Fade Out (The Morganville Vampires #7)(41)

I breathe in the crispness, the faint scent of wood and leaves, and keep walking. I only stop when I’m right in front of a vending machine, sliding in my credit card, and hitting the letter and number combo for the most fattening item behind the glass.

When I sink my teeth into the giant chocolate chip cookie, an explosion of taste assaults my senses. I close my eyes and moan, savoring the sweet chocolate. My stomach feels nauseas after the first few bites, like I’m stretching it as I hurriedly eat, but I ignore the piercing pain. I’ve felt it a million times before; it will go away.

Right now, I just want to enjoy the indulgence. I’ll deal with the guilt later.

Last bite, then I’m quickly chewing and digging out my phone before the haze of food and sugar can cloud my mind. I send a text.

Me: Anything you forgot to tell me? About the party…or the bet?

Standing there, staring at the screen, I realize what time it is. Ryder’s probably at practice. The fact that I’m sort of tracking his schedule and away games, makes me feel more ill than the damn cookie I just inhaled.

I shove my phone into my pack and hike it over my shoulder. Not waiting to see if he replies. Actually, I wish I could take back the text I just hastily sent. I didn’t even think it through. I should’ve never let on that I knew anything.

The ball always needs to stay in your court. My father always says keep the advantage. But maybe I can still save some dignity.

Feeling thoroughly disgusted, I wipe the cold sweat from my forehead and start for the dormitory. Saliva is already coating my mouth, thickening in my throat. I crave just one second where the stress melds away after the purge. I hate myself for knowing so well what that feels like. Only I can’t stop the desire to feel it.

The emotions continue to wage a battle inside me as I push through the bathroom door.





18





Ryder





Hand clamped around my phone, I stare at the message. My eyebrows pushed together. My jaw clenched. The f*ck?

After the phone conversation with my brother, I wasn’t feeling practice. I headed straight to the locker room with a plan to change out before any of the guys got here, but I’m regretting that decision as the bangs and shouts surround me, and as I continue to stare at my phone. Like Ari will send another message, saying the last one was some kind of joke.

“Brah,” Gavin says, sidling up beside me. “Staring at it won’t will her into existence.”

I blink. Look at him. “What?” I seriously have to wonder about his brain capacity sometimes. The shit that comes out of his mouth.

“That chick still has you on frustrate, man.” He nods to the phone. “But that’s okay. I fixed things for this weekend. You’ll love the surprise.” He laughs.

A wave of alarm crashes over me. I snag his shoulder, stopping his retreat. “What did you do?”

He shakes me off. “Relax. Trust me. You’ll enjoy this shit.”

I let him walk off, but I’m determined to get answers. Turning to Beck, I demand, “What’s he talking about?”

Beck just shrugs. “Does anyone ever know?”

Hell.

Whatever. I’ll just have to go right to the source. As the guys slam lockers and leave, I cradle my phone, not really wanting to text Ari and dive head first into the damn drama, but knowing I have no other choice.

I really didn’t need anymore shit on top of this already shitty day.

With a shake of my head, I start typing. Me: The party is…Gavin’s doing. Sorry. I took credit because I wanted to impress you. Lame, I know, but don’t hate on a guy for trying. And bet…? Not sure what you’re talking about there.

Taking a seat on the bench in the middle of the locker room, I wait. Like the sorry-ass loser that I am. For this girl to text me back. When did I become that guy? Fucking again?

I’m not sure how long I wait, but soon I’m fuming and tossing my gear into my locker. Then I’m off through the school, hunting down Ari. Best to do some things in person.

It wasn’t so much the words…but the tone of her message. Something’s wrong.

After I’ve exhausted everywhere I can think of, all the places she might be—the gym, library, boosters—I stuff my ego way down into the pit of my stomach and make the trek to her dorm. Stares and whistles follow me through the halls, and I smile, nodding and giving half-waves of acknowledgment.

I still think it’s ridiculous the way everyone treats me now. Not that I didn’t eat it up that first year. It was like becoming a different person. New, and improved, even. And it’s the reason why my reputation continues to precede me, even though I haven’t been that guy either for a long time. That doesn’t matter, though. It’s who they all want me to be—The Ryde.

But I’m thankful reality eventually caught up. That’s what put it all into perspective. My mother’s failing health and my brother’s constant problems helped with that. I guess it forced me to figure out what’s important fast.

If Jake wouldn’t have f*cked up his chances, just threw it all away, I wouldn’t be where I’m at now. It’s a messed up truth. A guilt riddled dilemma. One that he wants me to believe he did all for my benefit—and in some way, I do trust that. But I know him too well. It was mostly for himself.