Fisher's Light(32)

“You’re leaving. Right now. I can’t do this anymore,” I tell her, the vision before me flashing between her standing in the doorway and an insurgent standing there with a gun aimed at me.

The insurgent disappears as quickly as he came and all I see is Lucy, my beautiful Lucy, standing in the doorway with tears filling her eyes.

“Fisher, please, don’t do this!” she begs as the first tear spills down her cheek.

I ignore her voice, even though it cuts right through me and makes me want to change my mind. I turn and run to the closet, ripping everything she owns off of hangers and piling the skirts and dresses, jeans and shirts in my arms. I come back out and stop again at the dresser, pulling open the bottom drawer and grabbing whatever else I can hold.

I toss all of that stuff into the second suitcase and watch as it morphs into an IED lying in the sand. I shake the image from my mind and try not to throw up all over the place.

“We’re done, this is over. I’m packing your shit and you’re leaving.”

I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me.

She grabs onto my arm and I yank it out of her grip. I can’t let her touch me right now. Everything will come crashing down if I let her touch me. I need her touch, I want her touch, I don’t know how I will live without her touch…

But I need to protect her more.

She begs and pleads with me, asking me to talk to her, just talk to her. She has no idea that I can’t. I can’t tell her all of the things that are so monumentally f*cked up with me right now.

“There’s nothing to talk about. It’s perfectly clear what’s going on here. Everything is f*cked up, don’t you get that? It’s ruined, all of it is ruined and you need to f*cking leave!”

I’m so sorry, I love you, please forgive me.

Her voice fills the room as she tries to get me to stop and listen to her. I can’t take it. I can’t take the sound of her voice, it hurts too much hearing all the loving words she gives me. They rip right through me and gut me like a f*cking fish. I know she’ll never leave. She’ll never walk away from me like she needs to, like she HAS to. She needs to be safe, and I need her to understand that this is the only way I can protect her from what I’ve become.

Hurtful things, so many hurtful things I spit at her.

“You need to get a life.”

I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me.

“All those sad, pathetic letters…”

I’m lying, don’t believe me, please don’t believe me. I loved your letters, I kept them all and I cherish every one of them.

She presses her soft, sweet hands to my face and I rest my forehead against hers. I’m weak, I can’t help it. I need to breathe her in one last time. I need to feel her close to me and remember why I’m doing this, why I’m doing all of these awful things to her. I need her to walk away. I need her to hate me enough to leave so she can be safe. I’ll do anything to keep her safe. Every word I speak kills more and more of me, until I’m sure there’s nothing left but an empty shell. She slides her hands under my shirt and I’m immediately hard for her. Her mouth makes its way down to my neck and I want to growl with my need for her when her lips and her teeth press into my skin. I need her. I love her.

But I can’t have her or I will wind up killing her.

“I prefer women with a little more experience…”

I don’t mean it. I don’t mean any of it. Knowing I’m the only man who has ever been inside of you makes me feel like a f*cking king and the luckiest man alive. I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me.

She tells me she hates me and that empty shell crumbles to pieces and I know there’s nothing left.

“It doesn’t get better when I come home to you…I hate this life…”

I’m lying! Every word is a lie. I love our life and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I grab her suitcases from the bed and toss them to the floor before I change my mind. I walk right past her, not saying a single word, even though I want to pull her into my arms and beg her not to leave me. It’s too late for that now. Looking at the devastation on her face, I’m certain that all the lies I told, all the things I said to her to play on her insecurities and make her hate me…it worked. It worked just like I wanted it to. It worked so well that I know there’s no hope of ever getting her to forgive me.

I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I never deserved her to begin with, so now she’ll be free to find security and happiness without having to worry about the broken man she married who can never be fixed.