Fire Inside (Chaos, #2)(98)
“I pushed you away. I jerked you around. I built walls and held onto stupid excuses to keep us apart all because I was scared,” I admitted and he slanted his head, his lips brushed mine then gently, he pulled out of me.
He rolled, taking me with him as he scooted us up the bed and settled on his back with me in his arms.
I pressed closer. Winding an arm around his middle, I rested my cheek on his pec.
“I didn’t want just one night,” I shared.
“I know,” he said softly.
“I’d been watching you for years.”
“I know, baby.”
“I was ready to take the risk again. I just wasn’t ready to admit it until just now, outside, when you said the things you said, which were exactly what I was going through then you kissed me, and I knew I couldn’t live without you. But all that happened before, I put you through hell.”
“Lanie—”
I closed my eyes tight then opened them. “I’m sorry I put you through that.”
“I’m not, lady, because I loved every f*ckin’ second.”
I blinked in the dark then lifted my head to look at him. “What?”
“Not havin’ you these past weeks sucked, but it led to me comin’ that hard, that fast and givin’ that same thing to you, it was worth it. And here you are in my bed, tellin’ me you love me and I’m gonna keep you here, so f*ck yeah. It was worth it.”
He caught my chin with his finger and thumb to hold my face toward his as he went on.
“But before that, I loved every f*ckin’ second, Lanie. Even when we were fightin’. And babe, you’re too hard on yourself. I threw my punches too and I know I can be a dick when I do. So don’t do what you do, take all this shit on your shoulders.”
“You were always up front. I didn’t know it but I was playing games.”
“Your head was messed up, Lanie. That wasn’t games. That was your way of straightening shit out.”
I liked that he thought that and I hoped he was right.
Still.
“We fight dirty, honey,” I noted.
“No, we fight honest. Trust me, I know when fighting comes from someplace ugly, someplace cold, someplace jacked. I got that shit from Mitzi. I also know when it comes from someplace else, feelings that are good, fights that are worth it to get past shit and learn about each other and I know that because that’s what we got.”
“Do you think so?” I asked.
“I know so,” Hop answered and his words were firm.
I pulled my chin from his grip and pressed my face in his neck.
“It hurts,” I told him.
“It hurts because you give a shit.”
This made sense but still.
“You said I made you genuinely happy,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, I said that,” he confirmed.
I lifted my head to look at him again. “How? I jacked you around. I lied about what I wanted from the very beginning. Even though I didn’t do it consciously, I still did it. I screwed things up and then did it again and again and—”
“Baby,” he interrupted me, his body suddenly shaking with laughter, “didn’t you hear me when I said I like a challenge?”
“There’s a challenge, Hop, and then there’s a pain in the ass.”
Still laughing, he rolled us again so I was on my back and he was pressed into me.
“You’re beautiful, f*ck me, seriously, so goddamned beautiful sometimes, swear to God, I think I can’t look at you any longer because if I do, your beauty will burn out my eyes.”
Oh my God!
That was so sweet.
“You’re funny. You’re crazy,” he carried on. “You’re just you and to hell with what people think. You’re total class. You could be a snob because you come from money and you got your kind of beauty but, because you’re you, you fit anywhere. You treat my kids good. You’re a fantastic f*ckin’ cook. You let go in bed and come hard, givin’ me even more beauty. I lay in bed with you, tellin’ you stories about bitches I used to date and you giggle your ass off, you don’t get in my face about reminding you I used to date those bitches. I lay in bed, tellin’ you stories about my life and you look at me with those beautiful eyes of yours and listen like I’m tellin’ you God’s secret plan for harmony. And I sing you a song and you stand on a goddamned chair and shout I’m the shit then jump me when we get home. None of that, none of it, lady, is a pain in the ass. All of it, every bit, is worth fighting for.”
Oh.
My.
God!
That was so sweet!
“Hopper,” I whispered.
“Babe, hear this. I figured something out about Mitzi. She didn’t want that guy because he had her heart. She wanted that guy because her dad made shit but they lived in a part of town where she went to school with kids that had serious money. Don’t know but I guess, for her, bein’ poor around the rich f*cked with her head. And that guy’s dad made money. The kind of money that meant he had it easy in life, doors opened for him. So by the time I met him, he had a wife who couldn’t give him kids but he still had a six-bedroom house in Cherry Creek. He drove a BMW. She drove a Merc. He wore f*ckin’ loafers shined so bright, I fought against puttin’ on shades to battle the glare. And she was so tricked out, it didn’t take a psychologist to figure out she was usin’ money to buy her happiness. Mitzi wanted that. She wanted the Merc and designer gear. She didn’t want him.”