Fisher's Light(2)

I’m going to kick down that f*cking door at the end of the long, dark hallway and show everyone that I deserve the light.





Chapter 1




Lucy

March 24, 2006


Screams fill my ears and I jerk up in bed with my heart pounding. The moonlight shines through the bedroom window, illuminating Fisher’s body as he kicks at the covers and punches his fists into the mattress on either side of him. His screams are so loud and painful that I want to cover my ears and cry for him.

“Fisher! Fisher, wake up!” I shout over his yells and curses.

His eyes are squeezed shut and sweat drips down his chest, soaking the t-shirt he wore to bed. I quickly reach over and flip on the lamp on my nightstand, yank the covers away from us and move close to him, pressing my hands to either side of his face to turn his head towards me.

“Please, baby, wake up. It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream,” I chant softly, running my hands soothingly down his face.

He stops screaming, but the words that come out of his mouth next are almost worse than the screams.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to kill him, he got in the way. Oh, God, I’m so sorry!”

I sob for him and the agony that rips through his voice as he continues to thrash against me and cry out, shoving my hands off his face and pushing me away from him. He’s lost in another world, another time, and I can’t stand seeing him like this. He’s hurting so much.

God, please make him stop hurting.

“Please, Fisher, wake up. Come on, baby, open your eyes,” I cry, throwing my leg over top of his and using all my strength to get him to calm down and wake him up from this nightmare.

His hand flies out and connects with my cheek and I let out a yelp of pain, but I keep going. This isn’t Fisher; he would never hit me if he was awake and in his right mind. I have to wake him up. I need him to wake up.

Oh, God, I don’t know what to do!

As quickly as I can, I climb on top of him, straddling his waist and taking hits to my arms and chest before I can grab his wrists and hold them down at his sides. I kiss every inch of his face, my tears dripping down off of my nose and onto his cheeks as I whisper his name over and over and beg him to come back to me.

He suddenly goes completely still and his eyes pop open. I hold myself above him and stare into his eyes until they finally focus on me.

“You’re okay, baby, you’re okay,” I tell him softly as I rest my forehead against his.

I let go of his arms and he quickly wraps them around me, pulling me down fully on top of him. His heart beats like a drum against my chest as he tries to slow his breathing. After a few seconds, I pull back and look into his eyes. They immediately go wide and he gasps in horror, bringing his hands up to my face.

“Oh, God, what did I do? Baby, what did I do?” he cries as he examines my cheek and the bruise I’m sure is forming there.

I cover his hand with mine and shake my head at him. “It’s okay, I’m fine. I promise, I’m fine, Fisher.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he softly sobs as he leans up and gently kisses my cheek. “Lucy, my Lucy. I’m so sorry.”

I move down to rest my cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat as I wrap my arms around his body and squeeze him as tightly as I can.

“You didn’t mean it. You were just having a bad dream. It’s okay, I’m fine,” I whisper again.

We’ve only been married for two of the six months he’s been home after his second deployment, but this isn’t the first nightmare he’s had. Each one is worse than the last and I don’t know what to do to help him anymore. I want to take away his pain, to stop the hurt that fills his heart and his mind, but I feel like I’m so far out of my depth that I’m drowning.

“Please, talk to me, Fisher. I want to help you, but I need to understand,” I speak softly against his chest.

“There’s nothing to understand, Lucy. It was just a bad dream. They’ll go away after a little while, just like they always do,” he promises me, running his fingers gently through the long strands of my hair.

“I need to know, Fisher. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

He slides out from under me and pushes himself up to lean his back against the headboard. I get up onto my knees and scoot closer to him, hating the distance he’s trying to put between us.