Eyes of Ember (Imdalind Series #2)(81)

He leaned down and my heart froze, but instead of kissing me, he pressed his lips against the kiss on my neck, his lips soft and gentle.

The touch of his lips against my mark sent a jolt through my whole body. I had only felt that electric response to Ryland before; it was the jolt that preceded bonding. He sighed as he felt it too, his heart rejoicing at feeling something he had been longing for.

My breathing accelerated into a panic. What did this mean?

“I love you.” He said softly, his words true and honest. I could tell he meant what he said. But I didn’t shy away from it, not as much as I should have, and it scared me.

“No!” I yelled out in a panic. My voice echoed around the great stone chamber as I pushed my hands against Ilyan’s chest, pushing myself out of the memory and into my usual chair in the cave.

It was obvious that a whole day had passed; the light from the skylights in the ceiling was coming from an angle that suggested it was already night. Thom’s partially eaten lunch still lay on his couch, but neither Thom nor Dramin were anywhere to be seen. Even though I had done nothing but sit all day, I could feel the exhaustion of a full day seeping into my body, begging me to sleep.

I exhaled deeply, my chest shaking a bit before I reluctantly looked toward where Ilyan lay. I was glad Thom and Dramin had left me to myself for the moment. Although I was worried about where they had gone to, and even about being alone, I knew I needed the time. Dramin must have known too. After all, he knew from the beginning all that was said, all that was seen.

Ilyan had known too.

Ilyan had known for eight hundred years about me, he had known my face, known some semblance of a future. And yet, he said nothing. Even when I struggled and pined for Ryland, even as he trained me. He said nothing of the future he longed to have, the future he dreamed of with me. He never tried to talk me out of it. He never tried to place himself in a better position. He had let me do what I had longed for.

Suddenly, the look that Ilyan had the very first day I saw him – standing against the wall in English class – made sense, his intense gaze, his look of frightening awe. After eight hundred years of waiting, I was sitting right before him. I cannot imagine the heartbreak he must have felt, or how the knowledge that he could never have me must have eaten him up inside.

I stood to face where he lay, still and calm on the bunk, his long hair falling gently over the side. I couldn’t decide if I was angry with him, agreed with him, or accepted what he had done. Everything lay numbly inside of me, as I stood staring at him.

My Protector.

He was born to protect me, born with magic strong enough to do so, and yet, too strong to give him companionship. And he bore it willingly, his actions showing his strength. Although he loved me, more than he could ever love any other, he held his tongue and let me follow my own path.

He was truly a better man than I would have guessed. How could he ever worry that I would hate him? I shook my head before walking toward him, my steps slow and controlled. Thom’s words of his imminent awakening sounded in my head. Now was not a time I needed him to wake. Now, I needed to think. I needed to figure out what was going on.

I was born to defeat Edmund, born to usher in a new age of magic. Ilyan was born to protect me and bring me to serve my true purpose, even if it ended with my death. An image of him from the pillar, his heartbreak as he held my dead body, entered my mind and I stopped a few steps away from him.

I clutched my hand to my chest as the pressure in it built. I knew the second heartbreak was coming and I knew why. I had fallen in love with Ilyan, but the love was wrong. It was a love and devotion in and of itself, but beyond that...

“I’m sorry, Ilyan,” I whispered to his sleeping body, my voice catching on my tears, “but I can’t give you what you want.”

I turned and ran before I had finished speaking. My feet stumbled as I tore across the large space in tears, only to lunge myself into my bunk. I covered myself with as many of the large furs as I could, hoping to dampen the sound I knew was coming before it escaped my lips.

I felt my chest tightening as I fought against it, but I knew it was no use. The tears had reached a peak, and my body curled inwards as I screamed within the shelter of my blankets. I writhed with the overwhelming pain of my emotions, with heartbreak and with loss.

The sight had said that everything that I touched would turn to ash, and this seemed to be no exception. I was in love with, and bonded to my best friend. A man who had been tortured by his Father for loving me, who may or may not remember me, whose very bond with me terrorized my waking and non-waking existence. Ryland meant the world to me, and yet he had begun to actively attempt to break our bond. Even thinking about his words, about his promise to sever the Z?lství, sent more panic through me. I screamed again, desperate to get the emotions out of me.

Nothing about my bond with Ryland brought joy, and that in itself was painful for me. I longed for him, and yet, I was scared of him.

I screamed in an attempt to release my fear and my pain, shoving the blankets into my mouth as I did, hoping to muffle the sound.

The scream opened up a further chasm in my heart. It rent open the feelings I had been hiding, even from myself. The feelings I now knew Ilyan shared.

Everything around me was crumbling again, the weight on my shoulders too much to bear. Bred to die, born to fight, raised to be broken, and always the cause of pain for those I cared about most in the world.

I howled as it all came crashing down on me. I could no longer do it on my own.