Fifty Shades of Grey(233)

"Anyone would think you didn't want me to catch you."

"I don't. That's the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you."His entire demeanor changes in a nanosecond. Gone is playful Christian, and he stands staring at me as if I'd slapped him. He's ashen.

"That's how you feel?" he whispers.

Those four words, and the way he utters them, speaks volumes. Oh no. They tell me so much more about him and how he feels. They tell me about his fear and loathing. I frown.

No, I don't feel that bad. No way. Do I?

"No. It doesn't affect me quite as much as that, but it gives you an idea," I murmur, staring anxiously at him.

"Oh," he says.

Crap. He looks completely and utterly lost, like I've pulled the rug from under his feet.

Taking a deep breath, I move round the table until I am standing in front of him, gazing into his apprehensive eyes.

"You hate it that much?" he breathes, his eyes filled with horror.

"Well... no," I reassure him. Jeez - that's how he feels about people touching him?

"No. I feel ambivalent about it. I don't like it, but I don't hate it."

"But last night, in the playroom, you... " he trails off.

"I do it for you, Christian, because you need it. I don't. You didn't hurt me last night.

That was in a different context, and I can rationalize that internally, and I trust you. But when you want to punish me, I worry that you'll hurt me."

His gray eyes blaze like a turbulent storm. Time moves, and expands and slips away before he answers softly.

"I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything that you couldn't take."

Fuck!

"Why?"

He runs his hand through his hair, and he shrugs.

"I just need it." He pauses, gazing at me with anguish, and he closes his eyes and shakes his head. "I can't tell you," he whispers.

"Can't or won't?"

"Won't."

"So you know why."

"Yes."

"But you won't tell me."

"If I do, you will run screaming from this room, and you'll never want to return." He stares at me warily. "I can't risk that, Anastasia."

"You want me to stay."

"More than you know. I couldn't bear to lose you."

Oh my.

He gazes down at me, and suddenly, he pulls me into his arms and he's kissing me, kissing me passionately. It takes me completely by surprise, and I sense his panic and desperate need in his kiss.

"Don't leave me. You said you wouldn't leave me, and you begged me not to leave you, in your sleep," he murmurs against my lips.

Oh... my nocturnal confessions.

"I don't want to go." And my heart clenches, turning itself inside out.

This is a man in need. His fear is naked and obvious, but he's lost... somewhere in his darkness. His eyes wide and bleak and tortured. I can soothe him. Join him briefly in the darkness and bring him into the light.

"Show me," I whisper.

"Show you?"

"Show me how much it can hurt."

"What?"

"Punish me. I want to know how bad it can get."

Christian steps back away from me, completely confused.

"You would try?"

"Yes. I said I would." But I have an ulterior motive. If I do this for him, maybe he will let me touch him.