew that first night she didn’t make it, but I refused to acknowledge it. I was bleeding profusely and the cramping was…it was out of this world painful. I willed her to move. To kick me just once.”

A shudder runs through me, those silent bargains I had made to God that night flickering through my head. “On some level, I knew the hope that she might still be alive is what kept me fighting to live.”

“I’m so sorry, Rylee,” he whispers.

“It took so long to be rescued that I got an infection from the bacteria. From what doctors saw, the damage was extensive enough that it essentially ruined my ability to get pregnant.” I clear my throat before continuing. “Max’s mom, Claire, blames me for everything.”