Fisher's Light(94)

While Ellie and Lucy talk about pregnancy, morning sickness and what Ellie’s plans are for the wedding, Bobby jerks his head towards the door and we leave the women to talk while we head out onto the veranda.

Kicking back in the rocking chairs with our coffee cups, both of us prop our feet up on the deck railing and stare out at the ocean.

“I can’t believe you’re going to be someone’s father,” I tell Bobby.

“No shit. I’m going to be responsible for shaping someone’s mind and for being his or her role model. I can’t believe no one made me get a permit for that shit.”

We share a laugh as we sip our coffee and stare out at the haze over the water. Most of the summer tourists have started leaving the island now that we’re getting ready to enter into hurricane season. The sky has been more overcast lately and thunderstorms have been popping up sporadically all over the place. It won’t be long until the entire island will need to start inclement weather preparations. September on an island smack in the middle of a hurricane zone meant dragging out the sandbags and storm shutters and taking all of the patio furniture inside.

“Things with you and Lucy seem good,” Bobby muses, fishing for more information.

I’ve kept him as up to date as I could these last few months, not wanting to get into too many intimate details, but he knew I’d been concerned about Lucy keeping something back from me.

“They’re really good,” I tell him, unable to hide my smile. “We had a good… talk last night.”

I keep the chuckle to myself and tell my dick to stay calm when I think about what happened in the kitchen the previous evening. Jesus, how many months did I spend feeling guilty about that night I came home from my last deployment? It was the reason I started spiraling out of control, so certain Lucy hated me for what I’d done. I was such an idiot. Having her yell at me and push me and force me to lose control with her was scary as shit, but it was the best f*cking thing that could have happened between us. She’s right, we’ve both changed and there’s no going back to who we used to be. I can’t be afraid with her and I can’t treat her like the quiet, shy girl she was when I married her. She’s the strongest f*cking woman I know and she proved that last night. I feel freer and calmer than I have in a long time. I was absolutely holding myself back from her and it wasn’t fair to either of us. I never want her to think I don’t crave her so f*cking much that I lose all sense of control. I might need time to myself every once in a while to work through my memories of the war, but I will never hold back any part of myself from her and I will always be open and honest about how I’m feeling.

“I’m glad you guys have worked things out, man. It’s good to see you happy again,” Bobby tells me.

“It’s good to BE happy again,” I tell him with a smile. “What about you and Ellie? Did you guys set a wedding date yet?”

Bobby face lights up at the mention of Ellie’s name and I’m still amazed by that shit. I never thought he would settle down and I’m a little ticked he never told me the crush he had on Ellie since she moved here might actually be something real.

“She wants to wait until after the baby’s born. I hate waiting that long, but I get it. She’s worried about fitting into a wedding dress and she wants to be able to have fun. You can’t have that much fun at your own wedding when you’re pregnant,” Bobby explains.

I’m happy for him, I really am, but a part of me is sad that Lucy and I never had children. We talked about it a lot when we first got married. We talked about how many we would have and what we would name them and how we would raise them completely different from how my father raised me. As the years wore on, the talk of babies fell by the wayside and neither one of us brought it up again. I couldn’t stand the idea of her being pregnant and having to raise our child practically alone, since I was never guaranteed to be here with her for more than a year at a time. I couldn’t saddle her with something like that when I never knew when or if I’d ever get out of the military. I know I should be grateful that we didn’t have children to witness my breakdown when everything went to shit. I can only hope that since we’re both still young and we have a lot of years ahead of us, there’s still time and it’s still something she wants.

“I still can’t believe everything is falling into place for both of us. This is f*cking nuts,” Bobby says with a laugh.

“Now I just need to convince Lucy to let me help her out with the inn.”