From Sand and Ash(24)

“You’ve climbed the hills? I haven’t even climbed any hills,” Eva teased.

“You doubt me?” Angelo smiled and tapped his prosthetic leg with his cane.

“No.” She smiled too. “I think you were born with half a leg so the rest of us could keep up.”

“Ah, Eva. Spoken like a true sister.”

“I’m not your sister, Angelo,” she said softly, and he didn’t argue. Funny how they both employed or rejected the familial relationship when it suited their own purposes. But he needed to confess something, and he couldn’t wait any longer.

“Eva?”

“Yes?” There was fear in her voice.

“Do you remember a year ago, in the Jewish cemetery, when you told me that Camillo worried that I had been pushed into the seminary, coerced a little?”

Eva nodded.

“I didn’t want to admit it then. I was afraid if I admitted it, you wouldn’t let it go. But your father was right.”

Eva’s eyebrows shot up at the admission, but he continued lightly, determined to get it all out.

“Before he left me here, my father told me what was expected of me. He told me my uncle had made inquiries and recommendations, and that I would be entering the seminary. He reassured me I would be cared for and taught. He told me that because of my leg, physical work, the kind he did, wouldn’t be an option for me, and the church was the best place for me. ‘It will be hard for you to provide for a family, Angelo. Your duty is to be able to provide for yourself and not be a burden to others,’” Angelo quoted softly.

“He said that?” Eva’s cheeks pinked, and her hands clenched in outrage.

“He did,” he said, nodding. “Forgive him, Eva. I have.”

“You could have been anything you wanted to be, Angelo. You still can.”

“Ah, there she is again. The girl who thinks I can walk on water.”

“I’m Jewish, Angelo. I don’t think anyone can walk on water.”

He shook his head at her irreverent humor and smiled in spite of himself.

“When I’m here, I feel like I can simply immerse myself in space. All my life I have been physically imbalanced because of my leg, but in here, everything makes sense. Everything is simple. My mind and body are in harmony. There is balance.”

“But you can’t live here,” she said. Angelo thought her intention was probably to tease, but her voice sounded plaintive.

“No. I can’t. But I can do my best to carry that peace inside of me, that sense of purpose. I didn’t want to be a priest in the beginning, Eva. But I have come to believe it is what God wants for me. I started to believe it the day I saw Saint George. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but I have to defeat my own dragons. We all do. This is the way I will defeat mine.”

Eva’s face was pale, and Angelo could see her pulse hammering at her throat. His own pulse pounded in his head, and he felt a bead of sweat trickle down his spine under the shirt he wore beneath his seminarian’s robes.

“The art I’ve shown you today is old, ancient. But the art centers on one thing. It is the story of Christianity. And that gospel is a living, breathing thing, still inspiring and moving men and women today. It is the thing that separates us from chaos, from selfishness, from being lost. It is the breather of hope and the light in the dark. It has always been enough for me, more than enough. I fell in love with the Catholic Church through the art, then I was asked to give my life to her. It was easy for me, don’t you see? When you love someone that completely, you will do anything for them. I feel that way about the church and about God.” He hesitated briefly and then, with a deep breath, said, “And I feel that way about you.”

Eva’s eyes snapped to Angelo’s, and he saw a flash of joy in their deep brown depths before it flickered out with the realization that there was more. He wasn’t finished.

“I would do anything for you, Eva. Anything.” He thought of what Camillo had said about not only blessing lives, but saving Jewish lives, and it gave him the strength to continue. “But I can’t have you and the church. I need the church, Eva. I need the church, and I believe the church needs me.”

She didn’t respond. Not at all. Not a glance or a sigh. Not a word.

“Eva?” The question was soft. But he knew. He could feel it between them, dark, thick, slippery. Dangerous.

She turned and raised her eyes to his.

His breath caught in his throat as he rose stiffly from the stone bench and stepped away. He had to step away from her.

Dear God. What had he done?

She didn’t just love him. She was in love with him. And he was unable to give himself to her. The truth he’d been skirting rose in his chest like spilled oil—dark, thick, slippery. Dangerous.

He took several steps away, turned, and walked back. She rose to meet him. Her eyes shone and her lips trembled.

Kyrie, eléison. Lord have mercy. Christe, eléison. Christ have mercy.

“I can’t,” he whispered.

“You can,” she whispered back, almost pleading, abandoning all pretense. For a minute he let the possibility pull at him again. Could he? He shut his eyes and tried to imagine walking away from the church. His father’s words echoed in his head. You belong in the church. It is the best place for you. Your job is to not be a burden. He pushed the words away, but Camillo’s voice rose up as well, and the chorus was deafening. You will be in a position to do so much good. Save my family! And finally, Monsignor Luciano’s parting salvo. It is not who you are, Angelo.