Echo(74)

Flicking the pill from my fingertips, it plops into the toilet water. I know if I leave here and go back to the States, I won’t want to do it alone. I need Pike. I’ll probably always need him because he’s still all I have, and if I take that pill, I risk losing him. And I can’t lose him.

“Get out,” I seethe when I walk back into the bedroom and see Declan.

“I couldn’t do it,” he says. “I knew if I went back to you, I’d f*ck you and hurt you because I want to punish you. I wouldn’t have been able to resist taking all this anger I have out on you.”

“I can’t do this, Declan,” I say in defeat. “I want to. I want to be strong enough because I don’t ever want to be without you. But I’m starting to think that being here with you might just hurt worse than not being with you at all.”

He walks over and sits on the edge of the bed, dropping his head.

“There too much pain in me. There’s so much rage and hate, and I don’t know how to get rid of it,” I tell him. “I’ve been fighting my whole life trying to rid myself of these feelings that won’t ever go away.” I move to sit across the room from him in one of the chairs. “I thought getting rid of Bennett would be what I’ve been needing. That somehow I would feel better about this life, but . . . ” I begin to cry, “I don’t feel better. Nothing feels better. And then I killed my brother, and I’m not entirely sure why, but I did, and I carry that with me every day. I plot revenge and I kill and I fight and I still hate this life. I still hurt and it won’t go away.”

I don’t even realize my eyes are closed and I’m bent over sobbing out my words until I feel his hands on my knees. I open my eyes to see him kneeling in front of me.

“But this hurts too,” I add. “Being here with you hurts me, and as much as I want to hate you for all the ways you’ve been humiliating me and punishing me, I’m scared to leave. I’m scared I’ll never see you again.”

“Was Pike the only one?”

“What?” I question, confused as to what he’s asking.

“You said you kill. Was he the only one?”

I hesitantly shake my head and shock streaks his face.

“How many?”

Closing my eyes, I confess, “Three.”

“Jesus Christ,” he mutters in disbelief. “Who else?”

“My foster parents,” I say when I look back down at him, and his shoulders lax a little.

His hands slide past my knees and grip my thighs with his question, “What happened?”

“Pike and I ran away together, and shortly after, we returned one night with a friend of his, and . . . ”

“I want to know everything,” he demands harshly. “I want to know how those f*ckers died.”

“Pike and his friend, Matt, they tied them to the bed and dumped a couple containers of gasoline on them,” I say. “I remember standing there, watching them scream and flail around, trying to break free. Matt handed me the match like it was a gift, wrapped in the most delicate silk bow, and it was. When I struck that match and threw it on that bed, it was the greatest gift anyone had ever given me,” I cry. “Those sick f*cks destroyed every piece of me. But here’s the really sick part, as happy as it made me to kill them, it still wasn’t enough. It’s never enough, Declan, because I’m still so alone. I still feel worthless and disgusting, and all I ever wanted was the one thing Bennett took away from me. I miss my dad.”

Declan pulls me out of the chair and onto the floor with him as I lose myself to the emotions I’m so used to caging up. He cradles me in his arms, gathering me up completely, and pressing me tightly against him.

“I miss him so much. It hurts so bad. But then I met you. And it took me a while to see it, to see how I felt about you because I’d never experienced that feeling before. I’d never loved like I did with you, never opened myself up like that. And when I look at you, I see parts of my dad in you. The way you’d comfort me and love me. No one has ever given me that.”

“What about Pike?”

“He was my brother. It was different. With you, I finally felt like I had a home. But I knew I had destroyed our love from the beginning. I knew we never had a chance.”

“But that didn’t stop you.”

“I was selfish. I knew that no amount of time with you would suffice to make it easier for me to walk away.”