Forgiving Nancy (Last Hangman MC, #5)(95)
Jason
March 23, 2015
I lost my wife a month ago to the hands of a f*cking scumbag excuse of a human being. No, he doesn’t even deserve to be called a human being. He’s the shit of the earth.
My life has been f*cking hell since that day. Well, that’s not entirely true. My life has been hell since I was four years old and it’s only gotten worse. It got a lot worse. Going through another loss isn’t something I had anticipated this early in life.
I was going through the motions, numb to everything but hate and disgust. I had loved once and it left me scarred for life. I didn’t want to put myself in that position again, but I did care for her. I didn’t love her, but I cared enough for her death to turn my world upside down.
Between mourning for Jenny and work, I haven’t had a single second for myself. I buried myself in my work, hoping it would take away the pent up rage that’s been building inside me and the image of her dead body, but no, if anything, it’s only made it worse. When I’m all alone in bed at night, that’s when the real nightmare begins. Every single demon from my past comes back to haunt me. All those emotions I had buried deep down claw their way to the surface and I don’t know how to get past any of this, how to escape.
Nothing makes me feel alive anymore, well nothing except for one person who still manages to lift my spirits. I don’t know how it happened, but it did and I’m both grateful for it and hate it. She is my one weakness but nothing will ever happen with her. It’s not the memory of Jenny that is stopping me, which makes me sound like a total f*cking *, but the fact that she’s the sister of one of the Last Hangman. She’s off limits, but I just can’t seem to stop myself from gravitating towards her. Our story is unusual. We met in the worst circumstances and I wish we met under other circumstances, but the reality is, we were doomed from the beginning yet, we seem to need each other. She’s my saving grace.
Gabe knows me and knows I would never hurt her, but he’s not exactly the understanding type when it comes to his baby sister. The fact that I’m a cop and he’s part of a notorious motorcycle club is the cause of a lot of problems already. To be honest, I don’t know if she even does want me, she could be helping me out of survivor’s guilt. I’m a damaged widower who doesn’t deserve someone like her, not after the darkness I’ve created. She is the light to my darkness and I’m afraid my darkness would eat her alive. She deserves someone who’d be able to love her and treat her properly. I know I’m the polar opposite of the type of man she deserves, but she’s all I’ve been thinking about for these past few years, I’m aware that makes me a total * because of my marriage, but I can’t help the way I feel. Things aren’t always what they seem.
Everybody thinks I’ve had it easy all my life but they’re all so f*cking wrong. My past would make these bikers look like saints. I can’t bring myself to confess all the shit I have done, all the things I had to do to survive and then, because I started to enjoy doing it. They would never believe a detective would be capable of all that shit. What the Last Hangman don’t know, is that there’s a good reason why I played my part so well when taking down the Kings and where all my intel I was coming form.
My entire life has been a f*cking lie and it’s time for the truth to come out. Nothing will ever be the same once they learn who I really am. I’m their worst nightmare and their saving grace all wrapped into one. I’m the missing piece to the equation. I’ve been lurking in the shadow for years and now, it’s time to come out and play.
Something far more evil than me is coming and it’s going to destroy everything. I’ll have to tell them to truth sooner rather than later, they need to be prepared for the shit storm that’s heading our way. The worst part is that the bastards are coming because of me, because of my actions, because I surrounded myself with the wrong people, not out of choice but necessity. It was a life and death decision and I decided to live. Sometimes I wonder how different things would have been had I not been a part of all of this shit.
January 10, 2015
Today has not been my day.
I had yet another fight with Jenny this morning about me working alongside the Last Hangman. She doesn’t understand why I have to do it but I can’t give her any details, the less she knows, the better. I’m afraid what her reaction will be when she learns that I’ve grown close to them. They are slowly becoming the closest thing I have to a family. Jenny should be my family, but she feels more like a roommate than my wife. Hell, I feel more at home at the compound than here.
Jenny doesn’t know what I’ve been through, only what little I’ve told her. She deserves to know the whole truth, but I can’t bring myself to tell her, I don’t want to subject her to all the deranged things I’ve had to do and continue to do for her safety. I might not love her anymore, but I don’t want anything to happen to her, she’s innocent in all of this and some people with bad intentions could use her for revenge. It’s happened in the past and it is happening again now. It nearly broke our marriage the first time and if it happens again, it’ll be for good this time. As unhappy as I am in this relationship, this is the only way I can keep her safe.
I park in front of our house. Our nice house in a nice neighborhood where nothing bad ever happens, where she deserves to live with someone who makes her happy, not someone who causes her nothing but sadness. She should have someone who would be able to give her all that her heart desires and not leave her living in fear every time he leaves the house.