Fighting Solitude (On The Ropes #3)(12)

And I had to live with that knowledge while the police searched for Eliza, not knowing if she was alive or dead.

Flint got to be the hero that day, and his reward was a bullet he took in the back to protect Eliza and her unborn daughter.

It gutted me.

I should have been man enough to do that the moment Frankie had stormed in, waving a gun around. I hadn’t though. After everything they had given me—sacrificed for me—I’d failed them all.

An insurmountable guilt devoured me the day the doctors told us that Flint might never walk again. I would have rather sat in a wheelchair for my entire life than watch the painful reality crumble my brother’s face, knowing that it was all my fault.

It broke me in ways that could never be healed.

I wasn’t a man.

And, for that reason alone, I lost it in the middle of Flint’s hospital room with Eliza, Till, Erica, and Slate all watching on.

“Hey, Q,” Flint called from his bed.

I didn’t turn to face him as I answered, “Yeah.”

“You crying over there?”

I deserved that for what I had done. And especially for what I hadn’t done—protect them.

“Fuck you,” I barked at my reflection in the window.

“Hey, you can’t be a man and a baby. Either cuss or cry.”

He was right. And it was exactly why I was crying like the little bitch I really was.

“Leave him alone,” Erica urged.

There was nothing to leave alone though. I’d earned that when I’d allowed an armed man to take Eliza—the only mother I’d ever known. Till would have burned the entire world down before allowing anyone to ever lay a finger on her. And Flint… Well, he’d more than shown the lengths to which he would go to make her safe.

And I’d proved exactly how worthless I truly was.

In an exaggerated baby voice, Flint mocked, “Q, you want me to ask the nurse if she has a lollipop?”

I couldn’t take it anymore.

Pushing to my feet, I stormed past his bed, mumbling, “I hate you.”

I didn’t hate him at all though.

I hated myself.

After sprinting from the room, I came face-to-face with a hall full of familiar faces and one pair of innocent, brown eyes I could feel even before they came into view.

“Quarry, wait!” Liv yelled, chasing after me as I rushed down the hall, desperately seeking an escape from my entire f*cking life.

When I was sure I’d lost her, I quickly ducked into a supply closet and flipped the lights off.

This is not happening. None of it.

After sucking in a deep breath, I held it until my chest began to burn. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks, and I didn’t even bother wiping them away.

The handle of the door twisted, and light from the hall filled the small space. I didn’t need to turn to know who it was.

“Go away, Liv.”

The door shut almost immediately. My body sagged in relief as the darkness once again cloaked the room.

“Son of a bitch!” I shouted as two arms folded around my waist from behind. “Get out!” I roared as her body came flush with my back.

“No,” she murmured, resting her head between my shoulder blades.

“Leave me the hell alone. I don’t want you here!”

“I don’t care if you want me here or not. If it happens to you, it happens to me too, remember?”

But it hadn’t happened to her; it’d happened to me. And nothing she could say or do would change that. It didn’t matter one bit that I instantly felt better from knowing she was there. Not even Liv could fix this.

“Leave me alone. It’s dark and quiet in here. God knows I can’t deal with you freaking the f*ck out right now.”

“I’ll be fine. I’m safe with you, Quarry.”

That one sentence was the absolute worst thing she could have possibly said. It lit me on fire, because not only had I convinced her of that bullshit over the years, but I’d even convinced myself.

It was the biggest lie I had ever told.

“I can’t protect you!” I roared, roughly removing her arms from around my hips. Spinning to face her, I continued to yell. “I can’t f*cking protect anyone! Not you. Not Eliza. Not Flint. Not even my f*cking self.”

“Then I’ll protect you,” she whispered.

And that damn warmth Liv seemed to magically transfer spread over me. My dependency on those brief moments of comfort was another one of my weaknesses. No more. Never again.

I grabbed her shoulders and shook her roughly. “I can’t keep you safe. Look around us. It’s still dark. And, in a minute, it’s going to be really f*cking quiet. You have to get over your shit before I have the chance to fail you too.”

She attempted to once again close her arms around my waist, but I stepped out of her reach.

“Stop saying that. You didn’t fail anyone,” she said.

And that was the exact moment I lost her.

Rage and self-loathing boiled in my veins. She was so f*cking wrong. And the sooner she realized it, the safer she would be.

Stomping past her, I did the unforgivable.

I showed Liv James exactly how unsafe she was with me.

After yanking the closet door open, I stepped out. I caught a glimpse of fear in her wide eyes just before I secured my spot in Hell by slamming the door behind me.