Epic Sins (Epic Fail #1)(62)

“What’s wrong?” Garrett asks.

I sigh. “I have a decision to make, and I need you to help me make it.”

“Oh?” He walks toward me and places his hands on my shoulders. “The answer is yes. Always yes,” he says and softly squeezes.

“Jim is calling in the big guns. He sent Cassie to convince me to come back to work. Now that my foot is healed and Kai is perfect, I don’t think I have any excuses not to return.”

His hands fall from my shoulders. “I guess not,” he says reluctantly.

“It’s time, right?” I say and sit down at the counter. I rifle through my bag and find Olivia’s letter. I grab it and stand up. “I’m going for a swim.”

Garrett nods and walks toward the basement. “We have a recording session tonight. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” He places his hand over his back pocket, confirming the baby monitor is there. “I’ll get Kai if he wakes up. Enjoy your swim.” He lowers his head and descends into the basement.

I know it’s going to be hard on all of us when I leave, but it’s really time. Kai is healthy. Garrett is able to care for him and Peggy is here if needed. I also have a list of nannies that I’ve been interviewing ‘just in case.’

Everything’s going to be just fine.

I enter the enclosed pool house and go right to the dressing room. I always keep at least one or two bathing suits and a change of clothes down here. I’m the only one who uses the pool anyway, so it’s like I have my own closet here.

I slip into my suit and dive into the pool. It feels great to move freely in the water, and my foot feels incredible. I’ve missed this so much.

My muscles are tired after twenty laps, and I begin to relax in the water. I flip over and float, staring through the skylights above me. The blue sky is deep and clear. I’m still panting from the swim, and I try to slow and regulate my breathing. And then I drift.

Am I ready to go back to work?

Can I pick up where I left off?

Will parents trust me with their sick babies?

Can I leave Kai?

Can I leave Garrett?

Questions without answers swirl in my head, and I need to decide what my future holds for me. I need to get back to doing what I was born to do. I have nothing left here to fix. Kai is perfect and happy. He’s on track to a healthy and normal life.

I turn in the water and swim to the edge. I see Olivia’s letter on the table and pull myself out of the pool. I wrap a towel around me, paying particular attention to dry my hands and fingers. When they’re dry, I open the envelope.

I tense as I unfold it, unsure of what I’m about to read.



Dear Samantha,

For months I’ve been at a loss for words, and now that they have finally come, I needed to contact you.

Thank you.

It must seem strange that I’m saying these words to you, but I mean them from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you.

When Benjamin was born so early, I had no hope that he would survive. He faced so many problems, and being premature was just the tip of the iceberg. His lungs were underdeveloped, his heartbeat was erratic and his brain was bleeding in more than one place. His chances were slim. Dr. Hagan was always honest with me about this. We never talked percentages, but she prepared me for the worst.

And then you arrived. You ignored the numbers. Ignored the monitors. Your care for Ben was unwavering and you did everything in your control to make sure he kept breathing for just one more day.

One more precious day.

You gave me something that I was lacking, and that was time. Every day that you cared for him, was another day that I had to see him breathe and live.

So thank you, thank you, thank you.

You allowed me to spend time with my son when he had so little of it left on this earth. It was my time with him, and you gave that gift to me.

And then it was my husband’s time.

Ben wasn’t meant to spend his days with me here. He was meant to be with his father, in Heaven.

I’m forever grateful to you, Samantha, and for the memories that you helped me create with my son.

Yours,

Olivia



I’m sobbing as I finish the letter. She’s thanking me? Forgiving me?

I drop the letter onto the pavement and slide into the water, allowing it to swallow me whole. I open my eyes underwater and see clearly to the other end of the pool. I let the air out of my lungs and I scream. The water absorbs my voice and distorts it into a garbled blur of sound. I don’t know how long I remain submerged, but when my lungs burn for air, I push myself up, gasping and breathing. The pool house is silent except for the sounds of the softly splashing waves made from my movement.

I don’t deserve her forgiveness.

Tears mix with the chlorinated water on my face, and I swim again. My arms cut through the water like sharp knives, and the muscles in my legs burn. I don’t know how many laps I do, but when I’m finished, the sun is setting. My fingertips are pruned and I’m exhausted.



I try to relax and roll onto my back, letting the water carry me through the pool.

Olivia’s letter shocked me, but it also opened my eyes. I did give her time. I did everything in my power to keep him alive for as long as possible. When Jim initially contacted me to tell me that I was no longer suspended, he told me that a new vein in Ben’s brain had started bleeding and ruptured. He was dying and we didn’t even know it. He went into heart failure and cardiac arrest. The fluid in his lungs was not from the feeding tube, but from the heart failure. I felt relief and despair at the same time. Of course, I know now that I didn’t actually kill him, but I hadn’t recognized the fact that he was already dying.