Found in You(115)

“Jealous, manipulative, deceitful.” She ticked them off on her fingers, one horrible adjective per digit.

Hearing the words on her lips made my gut clench. “He’s really not like that. You’re making him sound worse than he is.” Reducing Hudson to such vile behavior was wrong. He was so much more.

“I’m not making him sound like anything. Those are attributes you used to use to describe yourself in therapy.” Lauren cocked her head. “Why do you think you were that way?”

A wave of memories cloaked me, things I’d rather not remember about myself, emotions I’d felt, motives for my behaviors. I always hated wading through the remembering to get to the learning. It made me nauseous and light-headed.

I closed my eyes to ground myself. “Because I felt unloved. Because I was desperate to get the guy I wanted. Because I didn’t think there was any other way to get noticed.”

“Do you think those might be the same reasons Hudson’s done what he’s done?”

I opened my eyes. His words from earlier replayed in my head. I’m merely staying committed to my plan—to you, Alayna. Everything I’ve done has been to protect our relationship and our future.

I had no doubt that he’d meant it. That he honestly believed he was doing what was best for us. It wasn’t the right action, but his intent was decent. Moving, in fact. Was that a good enough excuse for what he’d done?

Lauren read my thoughts. “Look, I’m not validating his behavior. Or yours. It sounds like you both have a lot of work to do before you know how to function together. I’m simply giving you some perspective. It seems you’ve been able to connect with each other because you both come from similar places. Maybe you should use that experience to understand where he’s coming from. It’s a start, anyway.”

My lips drew into a frown. “So what—do I just forgive him?”

“No. You could walk away.” She said it so easily, as if the task would be no big deal.

Leaving Hudson—I couldn’t even entertain the idea. It would destroy me.

Lauren studied me. “You probably should walk away. But I’m sensing that’s not in your plans.”

“No, I don’t want to leave him. And it kills me that right now he probably thinks I’m doing exactly that.”

She smiled. “Then there’s going to have to be forgiveness. It doesn’t have to be unconditional, though. Tell him you understand him. Thank him for his good intentions. Then explain to him what will happen if he does anything like that again.”

“That doesn’t sound too horrible.” Actually, it sounded like heaven compared to losing him altogether.

“Understand, though, that you’ll have to be able to back up anything you say. If you say you’ll leave him if he does it again, then you need to leave him.”

“I don’t want to think about that.”

She winked at me. “I’m sure you don’t. Also, he could put conditions on you. If he finds out you’re keeping more secrets, for example. He could walk.”

“Guess I better come clean on everything to him before any conditions are delivered.” I had to tell him I’d been meeting with Celia behind his back. Honestly, it was the lightest of the secrets I had carried and I had little doubt that he’d forgive me for it. Still, the air needed to be cleared completely.

Lauren’s brows rose. “You have more you aren’t telling him?”

“I know, I know. Don’t look at me like that.” I rolled my eyes, knowing how bad my situation looked. “You think we’re both fifty shades of f*cked up, don’t you?”