Folk Around and Find Out (Good Folk: Modern Folktales #2)(81)
“Then why don’t you two date? Didn’t he say in the car that he wanted that?”
“I can’t do that either. First of all, how can I trust him? He stood me up for prom and that was devastating. It might be the scars of crushed teenage dreams, but I have to think part of me will always be waiting for him to stand me up again. And that’s not fair to him.”
“Charlotte, I know it made a big impression on you, but you need to let that go. Or if you can’t, talk to him about—”
“You’re right, I know you’re right. He’s changed, he’s matured, he’s different. I can let it go and trust him, I know I can. Except, I can’t date anyone. It wouldn’t be fair.”
She also stood but stuck close to her chair. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t it be fair?”
“I honestly don't have time. I’m booked out until November at this point with kid obligations and events, playdates, recitals, sports, ballet, just everything. Anyone I dated would be prioritized after my children. They’d be number five in my life. How could I start a relationship with that between us?”
“But you dated Jackson.”
“Yeah, and it was a disaster. Three or four dates in six months. I always cancelled last minute. One of the kids would get sick, or there would be an emergency, or my mom would cancel and I’d have no sitter. We kissed maybe five times and there was absolutely no chemistry. In retrospect, it’s obvious he wasn't actually interested in me sexually at all.”
“That’s definitely not the case with Hank.”
“True,” I conceded, leaning against the windowsill. His unveiled interested been a big boost to the old ego, but an ego-boost was the least of the reasons I was interested in him.
Hannah was right about Hank; he was a conundrum. He made no sense, and I’d always loved that about him. He was an individual, weird, surprising, and smart, ethical but on his terms. He truly thought about right and wrong and lived his life by a code that made complete logical sense. It didn’t jive with what society deemed respectable, but it made sense to me.
And yeah, he was incredibly, devastatingly, irrepressibly sexy to me.
Hannah scratched the back of her neck. “Do you want my advice? Or do you want me to simply listen?”
“I could really use some advice.”
“Then, I mean, why don't you try it?”
“Try dating Hank?”
“Sure. From what you said, he seems gung-ho about the idea and is super into you. What could be the harm in trying?”
I was of two minds on the subject and I voiced my concerns first. “Like I said, he’d be fifth. I’d never be able to put him first.”
“But he offered to be your personal sexual servant—no slut-shaming intended, but it’s true. He literally offered to make himself available to service you, no pressure, no commitments. That’s an offer to put himself dead last. Fifth is a big step up from last.”
Nodding, I chewed on my lip, still uncertain. My lip was now almost raw from all the chewing.
“Are you worried about what people will say?” she asked suddenly.
I frowned. “What? No. Of course not.”
“Even if dating Hank hurts your reputation?”
“How much worse can my reputation get? I’m the town pity-project, as my mother loves to remind me all the time. I’m on the bless your heart bingo card.”
“Fair enough.” Frowning at me for a beat, Hannah claimed the chair I’d been in earlier and rolled it toward the desk. “I think you should take some time to think about it—at least consider dating him—and we should get started. You have to leave in a few hours, right?”
“Yes. Right. I asked my mom when I saw her in town to schedule a taxi for 7:00 PM since I didn’t drive in. We should get started.” Pushing away from the window, I sat in the other chair and endeavored to focus on the task at hand. “The login for the laptop is on the corkboard, but I recommend you talk to Hank about installing vault software for passwords.”
When she didn’t move to open the laptop, I glanced at her. Hannah’s pretty eyes were focused on my face, and her expression told me she was engaging in a serious internal debate.
“What? What is it?”
Huffing, her forehead creased with a deep frown. “Let me just say this, just this last thing, then I’ll let the matter drop.” Hannah opened the laptop and I got the sense she didn’t want to look at me as she shared her next thoughts. “From personal experience, I know firsthand that being an object of pity is a lot different than being an object of scorn. I’ve been both.” Her attention lifted to the corkboard, her features vacant, distant, and her words monotone. “They both might be lonely, but only scorn impacts those closest to you. Your loved ones—in your case it’ll be your kids, your momma—would also be on the outside looking in.”
“Come in.” Hank’s voice sounded from the other side of the door, the benign statement cranking up the volume on my fears and doubts.
But I’d made up my mind. Ripping off the Band-Aid hadn’t failed me thus far. Settling things between us once and for all, no matter how uncomfortable or scary, was the right thing to do. I couldn’t have him expecting something from me I’d never be able to give.