Eighteen (18)(70)

We’re still real, is what his message really says.

I flip the second piece of paper over. I only used one side to solve the problems, so I make my own code for him to solve. My problems are stupid and easy. Two plus two and three times five kind of stuff. But the problems don’t need to be hard for him to get the message.

I need more than the answer. I need the process.

When I’m done, I walk across the street and find him sitting on his porch, waiting for me. We don’t say a word. I just open the screen door an inch, slip the paper between it and the doorjamb, and then walk back the way I came.

I can hear his chuckle just as I slip through the gate into the apartments that are not mine. And I smile all the way past the pool, out into the alley, back into my own patio, and through my sliding door.

The next morning when I wake up and look out on the patio, the table has been cleared of the Italian restaurant, and there sits another bag and a cup of coffee. I rip the receipt off and open it up.

Another problem. Much harder to solve than yesterday’s.

I look inside the bag. Donuts.

I work as I eat and the message at the end is…

I’ll be back on Tuesday.

He left for Arizona. I’m happy he left. We need to find ourselves right now. Find our places in this world. He worked hard for his PhD and he deserves to move forward. We both deserve to move forward because we passed a milestone in our lives, and now we’re about to start something new.





Chapter Thirty-Seven




I hold Olivia in my arms as we sit in the judge’s chambers. She’s so big now. And she’s turning one next week. She looks so much like Jill with her blonde hair and blue eyes, I want to cry sometimes.

“So the test came back,” I say, picking up our conversation. I’ve been coming to see this judge for almost six months. We meet once a week with Olivia in my arms just like this. “Jason’s not the father.”

“I see,” Judge Otero says. “That was smart, Shannon. No one contested it until you thought to ask for paternity.”

“Yeah, well, his parents weren’t getting her. No way. They didn’t do such a great job with him. What makes them think they’d do any better with her?”

Judge Otero smiles. “The past can certainly dictate the future. But not always.”

“I just don’t like them.”

“Me either.” He laughs.

“I’ll be nineteen in a couple months. I think I can handle it now, Judge.” Olivia does not live with me yet. I had to prove myself and she’s been staying with foster parents. But I see her every day. I want to make sure she knows she belongs with me. “I have a good job designing websites. Have you seen the new Alesci’s Anaheim delivery page?”

“I have,” he says. “My wife and I used it last night. I’m impressed, Shannon. You’ve worked hard. You took parenting classes and CPR. You started your own business, got your license and bought a car.”

“Mateo bought the car, Judge. I can’t take credit for that.” Mateo and I have not talked in person since the night he came to my window, but we’ve sent each other hundreds of messages via codes. If he’s in town, we send messages twice a day sometimes.

Judge Otero smiles. “It’s a nice car. I wish I had one just like it.”

The car was the first present Mateo gave me and it’s brand new. Best safety features on the market, was the message in that night’s code.

“Have you talked to Danny?”

I nod. “Yeah, he stayed with me a couple of weekends ago when he came home from school for a visit. We went out and had dinner and stuff.”

“No regrets there?”

“No.” I laugh. We’ve had many, many long talks about Danny. He did go to jail the same night I did, but he was never charged either. “Just a friend. A very good friend.”

“I like him. He’s worked hard to change his life as well. And I’m glad he and his sister got away from that family.”

“Me too,” I agree. “You don’t get to choose your family, right?”

“Right,” Judge Otero says. “You’re stuck with them until you’re old enough to choose your own. He’ll find a new one. He’s on his way.”

“I think I’m on my way too.” I don’t want to push Judge Otero into a decision. I understand that learning to be a responsible parent takes time. But I really want to move forward and I want today to be the day.

“Have you made a decision about where you’ll live?”

My lease is up in a few days. Mateo paid for the first six months, and that’s just about over. “I… I don’t know yet. I might be seeing Mateo tonight?” It comes off as a question because it’s not really up to me. “His last code said, Congratulations. So I think he’s expecting a celebration. But…” I hesitate. “It’s up to you. And I respect your decision, Judge. So if I’m not ready yet…” I have to stop because I want to cry. But I gather myself together and take a deep breath. “I’ll accept that.”

I’ll go home and sob is what I’ll do, but I’m not going to try to influence his decision with that threat. I’m done skating through life. I want to earn it. I need to work for it.