Driven(book one)(85)

“My way? My arrangement as you call it…” he shakes his head, “is all I know how to do, Rylee. Is all I know how to be.” He reaches out to grab my hand, and I have to steel myself to not react to his mere touch. “It’s all I can give you right now.” The solemnity in his voice touches me deep down and twists in my heart.

I turn from him and walk the length of the room, grabbing his beer without thinking and taking a long swallow of it. I hate the flavor of beer but I don’t even taste it. I’m tired. I’m hurt. And I can’t fight the tears that threaten to flood anymore. My eyes pool and a single tear falls over and runs down my cheek in silence. My back is to him for I’m afraid to see the look on his face when I speak my next statement. “I don’t know if I can do this, Colton.” I shake my head, sighing deeply.

“Rylee, don’t be ridiculous.“

“Ridiculous?” I sputter. “No, ridiculous is me thinking for a second that I could do this, Colton.” I shrug my shoulders in sadness and resignation. “I walked into this—whatever we have here—telling myself that all you want is a quick f*ck from me.” I turn back to him as I speak and see him wince at my words. “Maybe a little fling … and I thought I could give that to you. Take that from you. But now that you’re actually offering it to me, I don’t think I can.” Another wayward tear falls over the edge, and I note that his eyes follow it slowly sliding down my cheek before bringing his eyes back up to mine.

“What do you mean, Rylee?” His mask slips momentarily, and I can see the vulnerability and panic flutter over his face. “Why not?”

A small part of me relishes the idea that my threat can make him panic but staying is not going to fix things. I press my fingers to my eyes. I’m sure I look like hell right now, hair frizzed, eyeliner smudged, lipstick gone, but I really don’t care. My insides are ten times more devastated than what my outside looks like. “When I tell myself in my head, that this is all I am to you—sex without feelings or the possibility of a future—it’s one thing.”

Without thinking I give into my addiction. I can’t resist. I reach out and brush my fingers over his cheek. He starts to turn his cheek into my hand and catches himself before he does. I let my hand fall at his subtle rejection. “But when I hear the words from your lips. When I hear you tell my your rules and regulations, it’s a whole different thing.” I close my eyes momentarily, trying to stop the small tremor in my voice. “I will not be inconsequential, Colton. To you or anyone else.”

Colton runs a hand through his hair and scrubs his hands over his eyes. “That’s not what you are to me, Rylee,” he breathes raising his eyes to me.

I stare at him. I want to believe him. I really do. But I can’t sell myself short. I deserve more than this. I want more than what he’s offering. “That may be true, Colton, but that admission, it’s not enough for me.” It breaks my heart to say these words to him.

“Rylee, just try it,” he urges. “Try it my way.”

“Oh save it, Colton!” I bite at him, throwing my hands up in the air. “I’m not one of your little floozies who’s going to do whatever you say just because you say to. I’m sure you have those lining up waiting to be your plaything. Catch one of them and toss her back when your tired of her. Not me, Ace. I don’t work that way.” My anger has resurfaced despite my exhaustion and aching heart.

Colton just stares at me. We stand within a foot of each other, eyes locked, and yet I feel so far away from him. It’s hard to believe it’s been less than an hour since we were ensconced within each other’s worlds.

“Rylee.” My name is a soft plea from his lips.

“What, Colton?” I snap at him, immediately wincing at my tone.

“That first night …” he begins softly and then stops turning from me and walking toward the kitchen.

“What about it, Colton?” I follow him partway, leaning against the back of his couch. “I should have seen it then. You sleeping with me and then humiliating me by jumping out of bed like I’d burned you.”

“You did, Rylee.”

“What? What in the hell are you talking about?”

“That first night,” he continues, ignoring my comment. “After the second time,” he says blowing out a loud breath. He continues to look at his bare feet, his hips resting against the counter, hands shoved in his pockets, and discomfort rolling off him in waves. “I kissed you and asked you if you were all right.” I nod my head acknowledging him. Remembering the raw honesty in that simple moment between us. “I swear to God, Rylee … I felt like you saw me. Really saw me.” He raises his eyes to meet mine and they’re swimming with emotion. “And you were sitting there, your dark hair falling all around you with that white sheet pooled around your waist …” he shakes his head before continuing, “your lips were swollen, your eyes were so wide and trusting … and I realized in that second that it meant more to me,” his voice is hoarse with emotion, “that you meant more to me, Rylee, than anything I can remember. Ever.”

I stare at him, so many things running through my head, but more than anything, his words resonate into every dark part of me that craves to be wanted, needed, and desired. At least I know why he reacted how he did. Why he showed up this morning. Hope starts to soar in me. Maybe I can do this. Maybe with time, I can prove to him that there can be more. I wring my hands to try and stifle my sudden enthusiasm.