Echo(98)

So I sit.

Maybe my body’s in shock.

Or maybe it’s just numbing itself for departure.

There’s no feeling, only sounds as Declan moves about, tending to me. He holds out a toothbrush, but my hand won’t move to take it.

“Open,” he gently requests, and I do.

Mint touches my tongue as he brushes my teeth, but it doesn’t taste right. And when I look up at Declan, he doesn’t look right. Sounds don’t sound right, as everything begins to vacuum itself into a tunnel of fog. And now, my chest doesn’t feel right. Pins prick along my body at the same time my eyes swim out of focus.

“Are you okay?” Declan’s lips ask, but his voice is muted and a million miles away as I sway.

My brain tells my mouth to speak, but the wires don’t connect the message as Declan’s face morphs into a concoction of colored specks.

And then he’s gone.

Strong hands press through the pins; one on my chest, and the other on my back, lowering my body down.

“Drop your head,” he instructs.

I reach out for him when I let my head fall, and his hands quickly move to mine, and I latch on to him. Everything’s disconnected, floating in an abyss, causing my pulse to pick up in a panic.

“I’m here. I’ve got you. Just close your eyes and take deep breaths.”

My tongue is completely numb as I attempt to finally speak, but my words only slur when I say, “I feel sick.”

“It’s okay. Just focus on breathing.”

Soon, I feel the heat of my blood flow, warming my insides, and when my vision comes into focus, I move slowly to sit up.

“Better?”

I nod.

“Let me get you some water,” he says before going to fill a glass from the faucet. “Here.”

I take a few sips, and Declan turns the water on in the shower. He undresses, and I can’t peel my eyes away from him as I watch. Every part of him is smooth and cut in deep, muscular lines. Walking over, he takes the glass from me, and helps me stand up.

With my hands gripped to his shoulders to steady myself, he begins unbuttoning the shirt he put on me. I let go of him, letting the shirt fall to the floor along with my other top and bra that Richard cut with his knife. My body is sore as I help him remove my pants, and he then leads me to the shower.

Hot water rains down on me, washing away exterior grime. If only I could turn myself inside out, I’d do anything to cleanse the grime from inside of me, but I can’t. And I wonder if that rot will always remain.

Declan’s fingers run along the open wound on my cheek where Richard dug his knife in, and I hiss against the sting.

“Sorry,” he whispers, and as I look up into his harrowed eyes, I’m overtaken with guilt, and it becomes too much to hold on to.

Heated tears slip out, merging with the heated water as I let my emotions roll down my cheeks. Declan sees it coming out of me, takes my head in his strong hands, and presses the side of my face tightly against his chest. I curl my arms between our bodies and cuddle into him.

As we stand here under the water, naked and boundless, exposed and vulnerable, I feel the faint line-fracture begin to split. It’s a sharp razor, slicing a jagged line through the scar tissue of my deepest pain. A part of me is terrified, but another part of me is ready to end the war inside. But I’m not even given a choice when I feel it taking a life of its own, shredding the fibers of the walls I’ve spent my whole life erecting.

“It’s okay,” I hear Pike whisper. “If you shatter, he’ll put you back together.”

His voice, his words, they allow the severing to happen, and I rip open.

Tremors quake through me and Declan feels it, banding his arms around me. And when he speaks his next words, “I’ve got you, darling. If you shatter, I’ll put you back together,” I bleed it all out.

Dropping to the floor of the shower with me, he tucks me in his arms, and for the first time ever, I cry for everything I’ve suffered through—I really cry. It’s ugly and messy, screaming and sobbing, bawling harder in an attempt to drain all the misery out of me. Salt burns, sadness scathes, memories devastate, but somehow, his hands alleviate.

I’m tired of being steely and callous. I’m tired of pretending and always fighting against my own skeletons. I’m tired of the uncertainty and hatred that drives the tenebrific evil in me. My wish is that his arms hold the magic to intenerate my heart—to make me good—to make me worthy—to make me lovable. But I doubt any man’s arms are that powerful, and that doubt adds more fuel to my fear of Declan.